Stoicism in Relationships: Love, Betrayal, Jealousy, Leadership and Staying Dangerous
Betrayal is the biggest fear in relationships. Mistrust insults the dignity of love and commitment.
“For believe me! — the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment is: to live dangerously!” — Friedrich Nietzsche.
Detachment is more important in relationships as one is most vulnerable and mired in the highs and lows of emotion. One can't get too excited, lest they risk being surprised by a sudden turn of events, and one ought to control the negative, or nihilistic thoughts, lest good experiences die out such that it's unpleasant and dreadful to be in the relationship. Maintaining this stability of mind while leaping to trust one’s partner requires strength. And it’s thus…
With Great Strength Comes the Great Responsibility to Love
A wise person will see the key to indomitable strength and power isn’t in one’s physicality, although it helps, but in the quality of a man’s mind and soul — controlling his perspective about life, other people, and himself. To acquire this power, one needs the complete acceptance that a good life is indistinct from suffering: stress, pressure to perform, and loss, then consider the possibility that this pain is good for it leads to growth, confidence, and strength. This philosophy also requires one to understand that they're fundamentally powerful beyond measure, as evidenced by one’s ability to choose how to respond whenever met by resistance. To think manly, powerful, strong, defiant, thoughts. To own and author oneself into a strong character meeting the demands of a crude reality with grace. This mentality shifts responsibility from God or the universe to man himself, where life changes from being oppressive and unfair to constructing it, through our actions, into a wholesome experience according to one's desired strategic end.
One would also say this idea is a kind of delusion, but philosophers, neuroscientists, and cognitive therapists have often proved that beliefs color how one sees the world. Negative beliefs produce and perpetuate depressive emotions even during good times while positive ones produce a beautiful and joyous experience, even if one might be suffering.
Emotions and thoughts arise from one's value judgments about what is good and bad. Luckily, these beliefs are malleable; it can be easy and reflexive to see stress as beneficial as it is normal to view it as harmful. To serve as an example, the internet is laden with humans tolerating and thriving under ungodly amounts of stress. You’ve probably heard of David Goggins and others. Acquiring an intolerance to modes of thinking promoting comfort and weakness forces the mind to work within designated constraints and standards, sacrificing whatever is convenient and pleasurable for what's higher: nobility, power, fulfillment. One succeeds at this practice through detachment, where there’s the appreciation that one isn't inextricably entwined to what they experience in body or mind, but they’re a separate entity looking, as if through an indestructible glass window, at available options, choosing a wise strategy, deciding what to focus on, and executing the favorable action for however long.
For if good and bad lie in the external world, then it wouldn't explain why wealth is a tool for debauchery to some people while others use it to do more good. Or in the case of the COVID-19 pandemic which happened to everyone, some people found opportunities to thrive while others were unable to adapt and have never recouped since. Those events are indifferent, they just are. And it would be foolish to spend effort and attention on what happens regardless of our pleas, complaints, and wishes instead of our thoughts and actions that could actually make a difference. Good and bad therefore lie inside us and it’s not events that trouble people, it's the attitude and character with which one approaches them.
It’s what Schopenhauer observed when he said that's "why the same external events or circumstances affect no two people alike; even with perfectly similar surroundings everyone lives in a world of his own," and "on hearing of the interesting events which have happened in the course of a man's experience, many people will wish that similar things had happened in their lives too, completely forgetting that they should be envious rather of the mental aptitude which lent those events the significance they possess when he describes them; to a man of genius they were interesting adventures; but to the dull perceptions of an ordinary individual they would have been stale, everyday occurrences."
If you believe nothing can hurt you, you'll barely take anything personally, let fatigue deter you from your goal, or let death tremble you. Challenges excite you because you get to exercise your character and rational skills. You’re free to take high-reward risks with confidence, own the world, throw the middle finger at what tries to threaten you, and do whatever you want as long as it’s good.
Is this philosophy elitist? It doesn't matter. What does are the outcomes. When one realizes how powerful they are through this attitude, when pain is beneath them, it's only reflexive to be vulnerable, confront uncomfortable feelings, and shelter others under this might. And then one can conclude that all cruelty stems from the ignorance of one’s strength. It’s true humans are fragile creatures, but what they can do, handle, and endure before mortality strikes is remarkable. There’s a lot of room for living on the edge. One only has to look into history, into the prisoners of war living in inhumane conditions during the Holocaust.
With great power, therefore, comes great responsibility for care, compassion, empathy, and astute leadership. And now that I’ve introduced you to yourself, here’s…
How to Conquer Betrayal and Its Fear
Betrayal is the biggest fear in relationships. Mistrust insults the dignity of love and commitment. It limits and scares people from experiencing growth, love, and fun with wholesome people. Therefore, if one can get inner security, confidence, and manumission from this worry, such that one can tell oneself, “You'll be good no matter what happens”, it's not impossible to imagine how joyous, free and loved one would be.
Taking this leap takes work, awareness, honesty, patience, commitment, and courage for it's laden with uncomfortable feelings. But as with anything that involves refining one’s character, its fruits live far beyond the effort.
The idea is to scrutinize the character, goal, and values of potential worthy partners. But after that one ought to trust completely and catch negative thoughts or emotions, the ones without a rational basis for mistrust, find a corresponding belief they arise from, and then analyze their validity by looking for proof, challenge their value, and if warranted, reframe them with evidence-based beliefs or take another necessary course of action. Cleaning this filth can be too much work for anyone, hence the importance of adopting a growth mindset, and challenging oneself to build the confidence that they’re indeed resilient and will continue being better even if betrayed. It’ll take some time to grieve and process the loss, but one will get over it.
Doubting the truth of one’s invincibility is the enemy, which is why the continuous acquisition and rigorous practice of Stoic wisdom is a critical and progressive component for anyone desiring this power.
How to Deal with Jealousy
Jealousy is a normal but immature emotion. It does more harm than good as it puts one in a weak position when expressed; it calls to doubt one's competency and value in a relationship. Someone confident in their competence as a man, their strength, kindness, and resilience, their ability to be social and attract another partner, and their ability to discern the quality of the person they chose, wouldn't bother acting on the emotion. It's, therefore, a good idea to never show or act on it, even to goad and support one's partner to socialize with other people freely because the social experience is pleasurable and part of being human as long as it doesn’t lead to loss of self-respect.
One must trust. But with the caveat that if a partner, after acquiring proof, takes advantage and abuses this trust, consequences must ensue. Jealousy must therefore morph into protection.
Wise people know no action or threat can control a rogue partner. People who want to cheat will always find a way to satisfy their urges. The sooner one realizes how futile it is to control a grown-up, the more they'll put more effort into what's within their power: acting nobly, with justice and magnanimity, and in a way that builds trust within a relationship. Through the practice of outcome independence, focusing on one’s job and leadership role, one becomes less fearful, gains more confidence, and has more power to steer a relationship in a good direction. What others do or don’t do, after clearly stating our boundaries, expectations, and repercussions, is their moral concern. Our conscience is clear and ready to move on to be with worthy people as no one can hinder a man’s intention to love and trust as long as he’s alive.
Remembering that one is being weak and insecure by expressing this emotion is also enough to motivate a man to take the high road. The cure to jealousy is thus acquiring more competence daily and keeping in mind that all the negative outcomes that can transpire e.g. a partner cheating, are for one's advantage and growth. For example, it's a good thing to be betrayed for one now knows how shitty their partner is, a cue to stop investing time, energy, and money on them. One can then channel these freed-up resources on worthier pursuits and relationships with better chances of working out.
The impediment to action advances action.
Taking Care of Loved Ones with Wisdom and Justice
Leadership in relationships requires discerning right from wrong so one can know how to guide people in the right direction. This sense of justice quiets the self-interest plaguing us all, helping one serve others in the best way possible. Fairness also helps with the age-old punishment and reward psychological reigns crucial in goading people on the right path. Wisdom then helps one know the approach to influencing others: the consequences of failing to meet an expectation, and the benefits to accrue from doing so. This virtue helps one float through the quicksand of emotion, avoid pettiness, and prioritize what's likely to become valuable over the long term. Prudence is also what determines whether one will enjoy their life, choose the right partner, spend time on what matters, and make the right business moves in the volatile field of conflicting interests.
Magnanimity is another concept the Stoics endorsed when dealing with other people. This grace, kindness, and generosity are a product of occupying the lofty philosopher king seat teachers bid their students occupy by enlightening them about their power to choose what can truly get to them. Thus, when an action is deemed disgusting and beneath our doing, it becomes unattractive to do as it signals giving in to weakness.
It's only the strong person who can give people the benefit of the doubt whenever they do wrong because he knows how minuscule other people's actions are in affecting his well-being over time. Furthermore, when punishment is warranted, this man is slow to deliver it, aiming to do so without passion, but reason.
This attitude of mind is reminiscent of a story of the Samurai who sought revenge for his murdered overlord, where, before killing the perpetrator, he resheathed his sword and walked away because he was angry that the murderer spat on him. Why? Because the Japanese Ronin must preserve his honor above all else, never acting out of emotion, but Justice. Similarly, a Stoic's response must be in accord with rational judgment and good intentions, lest he'll be in the wrong. Hence, he'll always be careful in his dealings with people by being patient, seeking evidence, and probing further to see beyond false appearances and assess people's psychology, intentions, and beliefs, which then allows him to tolerate them, if it leads to more good than harm to do so. Or gently guide them towards the light.
It's a beautiful thing when one sees other people as "Sparring partners," as Marcus Aurelius would recommend to himself, to train, test, and improve one’s moral progress. Anger arising from people's foolish actions, rebelliousness, or stabbing words becomes a chance to practice self-control and wisdom. A chance to look within, see how one has often done similar misdeeds, reflect on the emotional root of the anger, choose rational strategies to approach the niggling issue and thus excel in acting like a god, never led astray by the impression of matters or controlled like a puppet by any mortal disturbances but rather choosing a worthy, and if possible a light-hearted, response.
For the aggressive young man, it's understandable to confuse this kindness with weakness. Indeed, grace without the capacity for savagery can metamorphose into frailty because if there's no limit beyond which one becomes ruthless, many beautiful things in the world would turn ugly, a lot of innocent people would get hurt, loved ones would distrust our ability to protect them. But it’s with Justice and composure, that one analyzes the gravity of the offense, and through a courageous spirit, they deliver an equal proportion of punishment. Not more or less. Some people may need a little leniency while others may need severe punishment, depending on one’s non-negotiable boundaries and the wrong-doer’s lagging recalcitrance after the administration of several warnings.
This way, one doesn't discipline others for the sake of it, but to help them become better people. Better for the world.
How to Stay Dangerous
Some people are too serious. But life is boring without mischief and a healthy disregard for pain, death, or consequences. A transient madness rebelling against the strict confines of the life of a great man presupposes. It’s this same contrarian spirit that breaks normal conventions, and fuels radical innovation, art, technology, and beauty and so killing it would be forgetting what it means to be alive. To create. To flourish. A feeling best felt at the edges. Not comfort.
Love too is dangerous living as it involves being vulnerable with someone else through the openness to the uncertainty of getting one's heart broken via rejection, betrayal and not being loved back. Woman is thus the best test for a man's emotional mastery because, in the heat of desire and frustration, he is more liable to losing control of his judgment. Loving requires letting go of chronic mistrust, doubts, and insecurities, depending on one’s attachment style: anxious or avoidant. It requires realizing that another person can't be one's everything as fate could decide otherwise - they could cheat, or they could die -, developing an inner resilience that knows all will be well if those tragedies happen as the intention to love, care, and protect another person in the world can’t disappear, and focusing only on what truly matters: to perform one's part with excellence. It’s allowing people to be who they are and want to be while evaluating if one can tolerate them as life is too short to hang with losers.
Even though thinking in this manner may influence a loved one to stay, hence its utility in “game”, that's not the intention. The attitude behind this idea is cultivating an unquestionable reputation of strength and self-reliance within oneself and in reality.
Staying dangerous also requires taking life in light humor instead of lamenting it, and engaging people in some banter. No one knows how to take and tell a joke like a Stoic, this practice is his forte because nothing bad can happen to him unless he interprets it to be so. He's the rock that calms the raging anger, insecurities, and jealousy constantly stoked in the social realm. He can take a joke and tell one; being defensive is beneath him.
For example, he may decline a mindless request from his girlfriend or wife, and through frustration, she may say, "I'm sorry I bothered you princess." In reply, this man can reply, "Thanks for understanding, I'm having my menstrual period today."
This witty remark implies confidence and good humor which are attractive and disarming traits rather than sulking and complaining. Slapping someone for making a silly joke. Similarly, a less demanding retort would be ignoring the attempt at vexation and changing the subject. What matters is one doesn't lose their cool, and moral integrity, obsess over petty matters, or give in and do something they wouldn't want to do. In contrast, a hot-headed person would jump in anger that he was called a princess — which would only look weak and pathetic.
There are some situations where some jokes go too far and become obnoxious, signaling a lack of respect even after several attempts at being graceful. While having enough is justified, it's inexcusable to act less than the ideal rational being God made one to be. It's therefore wise to approach this problem with tact, by questioning oneself.
Perhaps you didn't give enough instruction about what you like and loathe in a relationship, or you weren’t clear with your boundaries, or maybe you didn't give enough reassurance, attention, or respect to make the other person fulfill their duty to the relationship. And if all those prerequisites were ticked off yet someone acted like a fool, one can always deliver the expected consequences, and then beyond the point of no return, they get banished. Not out of anger, but because the relationship is no longer worth it to them and we owe it to ourselves to maintain our self-respect by being with high-quality people.