Why Comparison Makes You Lose Faster
Keep this thought at the ready at daybreak.
“Keep this thought at the ready at daybreak, and through the day and night—there is only one path to happiness, and that is in giving up all outside of your sphere of choice, regarding nothing else as your possession, surrendering all else to God and Fortune.”- Epictetus
One of my goals this year is to lift and run more, so I joined a running club.
Today, I just did a short run after a four-month hiatus. It was cold. Yes, it was painful. My lungs burned, and the thought of slowing down to a walk seduced me with every step. But I just couldn’t get myself to compromise. I was reminded of Miyamoto Musashi’s observation- “it may seem difficult at first, but all things are difficult at first.” I carried on.
As I struggled to catch my breath on the steep laps, I found myself reflecting on consistency and the nature of doing hard things. As Wallace Stegner wrote, largeness is a lifelong matter. You grow because you are not content not to. “You are like a beaver that chews constantly because if it doesn’t, its teeth grow long and lock. You grow because you are a grower; you’re large because you can’t stand to be small.”
My legs may have felt like they were dipped in acid, but I felt proud. It was a stress test for my philosophy. I find it good to live what you write- or rather, to write what you live. It feels good when it finally clicks that if you keep digging for strength inside yourself, you’ll find it. It’s the bliss Camus found when he wrote,
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invisible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger - something better, pushing right back.”
There were moments on that track where I struggled too much and envied the people faster and ahead of me. I felt a spike of frustration. But I had to calm my ego down. If I tried to compete with them, I’d grind myself to a halt, perhaps blow a hamstring and DNF. There was no way I could sustain their pace.
So, I decided to just focus on the distance directly in front of me, working within the scope of my limitations. I’ve often noticed that when I focus only on the quality of my own actions- rather than where other people are- I sometimes end up winning. And even if I don’t ‘win’ in the traditional sense, by tuning out the distractions I get to enjoy the feeling of flow.
Poetically, when I got to the finish line, a friend casually mentioned the concept of feeling behind in life. It struck a chord; I realized it’s a recurring theme I’ve seen shared by my mutuals all week. So, I decided to explore it.
We live in an era of hyper-comparison. I’ve seen this feeling curdle into deep despondency, leading some to tragic ends, some to numbing themselves with addictions, while others consume themselves with hatred for those doing ‘better.’ We’re told we need to own a car by this age, have millions by that age, or have a successful practice by a specific deadline.
This mixture of envy and unhealthy yearning is caustic to the human soul because it makes the present- the only place you actually exist- unbearable. You want to be anywhere but here. You want to be anybody else but you. You miss out on your blessings because you’re staring at someone else’s curated life.
The problem isn’t that you have goals and a dream lifestyle. Of course, you want a quality living experience, to have fun and to take care of your people.
The problem is a misunderstanding of the game itself.
We treat life like a linear track- a single race where everyone starts at zero and sprints toward 100. If someone is ahead, you’re behind. But life is not a track; it’s a complex and vast terrain. One person is climbing a mountain, another is swimming a channel, and another is building a cabin in the woods. You cannot be behind someone who is going in a different direction.
When you obsess over what the Stoics call preferred indifferents- status, wealth, external timelines- you hand over the keys to your happiness. The Stoics would urge you to turn your attention back to the only thing you control- the quality of your character and actions.
-Are you disciplined here and now?
-Are you being courageous here and now?
-Are you kind and living for others here and now?
-Are you honoring your purpose right now?
As the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote to himself- “I do what is mine to do; the rest does not disturb me.”
If you’re doing what is yours to do, then be proud of yourself and consider that enough.
Yes, you may be born poor- but are you learning skills that can be useful to others?
Yes, you may not be vacationing in the South of France, sipping coffee in St. Tropez- but are you mastering the art of finding beauty where you stand? Many in St. Tropez are miserable, wishing they had the peace and simplicity you have access to right now.
We often look at the successful and feel a pang of jealousy, but we rarely see the shadow of their success. You may not be willing to pay the price they paid- perhaps they sold their soul, betrayed others, or worked themselves into burnout and divorce. Maybe their personality is suited for that path, and you would be miserable in their shoes.
Schools ingrained this notion of lagging behind through grades and standardized tests. But in the real world, the people you think you’re competing with rarely view you as competition at all. They are running their own race, fighting their own demons.
Isn’t the most fulfilling thing, then, to find what you like- a path whose hell you’re willing to endure? To find work where, even if the money is slow to arrive, you still enjoy the grind? And even if you get what you want, you still want to continue doing the work- growing.
When you stop keeping up with the Joneses and start trying to go deep in what’s in front of you, something divine happens. As Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe said-
“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would have never otherwise have occurred... raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings, and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.”
Ultimately, you may realize that money and status only matter to a certain extent. The most important thing is to stay true to who you are. To love your work or if love is too much to ask- find work that’s meaningful to you however much it demands from you.
If people around you pressure you, subtly signaling that you’re not doing well enough because you don’t have the car or the title, remember- that’s just noise. They can leave if they want. It’s your life. Don’t let anyone take your light, your happiness, your flow.
Just like my run today, if you focus on the person ahead of you, you’ll burn out or give up. But if you focus on your breath, your stride, and the path beneath your feet, you’ll find that you have enough air to keep going. You’ll be able to focus enough and find the endurance to keep going.
Lastly, because it’s inevitable that this thought of feeling behind will arise again, I want you to remember this, as Eugen Herrigel wrote in Zen and the Art of Archery,
“As though sprung from nowhere, moods, feelings, desires, worries and even thoughts incontinently rise up, in a meaningless jumble.... The only successful way of rendering this disturbance inoperative is to keep on breathing quietly and unconcernedly, to enter into friendly relations with whatever appears on the scene, to accustom oneself to it, to look at it equably and at last grow weary of looking.”
Keep breathing quietly and unconcernedly. Do what you’re supposed to do. Take it as far as you can. Perform as best as you can. Of course learn from those you compare yourself with.
The rest doesn’t matter.
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"How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does." — Marcus Aurelius.
Your edge decays the moment you seek external validation.
The market rewards independent verification; it punishes the crowd.
Your essay is great and so important. Comparison can be a motivator, but only that, it should not be used to deflate ourselves. I run a 5K once a year, I am 69, I don't run to win compared to others, I run to win for me, and that is just to finish and get my participation medal. As I get older and less older people run I think I may place and get a ribbon for 3rd place! Those are the goals I like, good enough, flexible, and living life with zest and participating in life with no real goal in mind!! Just fun!