Never Say Never

It’s only after we’ve lost our illusions that we’re free to be happy- free to tap into our power.

Trust Issues by Bruno Cæsar

Nobody thought my sister would get cancer. Or even ever get sick. She was on a good diet, made sure to exercise often and handled her daily stresses pretty well. Even when we investigated the source of her disease, it revealed that there was no genetic origin. Yet, did such a sweet soul deserve to suffer like that?

See, it’s not easy to admit that bad things can happen to you. Most of us like to believe that accidents, betrayal, or loss only happen to other people. It feels safer to think we’re protected by our plans, our grandmother’s prayers, our hard work, our zodiac sign, or our good character. But the truth is, no one is immune. If you believe you’re untouchable, life will eventually prove you wrong, and it won’t be gentle about it.

Saying “never” only sets you up for disappointment. When the job ends- rejection persists, when the relationship turns sour, when illness comes, the shock feels worse if you thought it couldn’t happen to you. That’s why it’s better to face reality. You’re not above misfortune. At some point, you will be tested.

Still, knowing this doesn’t have to make you apprehensive. Thinking about trouble won’t invite it. In fact, you’ll be stronger and happier because of it. For it’s only after we’ve lost our illusions that we’re free to be happy- free to tap into our power. As the character Tyler Durden in Fight Club says,

Once you realize nothing is guaranteed, you stop feeling entitled to what you have. You start to see your health, your work, and your relationships as temporary gifts. Temporary and so must be enjoyed greedily. Gratitude grows deeper because you know how fragile life really is. It’s as Marcus Aurelius told himself,

“Treat what you don’t have as nonexistent. Look at what you have, the things you value most, and think of how much you’d crave them if you didn’t have them. But be careful. Don’t feel such satisfaction that you start to overvalue them- that it would upset you to lose them.”

And when hardship shows up, you won’t be destroyed by it. It’ll still hurt for sure- you’ll grieve, you’ll doubt the existence of providence, you’ll ask why. But another part of you will remind yourself of a felt truth. I knew this could happen- it’s nothing new, and I prepared myself, I enjoyed myself. Having a little money saved and invested, building core life skills, and learning to be okay with solitude- these are your survival tools.

So don’t say “never.” Say this instead. I know struggles will come, but I’ll face them with my head high. I will lose things, but I’ll also rebuild. I will stumble, but I’ll not give up. Just like Thomas Shelby of Peaky Blinders once said in anticipation of his enemies,

And because you know this, you can fully appreciate the peace and joy that are yours right now. Tom Wolfe’s character, Conrad, in ‘A Man in Full,’ expresses this attitude best,

“Only Epictetus began with the assumption that life is hard, brutal, punishing, narrow, and confining, a deadly business, and that fairness and unfairness are beside the point.

Only Epictetus, so far as Conrad knew, was a philosopher who had been stripped of everything, imprisoned, tortured, enslaved, threatened with death. And only Epictetus had looked his tormenters in the eye and said, ‘You do what you have to do, and I will do what I have to do, which is live and die like a man.”

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P.P.S: Most people loved the series on How to Deepen Your Friendships, Part I, Part II & Part III. Also check out the practical entries on How To Deal With Toxic People, How to Process & Overcome Grief & How to Prevent and Overcome Burnout. Happy reading!

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