Catch the Need to Impress
Or fixate on that and your whole life becomes a mess.
“If you should ever turn your will to things outside your control in order to impress someone, be sure that you have wrecked your whole purpose in life. Be content, then, to be a philosopher in all that you do, and if you wish also to be seen as one, show yourself first that you are and you will succeed.”- Epictetus
You want to be impressive. You want to walk into a room and have something about you command attention. Aura. You want the work to speak, sure, but you also want people to hear it and then hear them tell other people. To remember your name when you leave.
That hunger is nothing new. The Greeks called it ‘thumos’- the spirited part of the soul that craves recognition, that would rather die remembered than live invisible. It drove Achilles to Troy. But if you recall, it did not end well for him. You think you’re chasing glory when really you’re handing your self-worth to whoever happens to be watching.
And here’s what nobody tells you- they’re barely watching. They haven’t even looked up from their phones. The people you’re performing for are too busy curating their own mythology, starving for the same applause. Some of them- the ones on pedestals- are no less frightened, no less flawed. I want you to see them clearly. Stop worshipping them and start learning about what makes them great.
Seneca saw this two thousand years ago- we suffer more in imagination than in reality. The judgment you’re bracing for- the dismissal, the indifference of someone whose respect you’ve inflated into divinity- is largely a ghost story you tell yourself at three in the morning. Epictetus went further- other people’s opinions aren’t up to you. Building your identity on them is like building a house on someone else’s land. You’ll soon be evicted. And left devastated.
So where does the hunger to impress really come from? Insecurity. A suspicion that if you just showed up as you are- at the meeting, at dinner, at the party- people will see someone ordinary and look away. You idealize others because it’s easier than the brutal work of building yourself into someone you actually revere. Easier to admire the mountain than climb it.
I want you to try something different. You ask questions now instead of nodding like you understand. You learn voraciously. You hold your ground in conversations that used to make you feel small. You fail- and you stop treating every mistake like a criminal conviction. Grace, not a free pass. Canyon between the two.
Then there’s the more insidious trap of believing that being impressive is the price of admission to love, to belonging, to mattering. Fixate on that and you become a transaction. People don’t stay because of your résumé. They stay for your presence, your character, your honesty, the weird and specific way you see the world. Rilke told a young poet to work in solitude, letting the work be enough- not because connection doesn’t matter, but because work done for its own sake is what makes you worth connecting with.
Be impressive for yourself, because mastery is its own pleasure, because operating at the full stretch of your ability is beautiful. Not because someone is keeping score. The money, the status, the social game- all tools. Strip them of their mythology and they lose the power to own you.
So catch the need to impress. Notice it, name it, set it down. Do the work. Love the people who show up for you. Let yourself be strange, flawed, delighted by small things. Celebrate being human- and embrace the walking itself, all unglamorous and uncertain; that’s the whole point of living.
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P.P.S: Most people loved the series on How to Deepen Your Friendships, Part I, Part II & Part III. Also check out the practical entries on How To Deal With Toxic People, How to Process & Overcome Grief & How to Prevent and Overcome Burnout. Happy reading!
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This piece is very relevant in our new age of instant recognition. It’s recommendation for a cure; old-fashioned confidence in yourself, in your self-image. Walk boldly through our modern-age electronic ratings world.
This piece is exquisite, beautifully articulated. (I know the source by Epictetus, this is better.)