Welcome! Stoicism was never about becoming so tough that people treat you however they want while you allow this to happen just because you can take it. The key message is to govern yourself well enough to know what deserves patience, what needs rebellion against without losing your noble stature, and when endurance starts becoming cooperation with injustice. Share your thoughts in the comments- it helps us spread these ideas to people who need them.
How to Deal With Bullying
“You may fetter my leg, but my will not even Zeus himself can overpower.” - Epictetus, Discourses 1.1
I had started laughing at things that weren’t funny. A few months into surgical training will make a clown out of you like that. There’s this one consultant who’d turn your mistakes into entertainment at your expense. You’d miss something during an operation or struggle assisting after a hectic call night and he’d ridicule you instead of correcting you privately. He’d stretch out this embarrassing moment, ask questions he knew you wouldn’t answer, all while ensuring everyone watched and saw you squirming. It was all quite cheesy.
At first, I thought that it was a good idea to join in the laugh. That it was a playful experience for learning. After all, I was being political. Surgery is hierarchical and the training is difficult- you need thick skin. A patient’s life is on the table- which is worth more than your feelings at the moment. I told myself.
Soon it was my turn to get grilled. Too bad you can’t run away when scrubbed, gowned and standing across the table from someone humiliating you. I just wanted the moment to end. Having a reputation for composure, everyone was watching to see how I’d react. Anger would get me in trouble. Acting like a victim would make it worse. So I answered the questions to the best of my ability, laughed off where I got stuck and we moved on.
I didn’t see it as bullying then. That word belonged to schoolchildren. I was a surgeon for pit’s sake. But what I didn’t understand was that bullying persisted into adulthood- having a beard didn’t mitigate it.
Why We Explain Bullying Away
Someone might not steal your lunch at your big age. But bullying can take the form of a colleague gossiping about you. A friend who humiliates you before others and covers it up with the notion that you can’t take a joke. Or a partner who says something cruel and when you react, they accuse you of being dramatic. Sometimes it’s a relative who breaks promises or takes advantage of your politeness because they know you’ll forgive them anyway.
Life has taken you through so much that you can tolerate all of this. But that’s the problem. Just because you can take it. Just because you can run a company, operate on someone, negotiate delicate contracts, or lead an entire team through chaos, doesn’t mean you can’t become subject to helplessness and vulnerability around the hostility of one particular person.
Many times we rationalize the behavior because pointing it out makes it our responsibility to resolve. We’ll have to address it, create conflict, risk being perceived as sensitive- and this is usually uncomfortable.
On Snakes & Their Nature
Aesop tells us of a fable about a farmer who finds a stiff snake, frozen- almost to death. The reptile is helpless. So the kind farmer feels sorry for it. He picks it up and warms it against his body. Luckily, the snake begins to recover. But then something happens. The snake regains its full strength and bites the farmer. He’s appalled. But why? What did he expect? Sure, he had saved the snake’s life but his magnanimity never changed the snake’s nature.
We assume that because we’re kind and ashamed to exploit someone, their gratitude may inspire them toward beauty and restrain selfish behavior. We think they might be merciful to us and kind in turn at some point in the future.
That can happen. Or not happen. That’s why you can’t afford to project your character on other people. It’s naive to think the appearance of goodness obscures the shadow in human behavior. Even priests can be jealous, resentful, opportunistic, cruel. That’s the true nature of the human animal.
Believe People’s Behavior
We give so much grace to those closest to us- relatives, friends, partners, parents, colleagues, mentors. But these labels mean nothing if what we expect of them doesn’t align with their their actions. Someone can’t claim to love you and find myriad ways to make your life miserable. You can’t call someone your friend and they’re out here betraying you. Your family member can’t continue to do bullshit you’d call out from a stranger.
Let not love blind us.
Because in as much you’ll let some things go, when it becomes a pattern it teaches people how to treat you. And they keep taking and taking. Pushing your boundaries until they ruin your life. But who can blame them? You’ve taught them you can tolerate this behavior. And that’s how the relationship dynamic becomes this toxic hell hole.
Which brings us to a central question...
At What Point Does Patience Stop Being a Virtue?
Stoicism may seem like this indifferent philosophy where you put up with everything thrown at you. And to some extent that’s true- if what’s happening is out of your control and no matter what you do there’s no chance of success. Discipline means owning and governing your response, not assisting another person’s injustice through inaction. It’s Marcus Aurelius who said that you can commit an injustice by doing nothing.
In practice, this means allowing yourself to calm down before confronting someone. You forgive and love a person from a distance- with a mental note to never trust them again. You leave when a relationship is unsalvageable.
An intelligent approach to patience means that maybe someone made one mistake. Perhaps they’re ashamed and genuinely trying to change. Maybe the mistake doesn’t warrant the confrontation- it’s not worth your attention. Or you could be working toward a bigger goal and it’s prudent to chew glass at the moment.
This is better than allowing fear to infect your decisions- when you’re not choosing patience consciously.
Learn to Fight Back
Jane Eyre had a difficult childhood. The Reed family always reminded her that she was unloved and unwanted by them. But because she depended on them for food, shelter and security, she tolerates this cruelty.
One day her cousin, John Reed, throws a book at her and injures her. She fights back. But instead of this being a concern for the adults, she’s viewed as the problem. She’s caught, condemned for her behavior and locked away in isolation. Now she has to deal with this ostracization. It even gets to a point where she concludes that maybe she deserves this. But her spirit becomes restless and she gets angry at the realization that the people around her are unjust even if they’re older, more powerful and richer than she is.
Jane is soon sent to Lowood School and there she meets Helen Burns. Helen believes that resentment only serves to damage the person carrying it- hence why she strives to endure unjust punishment without rebellion. Jane sees her virtue and admires her for it- but she knows she can never be like her. She believes that in as much as bitterness can poison your mind, endless submission can deform you invariably. It mutilates your spirit and is a dishonor to yourself.
You could be prone to the same confusion as Jane. But I urge you to fight back. A child has little options, but now in adulthood- you’d be remiss to let the bullshit continue.
The Powers of Adulthood
A more mature approach to bullying involves analyzing what has happened, if it has happened before, what happens if you rebel, if an apology is accompanied by change in behavior and if you’d recommend it for someone you love to tolerate the cruelty.
Then respond proportionately.
You tell someone not to speak to you in a particular manner- even if you’re in the wrong. Perhaps you document what has transpired. You involve someone with more power. Or maybe you reduce contact, leave without explanation.
Things may get worse before they become better.
Some people may become angry at you. You could be accused of being selfish, they may say you’ve changed or guilt trip you by reminding you of everything they’ve done for you. Others may even test you again to see if you were serious. But you must take this practice to the end- it’s good you persevere past the discomfort of enforcing your boundaries.
The only way to guarantee peace is to make the prospect of war seem hopeless.
What I want you to take from this is that there are more options than you imagine. You don’t have to humiliate a person back, explode in rage or keep laughing to be in good social graces. It’s Marcus Aurelius who thought that the best revenge is not to be like the one who did the assault. Don’t become cruel just because someone is, unless in a case immune to diplomacy. And don’t give in to fear and start cooperating with bad actors.
Develop an eye to recognize what’s happening, without becoming suspicious of people, then make the right choice.
Private Stoic Community Update
Reading Stoicism is easy. Living by it when life turns against you is the harder part.
That’s why I’m building a private community for serious readers who want to practice and integrate Stoicism as a way of life through weekly challenges, exercises, real-life dilemmas, accountability and rich philosophical discourse.
We launch in about 16 days. If you want first access and a special launch discount you can lock in, reply to this e-mail with STOIC and I’ll add you to the waitlist. Lifetime Access members get in for free.
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With Love,
Antonius Veritas, MD.
Previously,
Bullying becomes especially damaging when someone else’s behaviour starts changing the way you see yourself. You may not control what they say or do, but you can protect your judgement from becoming their evidence.
Sounds just like 3/4 of medical school and 4/4 of internship and residency. At least what I can remember of it, much is blocked off.