How to Ask for Help
What’s good for the hive is good for the bee.
"Don't be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill just like a soldier on the wall of battle. So what if you are injured and can't climb up without another soldier's help?" — Marcus Aurelius
Needing help can seem pathetic.
"I can handle it," we say in defiance — confident of our ability to get things done.
It's honorable. Independence inspires respect.
But there’s a dark side.
You may see the need for help to be the Judas of your inadequacy.
Perhaps you were scolded into believing so in the past.
But you ought to cut yourself some slack.
You didn't know you could fix a problem by looking it up on Reddit, learning a skill.
Or asking a kind friend to help you.
Maybe some asshole bragged about how they helped you so they can seem good to other people and this put a dent on your self-esteem.
Rejection is also quite painful.
I understand all that.
But you must know true confidence and power is knowing you’re good at something and finding solace and comfort in that capacity.
You don’t need to prove yourself by doing a million things.
Don't get me wrong.
It's shameful to keep asking for help as if you have no agency. As if you can't do a simple search on YouTube. Buy a book. Or read a blog to learn how something works.
Yet, asking for help all the time robs you of key learning points, where if you fucked around and found out you could have had first hand experience and enduring lessons that you pass on to your mentees, friends, and grandkids.
No one can walk the adventure of life for you.
You need skin in the game. That’s the fun part about living.
But I digress.
For the wise, having some help enhances your effectiveness in the areas you're needed most.
You're still involved in life. Not like Seneca’s man who,
“…is so lost in luxury that he takes another's word as to whether he is sitting down! This man, then, is not at leisure, you must apply to him a different term — he is sick, nay, he is dead.”
Rather than thinking of help as indicating inadequacy, you can see it as an opportunity to do better in what contributes to your big picture. For you only have so much bandwidth. Only two hands. One brain.
You can multitask, but you'll miss out on what Marcus Aurelius said about fufilment,
"If you seek tranquility, do less. Or (more accurately) do what's essential. Do less, better. Because most of what we do or say is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you'll have more tranquility."
Common wisdom is that leaders - I believe everyone is a leader - should take charge from the front. It sets the example. The pace. Culture. Shows the competition that you're not to be fucked with.
But there's a time and place for leading in that manner.
Strategic flexibility is more appropriate.
You’ll come to appreciate that it's sometimes wise to lead from the back because you burning out, getting late to hand in a report, or catching the heat of battle makes you vulnerable.
You become tactical.
And the team will fail the mission because you've lost perspective of the vision.
You’ve lost the forest for the trees.
However, asking for help doesn't mean ordering people around because you feel like you're the boss.
That’s comical.
There's a way to ask for help without coming off as entitled, with the dignity to signify that you could have done the ask.
That it's much better for the team when someone helps you handle it.
Frame the request in the form of a question and explain why what you want done is important for the relationship, goal or business.
In this way, an individual feels respected.
They become more receptive to you and they own the task to want to do it in the best way possible.
Therefore, you must ask yourself an honest question.
Do you want to show off your independence while grumbling and resenting people? Or do you want to get things done?
All my readers are people of caliber. I know you'll choose the latter.
And when in doubt, always remember…
“What’s good for the hive is good for the bee.” — Marcus Aurelius
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I love the idea of asking for help not in an entitled, shameful manner, but to enhance your effectiveness in the areas you're needed.
Sometimes we need to try on our own, but if we can learn, or make others learn, by asking in a way that doesn't stunt us, and instead moves both us and the one answering forward--that's moving the needle.