“I will begin to speak when I am not going to say what were better left unsaid.” — Cato the Younger
The monster has just eaten most of the captain’s battalion.
He and some lucky men manage to escape narrowly. You’d think he’d be cautious until the coast is clear, but he has a bone to pick. Before they’re off the shore he hurls insults to the one-eyed creature.
In Homer’s Odyssey, the captain has just orchestrated a ruse that leaves the Cyclops Polyphemus blinded. Up to that time, Odysseus has been wise enough to conceal his identity, calling himself a ‘Nobody’. But with stupid pride burgeoning in his chest he nearly meets his fall.
The giant hears our hero’s voice, tears a loose rock and throws it at the escaping ship. The monstrous waves threaten to drive them back toward the dreadful land but the men get busy rowing forwards again. They manage to struggle out and beg Odysseus to stop provoking it. They tell him it’s no longer worth it- they’ve already lost too much men and time.
He ignores them.
He wants the creature to know who defeated him. So he etches his name, his father’s name and where he hails from in the blue sky.
Now he has just given his enemy a bazooka. The giant cries out to his father, Poseidon, telling him he wishes that Odysseus never gets home. And if that’s too much, that he returns late, alone and in misery. All because our hero couldn’t stand having his victory uncredited.
Poseidon answers his dear son’s prayer.
What Makes Talking Necessary
You’d be quick to judge Odysseus until you remember he’s also you.
It’s easy for a whiff of anger to animate words that break a relationship. You could be getting to a resolution of an argument but you just can’t stop pressing on the issue, being rude and condescending- now things are worse. Someone could be confiding something intimate and now you have an irresistible story to tell- you’ve missed the chance to be there for them. You tell a bad joke at someone’s expense and now you feel bad and are explaining yourself.
And looking back, intelligence is often useless when we use it justify impulsiveness.
This is why Epictetus in Enchiridion 33 advises us to discipline our speech. To speak only when necessary and with restraint. He cautions us against shallow chatter about worldly events, celebrity gossip, what the neighbors fought about last night, and more specifically how we talk to and of other people- praising, blaming and comparing them. He recommends redirecting our conversations to more worthwhile matters- those that inspire us forward and connect us with others.
This is why it’s necessary to ask yourself this question at any given moment- What is compelling me to speak?
Pride wants everyone to know you’re the shit. Anger insists kindness is weakness. Anxiety wants you to fill the silence with meaningless chatter. Boredom makes people’s private lives all the more entertaining.
This is where the Stoic practice of awareness and examining your impressions applies.
‘I need to talk,’ ‘I have an opinion about this,’ are impressions you must question. The purpose is to make you realize what your words or dialogue is trying to accomplish. It’s to make you question what you know or if you understand the situation, and more importantly, reflect on the obligation you have to the person listening- and the person you avidly want to discuss.
Because you don’t want talking to land you in some dumb troubles. You have better things to do instead of defending wrong opinions. More life to enjoy instead of putting out fires. Real fun to have instead of gratifying a temporary emotion.
How to Have Something to Say
Practice is the best way to change.
The key is to first be aware of your tendencies. You might find yourself always eager to give advise, interrupt, exaggerate, complain, disclose more than you intend or maybe you like to one-up people. Then you ask yourself what you obtain from those actions. Is it attention, relief, feeling intellectual? Or do you have an inferiority complex? This helps you get what you need in alternative easier and less costly ways and make lasting amends on your discipline of speech.
Then you go out in the real world and practice. You let the other person finish without interjecting. You say you don’t know when you don’t have enough information to form an opinion. You defer speaking when you’re angry. You listen to someone struggling, empathize with them and only give advice when they ask for it.
And through restraint you master the art of timing. You don’t want to give necessary warnings, disagree or apologize at the wrong time. It just makes things uncomfortable and neuters your influence.
This then makes the other pleasures of conversation much cooler and fun. You get to use humor, affection and stories for deeper bonding which then make living with people joyful. And that’s most of social success in itself.
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With love,
Antonius Veritas, M.D.