I got the call for my mother at 3 am. She was in ICU, dying from stage 4 cancer and unfortunately (or who knows fortunately) accelerated by sodium given too quickly by the ICU staff about a week ago. Normally the visiting hours allowed only 15 mins but that previous evening the nurses said I could stay longer if I wanted. They were kind.
I remember watching as she struggled for those 10 mins and then I told my brother I am going to step out so she can go easily and she did.
Thanks for your wishes. I am grateful I found this blog and stoicism. As clearly I am not the first human to suffer from tragedy but I can control how I respond to it.
My neighbour passed from cancer 3 and half months ago and I remember his wife telling me later "they rang me just after 3am to tell me he was close to passing and I should come and say my goodbyes, what they didn't tell me was he was already gone, not wanting to panic me while I drove to the hospital". This little bit of conversation has stayed with me for reasons I can't fathom when it wasn't my loss but your article brought it home to me again. And with other losses I have personally experienced this year the deeper meanings in this article really hit close to home. Thanks for sharing.
I loved this, thank you. I am a veterinarian, medical researcher, artist, certified mindfulness meditation teacher, and animal hospice advocate who writes. I had encephalitis 18 years ago and still daily live with its effects. (Brucellosis and Neurolymes) Through my near-death experience, taking my grandmother through hospice care at age 92 (colon cancer), I was converted to offering animal hospice care as an alternative to euthanasia when appropriate. I agree with you: death is a natural process, and I believe in most cases, with our tools, not painful or suffering. But our societal assumptions do not usually allow this.
I am writing a book to offer this alternative and why. I personally hope I do not have to die intubated in an ICU. Hopefully, both humans and animals will have the opportunity to die with intervention if necessary, and also the opportunity to die peacefully with the ordered shut-down process with their dearest companions. It is so very devastating as a medical provider to shift suddenly from cure to comfort care. Oncologists still do not appropriately refer to hospice care aided by their patients who want to try one more thing; you never know.
But we are truly hobbled by our fear, denial, and avoidance of death. Most practitioners cannot say “die” or have ever seen a “natural” death, and we hide our aged as they approach the end of life, not live with them like in other cultures. Euphemisms rule. Twice as a veterinarian, I witnessed two children who tried not ever to sleep again because they were afraid they may sleep and never return as their pets were “put to sleep” and disappeared.
We are so committed to healing, death can feel like a failure, and so does being thanked profusely for a euthanasia “well done.” People are so haunted for years by their pet euthanasia choices that I stopped telling fellow travelers on an airplane that I was a veterinarian to avoid being asked to absolve them and agree they did the “right” thing even years ago. I know practically the circumstances to practice pet hospice care may not exist, and euthanasia is a personal choice between a person and their pet. Even aiming for a hospice death, I advocate for an emergency euthanasia plan in place. I have, though, witnessed transformative experiences, good deaths, and the person able to properly say goodbye. Sometimes it is even more devastating to lose a pet; not usually any baggage or unfinished business. Those that are able to offer pet hospice always, in my experience, do it again. They often live easier and can plan for and accept their own mortality. There is almost always no complicated grief, guilt, shame, or second-guessing.
I hope in the future both people and pets will have more opportunity to choose hospice or euthanasia, and all support practices will be in place. I apologize this is so long. Thank you for addressing these delicate issues from a human patient perspective.
It seems you dabble with these thoughts all too often. And writing about it helps us process it. No apology was necessary 😊.
Have you thought of serializing the book here on Substack? Many authors are taking this route. I don't think I'm the only one interested in flipping its pages.
Thank you @The One Alternative View ! No, I have not thought about that, but what a fantastic idea! That would give me a way to get it out there sooner in more bite-sized pieces for me and readers! Do you have any suggested favorite examples? Much appreciated! Cheers.
Does it help for a person to believe in a afterlife. When they are close to death. And Does medical professionals suffer from ptsd, more than other professions.
I have a relative who was a helicopter door gunner in Vietnam. Then he had a career working as an anesthesiologist. It’s as if he lived a life on the edge. Now he helps others with ptsd at the veterans center.
I got the call for my mother at 3 am. She was in ICU, dying from stage 4 cancer and unfortunately (or who knows fortunately) accelerated by sodium given too quickly by the ICU staff about a week ago. Normally the visiting hours allowed only 15 mins but that previous evening the nurses said I could stay longer if I wanted. They were kind.
I remember watching as she struggled for those 10 mins and then I told my brother I am going to step out so she can go easily and she did.
That’s sad. I’m sorry about your loss Nidhi. My heart is with you. I wish you peace! <3💐
Thanks for your wishes. I am grateful I found this blog and stoicism. As clearly I am not the first human to suffer from tragedy but I can control how I respond to it.
So sorry Nidhi, for your loss. I wish you comfort. Those moments can be too heavy to carry, especially when they hit close to home.
I found this reflection powerful and worth a second look thh
My neighbour passed from cancer 3 and half months ago and I remember his wife telling me later "they rang me just after 3am to tell me he was close to passing and I should come and say my goodbyes, what they didn't tell me was he was already gone, not wanting to panic me while I drove to the hospital". This little bit of conversation has stayed with me for reasons I can't fathom when it wasn't my loss but your article brought it home to me again. And with other losses I have personally experienced this year the deeper meanings in this article really hit close to home. Thanks for sharing.
I’m sorry that happened Serenity — my heartfelt condolences 💐 . I wish you peace.
So sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and comfort. Glad the article helped, however little.
That articles are the most sensitive for me…….
Beautiful thoughts which may be hidden, beneath the unnoticed tears.
I loved this, thank you. I am a veterinarian, medical researcher, artist, certified mindfulness meditation teacher, and animal hospice advocate who writes. I had encephalitis 18 years ago and still daily live with its effects. (Brucellosis and Neurolymes) Through my near-death experience, taking my grandmother through hospice care at age 92 (colon cancer), I was converted to offering animal hospice care as an alternative to euthanasia when appropriate. I agree with you: death is a natural process, and I believe in most cases, with our tools, not painful or suffering. But our societal assumptions do not usually allow this.
I am writing a book to offer this alternative and why. I personally hope I do not have to die intubated in an ICU. Hopefully, both humans and animals will have the opportunity to die with intervention if necessary, and also the opportunity to die peacefully with the ordered shut-down process with their dearest companions. It is so very devastating as a medical provider to shift suddenly from cure to comfort care. Oncologists still do not appropriately refer to hospice care aided by their patients who want to try one more thing; you never know.
But we are truly hobbled by our fear, denial, and avoidance of death. Most practitioners cannot say “die” or have ever seen a “natural” death, and we hide our aged as they approach the end of life, not live with them like in other cultures. Euphemisms rule. Twice as a veterinarian, I witnessed two children who tried not ever to sleep again because they were afraid they may sleep and never return as their pets were “put to sleep” and disappeared.
We are so committed to healing, death can feel like a failure, and so does being thanked profusely for a euthanasia “well done.” People are so haunted for years by their pet euthanasia choices that I stopped telling fellow travelers on an airplane that I was a veterinarian to avoid being asked to absolve them and agree they did the “right” thing even years ago. I know practically the circumstances to practice pet hospice care may not exist, and euthanasia is a personal choice between a person and their pet. Even aiming for a hospice death, I advocate for an emergency euthanasia plan in place. I have, though, witnessed transformative experiences, good deaths, and the person able to properly say goodbye. Sometimes it is even more devastating to lose a pet; not usually any baggage or unfinished business. Those that are able to offer pet hospice always, in my experience, do it again. They often live easier and can plan for and accept their own mortality. There is almost always no complicated grief, guilt, shame, or second-guessing.
I hope in the future both people and pets will have more opportunity to choose hospice or euthanasia, and all support practices will be in place. I apologize this is so long. Thank you for addressing these delicate issues from a human patient perspective.
Thanks for the warm compliment.
It seems you dabble with these thoughts all too often. And writing about it helps us process it. No apology was necessary 😊.
Have you thought of serializing the book here on Substack? Many authors are taking this route. I don't think I'm the only one interested in flipping its pages.
Thank you @The One Alternative View ! No, I have not thought about that, but what a fantastic idea! That would give me a way to get it out there sooner in more bite-sized pieces for me and readers! Do you have any suggested favorite examples? Much appreciated! Cheers.
You're welcome. And yes, I do have a favourite.
It's by Erik Hoel, a fantastic writer.
Here's the link - https://www.theintrinsicperspective.com/p/the-lore-of-the-world
Gratitude 🙏🏽
❤️🌹
Well written. Kept me reading to the last word.
Does it help for a person to believe in a afterlife. When they are close to death. And Does medical professionals suffer from ptsd, more than other professions.
I have a relative who was a helicopter door gunner in Vietnam. Then he had a career working as an anesthesiologist. It’s as if he lived a life on the edge. Now he helps others with ptsd at the veterans center.
Hi Ingrid, just send me an email to my substack account. Cheers, Angus
just send me a note on substack, Ingrid --- Cheers