LXIX. Lord Chesterfield & Marcus Aurelius on How to Be a Distinguished Man
In today’s essay, we delve into the foundational principles of How to Be a Distinguished Man, straight from the British aristocrat himself—Lord Chesterfield & the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius.
Welcome! Note that the ‘Neuroscience-based Tools’, ‘Lead to Win’ & the Le Monde Élégant social skills sections are companions for The Stoic Manual to enhance your physical and psychological health, vitality, stress resilience, discipline, focus, motivation, and refine your people skills, relationships & leadership skills for a distinguished life—by Dr. Antonius Veritas
“Since every man dies, it is better to die with distinction than to live long.”
― Musonius Rufus
Last time, we explored how the shrewd Florentine statesman, Niccolò Machiavelli, praised Marcus Aurelius as one of the five good emperors. A key influence on Marcus’s prosperous rule was his adopted father, Emperor Antoninus Pius. In Meditations, Aurelius reflects on the manly virtues he learned from him. Here are some of the most notable ones.
“Compassion. Unwavering adherence to decisions, once he’d reached them. Indifference to the empty glory of so-called honors.”
“He never exhibited rudeness, lost control of himself, or turned violent. No one ever saw him sweat. Everything was to be approached logically and with due consideration, in a calm and orderly fashion but decisively, and with no loose ends.”
“The tale told about Socrates might be applied to him—that he had the ability both to refrain from and to enjoy the things that most people are too weak to refrain from and too inclined to enjoy. Strength of will—the ability to persevere in the one situation and remain sober in the other, indomitable.”
“The ability to retain friends, and never being fickle or playing favorites. Self-sufficiency in all situations, and joyfulness.”
“The ability to prepare for events well in advance and to arrange everything in advance, down to the smallest details, without making a big production out of it.”
“The way he could have one of his migraines and then go right back to what he was doing—fresh and at the top of his game.”
“The fact that he was good and witty company, without taking it too far; the moderate degree of attention he paid to his bodily needs, stemming not from a strong attachment to life or from vanity, but from a true estimation of their importance.”
“The way he deferred without a trace of resentment to those with some special ability, such as eloquence, or expertise gained from the study of law, human behavior or some other subject, and being supportive of their pursuits, so that each of them could achieve distinction for his accomplishments in his field.”
“No one ever called him glib, or shameless, or pedantic. They saw him for what he was: a man tested by life, accomplished, unswayed by flattery, qualified to govern both himself and them.”
“All his tasks were divided up and carefully thought through, as though he had all the time in the world, and carried out in an unperturbed, orderly, and resolute manner, in ways that suited whatever needed doing.”
“His sober reliability in all things, lack of vulgarity, and ability to resist new fads; his ability to enjoy the material comforts of life, which fortune gave him in abundance, in an unpretentious way, but also without apology, so that he simply accepted them as matters of fact when he had them and felt no lack when they were gone.”
“Industriousness and perseverance; a willingness to listen to any proposal that is in the interest of the state.”
“A sense of when to push and when to back off.”
Centuries later, another British nobleman and diplomat would reflect on what it means to be a distinguished man.
Becoming a true man of the world and a gentleman is an art — one that the 18th-century statesman Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield devoted countless letters to teaching his son. In the famous letters, compiled as Letters to His Son on the Art of Becoming a Man of the World and a Gentleman, Lord Chesterfield lays out this detailed practical advice on character, conduct and excellence that remains remarkably relevant today where masculinity faces a crisis, sons feel lost and men are depressed. His tone is refined and aristocratic yet candid and fatherly, focusing not on abstract ideals but on everyday behaviors that earn respect.
To follow Chesterfield's counsel is to cultivate a blend of poise, virtue, and savvy. He believed a gentleman should excel in manners and morals, moving through the world with tact and honor. The guidance that follows distills Chesterfield's wisdom — supported by his own words — on key aspects of manhood. Embrace these principles in your life, and you will not only appear a gentleman but, with time, care and practice, become one in character.
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I. Politeness & Good Breeding
Chesterfield begins with the bedrock of gentlemanly character: politeness. According to him, good manners and "good-breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any, or all other good qualities or talents." You might be intelligent, brave, or skilled, but if you are rude or uncouth, "no knowledge, no perfection whatever, is seen in its best light." Politeness is what lets your other virtues shine. Chesterfield drives the point home with vivid examples: "The scholar, without good-breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute." In other words, no matter how great your natural gifts, lacking courtesy will make you disagreeable and hold you back.
So, start by cultivating courtesy in every interaction. Being polite isn't about stiff formality or fake flattery — it's about showing consistent respect and kindness to others. Little things count: saying "please" and "thank you," listening without interrupting, and treating everyone from waiters to CEOs with equal consideration. Chesterfield calls this "the politeness of the heart," a genuine concern for others as the guiding principle of conduct. We all know how it feels to be around someone who makes us feel heard and valued. Be that person for others. As you practice everyday good-breeding — holding doors, greeting people warmly, avoiding crude language — you'll notice it "make[s] [its] way everywhere." Doors open when you are well-mannered. People welcome you, remember you fondly, and want to help you. This courteous ease is the fertile soil in which all your other qualities will grow.
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II. Learning to Please & Engage
Politeness in attitude must extend into polished conversation. Chesterfield was adamant that a gentleman learn "the art of pleasing" in company. What does that mean in practice? First, it means adopting a version of the Golden Rule in dialogue. Chesterfield advises, "Do as you would be done by, [it] is the surest method… of pleasing. Observe carefully what pleases you in others, and probably the same thing in you will please others." In other words, think about the conversationalists you enjoy most — perhaps those who listen attentively, who speak with wit but without domineering the talk — and strive to emulate those habits. If certain behaviors or tones would annoy or bore you, assume they will have the same effect on others.
Being engaging also means being attentive to others' interests and moods. Chesterfield suggests you "take the tone of the company that you are in, and do not pretend to give it.” If the group is serious, don't force jokes; if they are lighthearted, don't lecture. Blend in gracefully. A key part of this skill is listening more than talking. Show curiosity about others — ask them questions about themselves, and genuinely pay attention to their answers. Everyone appreciates a good listener. And when you do speak, avoid turning the spotlight entirely on yourself. Chesterfield puts it bluntly: "Of all things, banish the egotism out of your conversation, and never think of entertaining people with your own personal concerns or private affairs; though they are interesting to you, they are tedious and impertinent to everybody else." No one wants to hear you brag or drone on about your personal drama. A gentleman knows to spare others his "tedious" particulars.
“In company take care not to speak much and excessively about your own acts or dangers; for as it is pleasant to you to make mention of your own dangers, it is not so pleasant to others to hear what has happened to you.” — Epictetus
What should you talk about, then? Aim to both inform and delight. Chesterfield's letters suggest that a man of the world can converse on everything from current events to art, from witty anecdotes to thoughtful insights — but always with tact. Keep your stories short and your points modest.
A true gentleman leaves others feeling better about themselves — not about how great he is. As Chesterfield wisely observes, "Those whom you can make like themselves better, will, I promise you, like you very well." In mastering the art of conversation, you'll find that social gatherings become not a source of anxiety, but your proving ground to shine as a charming, articulate man who can talk to anyone, anywhere.
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III. Navigate Conflicts & Disagreements Diplomatically
Even the most courteous gentleman will inevitably face conflicts or disagreements. What sets a man of the world apart is how he handles them. Chesterfield was a seasoned diplomat and understood that most conflicts can be disarmed with tact, composure, and a bit of humility. His first rule of disagreements is to keep your temper and ego in check. "Never to show the least symptom of resentment, which you cannot, to a certain degree, gratify; but always to smile, where you cannot strike," he instructs . This counsel might sound cunning, but it's deeply practical: if an argument or offense arises and you lack the power to resolve it to your satisfaction, do not lose your cool or retaliate in vain. Instead, maintain a calm and even friendly exterior ("smile"). By showing no rash anger, you rob your opponent of the satisfaction of seeing you agitated — and you preserve your own dignity. Often, this poised response will defuse the tension, or at least prevent it from getting worse.
Chesterfield also advises choosing your battles wisely. Not every minor provocation or difference of opinion must be argued to the death. In fact, he believed a gentleman should avoid noisy, stubborn disputes altogether. "Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust," he observes, condemning both excessive yes-men and constant arguers . The key is a balance: "a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity." This means state your viewpoint calmly and confidently, but don't feel the need to win every point — sometimes it's more dignified to yield gracefully or change the subject than to quarrel endlessly. If you correct someone, do it gently and with respect; if someone corrects you, accept it without defensiveness. By avoiding heated, ego-driven confrontations, you actually strengthen your reputation. People will note that you are reasonable, open-minded, and hard to provoke — all signs of a refined character. "Never maintain an argument with heat and clamor," he wrote.
When true conflicts do arise (and they will, in business or personal matters), approach them as problems to be solved, not contests to be won. Listen to the other side's grievances and acknowledge any fair points they have. Chesterfield was a master of diplomatic language — he could disagree without being disagreeable. For instance, if he had to refuse a request or say "no" to someone, he would "refuse a favor gracefully" rather than do the wrong thing clumsily out of obligation . You can emulate this by staying polite and constructive even in disagreement. Use phrases that seek common ground (such as "I see what you mean; perhaps we can consider…") rather than absolute negations. Often a conflict can be steered toward a compromise simply by the tone you set. And importantly, know when to walk away amicably. Not every argument will end with both parties in full agreement, but if you handle it diplomatically, it can end with mutual respect intact. The goal is to resolve issues "without being marked out" as an enemy personally. In short, disagree without being disagreeable. Chesterfield assures that a gentleman who can manage that will find even his adversaries compelled to admire him.
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IV. Dress & Deportment
Being a well-spoken gentleman is crucial, but so is looking and carrying yourself the part. Chesterfield understood the power of first impressions. He encourages his son (and us) to attend to attire and body language, albeit in moderation. The ideal is to be "neither negligent nor stiff," as he puts it . This means dressing smartly — with cleanliness and good taste — but not overloading with finery or flashy extravagance. "Do you dress well, and not too well?" he pointedly asks, warning against both sloppiness and dandyish excess. Appearances should complement your merit, not overwhelm it. Little details, from neatly brushed shoes to well-groomed hair, subtly signal your self-respect. Taken together, "all these things deserve a degree of care" because "they give an additional lustre to real merit." In short, tending to your appearance enhances the virtues and talents you possess, letting others notice your qualities more readily.
Importantly, Chesterfield emphasizes hygiene and grace as part of one's deportment. He even advises his son to keep his teeth clean and fresh daily — practical counsel that might make us smile, but it underlines a timeless point: no detail of grooming is too small, because a single off-putting habit (like bad breath or dirty nails) can sour someone's overall impression of you. Beyond cleanliness, cultivate a genteel carriage: stand up straight, walk with confidence, and use gestures that are natural and not jerky or exaggerated. Your bearing should be easy and dignified. Chesterfield believed in the value of "a pleasing figure" and cites Francis Bacon's observation that it "is a perpetual letter of recommendation", an ever-present advocate on your behalf. Indeed, how you present yourself physically often speaks for you before you utter a word. If you appear well-put-together, people are inclined from the first moment to think well of you — or at least to give you a chance. A polished appearance "smoothes the way" for your other qualities to be acknowledged.
None of this means you must be conventionally handsome or dressed in expensive outfits. It means making the most of what you have. Be always extremely clean and appropriately dressed for the occasion. Wear decent, well-fitted clothes that suit your age and environment. Chesterfield advised dressing "like the reasonable people of your own age" — in other words, elegantly but in tune with current norms, not wearing outdated or garish attire that draws ridicule. The true gentleman is noticed for being effortlessly well-dressed, never for wild fashion statements. Next to clothes being fine, Chesterfield says, the key is that "they should be well made, and worn easily" —as if you are so comfortable in them that you forget what you're wearing. Carry yourself with that ease. When you enter a room, do so with calm self-assurance. Make eye contact, give a friendly nod or greeting, and don't fidget. Such small gestures complete the portrait of a man who respects himself and others. Your outward refinement, from your suit to your smile, becomes a silent introduction — one that, as Chesterfield knew, can open doors and hearts before you even speak.
V. Quality Education & Knowledge
Being a gentleman isn't only about polish on the outside — it requires substance on the inside. Chesterfield was a great believer in education and lifelong learning as the making of a truly excellent man. He insisted that his son devote himself to broad study: "The reading, writing, and speaking [of] the modern languages correctly; the knowledge of the laws of nations, and the particular constitution of the empire; of history, geography, and chronology, are absolutely necessary." While the specifics reflect his era (Chesterfield groomed his son for diplomacy and court life), the principle holds for us today: equip yourself with knowledge in a wide array of fields. Learn languages to connect with other cultures; study history and politics to understand how the world runs; read literature and philosophy to enrich your mind and conversation. A man aiming for personal excellence seeks to be well-rounded and informed. This isn't about showing off erudition for its own sake, but about becoming capable and interesting. The more you know, the more confidently and fluently you can engage with all sorts of people and situations — from discussing current events at a business dinner to appreciating art or science in your own life. Further, the easier it becomes to navigate the world and create wealth for yourself.
Just as important as what you learn is how you approach learning. Chesterfield urges diligence and depth. Famously, he tells his son, "Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well; and nothing can be well done without attention." Instead of half-heartedly skimming through your studies or picking up a smattering of miscellaneous facts, focus and excel in each endeavor. If you are studying French, truly master it — don't be content with a few phrases. If you take up an instrument or a sport, practice it with discipline and aim for proficiency. This habit of thoroughness trains your mind and sets you apart. As Chesterfield notes, many people fritter away time and end up with only shallow knowledge; but those who apply consistent attention will shine. Make learning a daily practice — not only in school or university, but throughout life. Read a little every day, listen to experts, travel if you can1. Over time, you'll accumulate a wealth of insights and skills.
"There is time enough for everything, in the course of the day, if you do but one thing at once; but there is not time enough in the year, if you will do two things at a time." —Lord Chesterfield
Chesterfield himself was multilingual and conversant in everything from classical poetry to contemporary politics, and he wanted the same for his son. He knew that knowledge confers confidence. Indeed, "Knowledge will introduce [a man], and good-breeding will endear him to the best companies." When you know your stuff, you can enter educated circles without feeling inferior, and contribute meaningfully to conversations. You become someone others respect not just for your polite manners, but for your informed mind — a man who can quote an apt line, tell a historical anecdote, or offer a reasoned opinion. Cultivate that inner richness. It will give you a quiet authority and self-assurance that no superficial swagger can match. In short, strive to be both well-bred and well-read. This combination, Chesterfield assures, is nearly unbeatable in the pursuit of distinction.
VI. Time Management & Diligence
One practical aspect of personal excellence that Chesterfield emphasizes again and again is time management. Youthful energy, he knew, counts for little if it's wasted in idleness or frivolity. In his letters, he sounds almost like a modern productivity coach, imploring his son to use each day wisely. "I hope you employ your whole time, which few people do," he writes, "and that you put every moment to profit of some kind or other." This doesn't mean you must work or study every second — Chesterfield appreciated leisure in its place — but it does mean avoiding that dreaded state of "sauntering, and doing nothing at all, with a thing so precious as time, and so irrecoverable when lost." In plainer terms: don't lounge your life away! Every minute that ticks by is one you can never get back, so develop a habit of purposefulness. Even your relaxations can be purposeful — he considered socializing, exercise, or a pleasant walk as valid ways to spend time, provided they refresh or educate you in some way. What he couldn't forgive was sheer laziness and habitual procrastination.
To be a distinguished man, start training yourself to value time as gold. This might involve setting a daily routine or goals: allocating hours for work, study, exercise, and social activities, and sticking to it. Chesterfield's advice is to "never think any portion of time whatsoever too short to be employed; something or other may always be done in it." Waiting 10 minutes for a train? You could review a few flashcards of vocabulary. An unexpected free afternoon? Rather than mindlessly scrolling on your phone, tackle a chapter of that book you've meant to read or write a thoughtful letter/email to a friend. This mindset doesn't make you a dull grind — it makes you proactive. You begin to see every small window of time as an opportunity to improve yourself or enjoy something meaningful.
Of course, balance is key. Chesterfield was not against pleasures; in fact, he wanted his son to have them — but to choose worthwhile pleasures and pursue them in moderation. Part of managing time is allocating it to different facets of life in a balanced way: work and play, public duties and private development. The common thread is not to let time slip by unintended. By cultivating diligence, you'll find you accomplish more than your peers and with less stress.
VII. Embody Professionalism & a Strong Work Ethic
Chesterfield's letters make it clear that being a true man of the world isn't only about social graces — it also requires diligence and competence in one's work. He believed in working hard and working well, no matter how big or small the task. A gentleman takes pride in thoroughness. If you undertake something — be it a professional project, a household chore, or even a game — give it your best effort or do not do it at all. Sloppiness, in Chesterfield's eyes, were marks of a weak character. He scolds those who do things by halves, equating lack of attention to folly. This means focus your mind on the task at hand; don't allow distractions or laziness to creep in. By committing to excellence in every endeavor, you train yourself in the habit of high standards — and people will come to trust in the quality of anything you touch.
"Idleness is only the refuge of weak minds."
Professionalism also entails excellent time management and industriousness. Chesterfield was almost obsessive about not wasting time. He reminds his son to "know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination: never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day." This urgent advice might sound intense, but it underscores a critical point: time is a gentleman's most valuable resource. Using your time well — being punctual, meeting deadlines, staying organized — reflects both respect for others and self-respect. If you show up late or deliver work past due, you implicitly signal that you don't value other people's time or your own word. On the contrary, being punctual and reliable in your work shows professionalism. Chesterfield noted that "dispatch is the soul of business" — handling your affairs promptly and efficiently is often what separates those who rise in their careers from those who languish. Cultivate habits that make you productive: plan your day, avoid frivolous interruptions when there is work to be done, and finish what you start. As he famously quipped, "Take care of the minutes; for the hours will take care of themselves." Consistent small efforts, day by day, compound into great achievements and strong character.
Adopting a strong work ethic doesn't mean you must be a grim workaholic with no leisure. Chesterfield himself enjoyed society and pleasure. The key is balance and dedication — "Business by no means forbids pleasures," he wrote, but one must take care of business first. When working, work properly; when relaxing, relax without guilt because you've earned it by being responsible. By holding yourself to high standards of professionalism — being attentive, timely, and committed to quality — you establish yourself as a man who can be counted on to do things right. This reputation is invaluable; it will open doors in your career and elicit respect from colleagues and superiors alike.
VIII. Be Reliable & Responsible
Reliability is the bedrock of both professional success and personal reputation. To be seen as a man of honor, your word must mean something. If you make a promise or accept a responsibility, fulfill it. Chesterfield praises those who under-promise and over-deliver, noting admiringly of one acquaintance that he "always does more than he says." Make that your own standard. Rather than boasting about what you will do, quietly do it, then a little extra. People will soon realize that you can be trusted to come through. Conversely, nothing will sink your standing faster than unreliability — repeatedly failing to do what you said you would. Chesterfield certainly had little patience for men who were all talk and no action. To avoid this, be organized about your commitments: keep a calendar or list if needed, and practice saying "no" gracefully to obligations you know you cannot meet. It's far better to refuse upfront than to let others down later.
Being responsible also means owning your mistakes. No one is perfect; you may miss a deadline or err in judgment at some point. When that happens, take accountability immediately — apologize without excuses and do whatever is needed to set things right. Chesterfield would call this acting with honor. Blaming others or denying obvious mistakes would, in his view, be dishonorable and cowardly. He writes that one should "never to show the least symptom of resentment" at deserved criticism — instead, learn from it. By confronting your shortcomings honestly, you show maturity and integrity. People are remarkably forgiving when they see genuine accountability and effort to improve. In contrast, evading responsibility or breaking trust scars your reputation, sometimes permanently. Chesterfield observed that trust, once broken, is hard to rebuild, so he cautioned his son to be very careful in giving others cause to doubt him.
In practical terms, reliability and responsibility manifest in habits like being punctual, meeting deadlines, keeping confidences, and carrying your weight in any team or group. If you say you'll be somewhere at 7:00, be there at 7:00 (or a bit earlier). If you volunteer for a task, complete it to the best of your ability. If someone entrusts you with sensitive information, guard it. Chesterfield uses a vivid comparison: "People will no more advance their civility to a bear, than their money to a bankrupt." In essence, others won't invest trust or kindness in you if you prove bankrupt in character or behave rudely. By being consistently responsible, you assure people that investing trust in you is safe and worthwhile. Over time, you'll become known as the dependable one, a person whose handshake is as good as a contract. That reputation is pure gold — it earns you both professional opportunities and deep personal respect.
IX. Company & Reputation
No man becomes distinguished in a vacuum; the company you keep will greatly influence your path. Chesterfield was acutely aware of the impact of friends and associates on a young man's character and reputation. His advice? Choose your companions wisely. "Choose the company of your superiors whenever you can have it; that is the right and true pride," he counsels. If you surround yourself with people who are intelligent, virtuous, and accomplished, they will pull you upward. On the other hand, constantly being the best man in a bad crowd breeds arrogance and stagnation. "The pride of being the first of the company is…very silly, and very prejudicial," Chesterfield warns, adding that "nothing in the world lets down a character quicker" than that sort of ego-driven choice . In simpler terms: if you're always top of the heap, you're probably in the wrong heap. Far better to be the junior member of an excellent group, where you have room to learn and improve, than the king of mediocrities. So seek out people who are better than you in some way — wiser mentors, more cultured peers, those who challenge you to grow.
Beyond personal growth, your choice of company directly shapes how others judge you. Human beings make assumptions, rightly or wrongly, based on association. Chesterfield cites an old Spanish proverb: "Tell me who you live with and I will tell you who you are." If your close friends are troublemakers or fools, it won't be long before you're labeled the same. If they are honorable and polished, their lustre reflects on you. As a young man eager to build a good name, be mindful of your social circle. This doesn't mean you should snub everyone except nobles and geniuses — Chesterfield himself advocated treating all people with civility and kindness. It does mean recognizing that friends influence each other, and over time you will tend to emulate the attitudes and behaviors of those around you. Choose friends who embody the gentlemanly qualities you aspire to: those who value integrity, courtesy, and improvement. In their midst, your own virtues will deepen, and any vices will be checked.
At the same time, a gentleman must navigate society with a certain prudence. Not everyone will be genuine or have your best interests at heart. Chesterfield, ever the realist, cautioned his son to be cordial to all but intimate with few.
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