How a Stoic Deals with Loneliness
For the great man, loneliness turns into solitude.
"Hecato says, ‘I can teach you a love potion made without any drugs, herbs, or special spell: if you would be loved, love.'" — Seneca.
There are two responses many people fall under after getting hurt by others:
People who lack self-reliance express the symptoms of an unstable mind. A good number of these individuals lose themselves and fall into depression and anxiety, a stabbing loneliness. This attitude of mind is also why most are unable to build good relationships; they exude desperation as, without inner strength, they can't endure the probability of losing a loved one. They cling tightly to their dearest, become jealous, lie, and dishonor themselves since they view their friends as their ultimate source of joy, not knowing this action only creates a self-fulfilling dynamic — they push people away and get submerged in the cold sadness they feared all along.
Those aware of this neediness and its consequences may strive to do the opposite — avoid any close connection to protect themselves from being hurt. The typical 'lone wolf'. This move may indeed work for some time as independence attracts people. But over time, the attitude loses its power as relationships are about genuine curiosity, mutual dependence from a place of abundance, effort, and the intent to connect. It’s also absurd to avoid people because one is sentenced to a duty of sociability, kindness, love, and compassion the moment they’re born. Deviating from that path therefore only brings dissatisfaction as playing games becomes the end instead of a means to enjoying a good, fulfilling, and fun relationship.
How to Get Quality Friends
While there's a purpose for solitude in creativity and spirituality, it does no good to isolate oneself. One needs lively friends. Maybe a lover. A brotherhood. Family. Even though those people may be wholesome to be with, they can also be imperfect, annoying, and not up to par with our standards and it's wise to accept them as they are and know how to work with them. Seeing the flaws in other people may also humble and inspire one to work on their weaknesses, rather than deny them and feed the darkness in the unconscious — complacency and incompetence; it leads to the cultivation of the ideal human being using his demons to achieve his purpose.
There’s utility in intolerance for the obnoxious and evil people poisoning the good and beauty in the world, and that’s where hostility, savagery, and battle must be waged to destroy the puny lot of them before they turn everything we hold dear into shit. It’s also through these enemies that we get the motivation to keep fighting our way toward the light despite the countless obstacles as living in decay and degeneracy isn’t an option. It’s how we get to fight our demons, laziness, weaknesses. But I digress.
Engaging in the pleasures of social intercourse and being comfortable in solitude is a good skill to have because one won't be desperate to create and maintain friendships to escape having the depressive thoughts of being alone. Nor will one want to lose his uniqueness by conforming too much with others that one adopts their vices and specks of mediocrity. What's wise is choosing and building quality relationships with the right company as, through the admiration of their light, they push one to be a better person.
There's an art to getting real friends. And it's simple. Mostly, it comes down to having good intentions, oozing positivity, elegance, grace and respect, being well-read to talk about various topics, giving people space, not talking too much but knowing how to carry a conversation, exuding non-judgment, remembering peculiarities about people, complementing people's effort instead of talent or outcomes, indulging people in their ideas while disagreeing politely, being generous & valuable. And, this is an important one, trying hard not to give people advice. Practicing those ideas can attract many friends, but choosing good ones requires one to judge people by the strength of their character, a very strict filter.
Quality relationships will always be better than quantity. One to three close and long-term friends one can count on as they’re loyal and have good intentions are better than being known by a thousand people, even if the latter could have a use in business or politics.
When one embarks on the journey to meet new people; they'll meet resistance. There will be snobs looking to make one feel dumber or less sophisticated than them, insults disguised as banter, and big egos that need supplication. Those can make one shy away from social interactions, and it's warranted. But there's a drawback. One ends up depriving themselves of the possibility of meeting the other percentage of cool people. Perseverance and love, not avoidance and hate, are therefore necessary. Narcissists also attract through their baseless confidence and outspokenness but take advantage of good people. Without courage, boundaries, principles, plus the ability to discern and call out these people when they do wrong, one becomes a doormat. A thing to use a discard. Therefore, it's wise to premeditate and expect some people to be evil and manipulative, and to expect and prepare oneself to live and die like a man: to avoid these ingrates without hating them, complaining, cursing, or wishing anything to be different than it already is. Many good people deserve and await the bounty of your beautiful spirit.
It can be easy to become cynical, hateful and chronically skeptical of humanity, believing evil reigns. That perspective is half baked and thus inconducive to a smooth and happy life as it corrupts one's inherent goodness and chance at joy. A difficult truth to realize is that everyone is driven by self-interest and so when incentives don't align, there will be conflict, betrayal, and rejection. The false part is that one should be skeptical and dismissive of other humans and only look out for oneself.
Stoics love wisely; they don't stop treating other human beings well even when dealing with nasty people. It's normal to feel angry and vengeful, but what does it lead to? Nothing good, except in cases of absolute evil. What's better is to keep a safe distance before people’s stupidity rubs off on us. And before one gets to this position, it's wise to perform due diligence by assessing and judging people's character to know those with a beautiful character worth investing in.
The Stoic also doesn't care about what others think of him, only the honest and thorough assessment he has of himself. He knows his flaws. For without self-awareness, he's at a disadvantage: he can't distinguish constructive criticism from people's projections of their insecurities. There could be lessons to some of the criticism one faces, but it's impossible to benefit from it all if one is blinded by emotion. His only goal is improvement by perfecting his rationality, for no one who desires happiness and tranquility is averse to wisdom, however revealingly painful of our flaws it may be.
Sometimes the possibility of love can seem far fetched if one has a long record of poor relationships. But in the spirit of bravery, it's good to take this idea to the end. What if one never gets the chance to experience a good and happy friendship, the tender warmth of a romantic partner, getting cared for and appreciated for the sacrifices, called on cold and lonely nights to be told goodnight? So what! Nothing is stopping one from loving others and bringing them great cheer. Not in a fixated and obsessive way toward one individual, but by discerning the level of involvement, being helpful, and flowing with people’s temperaments and circumstances — extending this love to everyone. In this case, one not only wants to be social, but also a composed, kind, and graceful man, which is in keeping with excellence in humanity and what the Greeks termed eudaemonia (happiness). Being a better human being doesn't necessarily mean one will always get their way or one won’t get betrayed, acting with courage, patience, grace, and goodwill is enough. Thus, rejections and meeting ill-mannered people allow one to grow in spiritual strength, learn, and refine one’s character by resolving to always love, not hate.
Loneliness After a Break-Up
“I want to take a bath and at the same time to keep my moral purpose (prohairesis) in accordance with nature”. — Epictetus
Break ups are beautiful. They remind us we can be powerful, independent, and happy without others even though good friendships may be contributive to a fulfilling life. They remind us that character refinement is the sole good and value of whatever adventure we embark on in life — virtue can be an end in itself.
Other ends we envision, like long-lasting relationships, closeness, and romance aren’t as important as being good. They’re merely by-products, whose lack doesn’t excuse one from acting less than human.
It's in this view that relationships are not merely about enjoyment and the exercise of seductive powers, but also growth. This improvement isn't about one's partner and what they ought to do better, even though it’s part of the process for the two different souls seeking togetherness to seek compromise, but about you in relation to them.
This perspective encourages a wise person to pursue commitment despite the chance of getting hurt. To take that risk is with a great purpose. To forge a high-quality character in the greatest of contests: claiming inner freedom in the profusion of external love, good feelings, and sensual pleasure. A strong disposition is sturdy enough to withstand the fleeting highs and soul-crushing lows, humble enough to listen to different perspectives, and ably rational to dispute the validity of popular beliefs. It also contains a constellation of self-sufficiency ready to embrace and endure the pangs of loneliness. This greatness of soul makes light of the catastrophe of breakups.
The wisdom underlying this strength is in the dichotomy of control. No one can make us happy or sad as people are outside our control, even though one can influence them to a surprising degree where incentives and good intentions abound. Therefore, expecting much or perfection from them, even after judging the quality of their character, most times begets disappointments, irritability, and anger.
A critical aim to embody when dealing with people is focusing on what one can exert absolute control over, which is: ensuring one's character remains untainted through towering thoughts and actions, being loving and kind but authoritative, self-controlled but free, manlike and able to dismiss pleasure, and never submissive to weakness. It’s choosing to beware and kill the false belief of externals ever having the ability to hurt us, such that one is afraid to leave toxic relationships or afraid to get rejected. Or the harmful opinion that this preferred but fundamentally indifferent external, friendship or romance, can be the sole reason for our happiness, a terrible sickness of the mind leading to something as contemptible as begging for love and conforming to a popular group.
From that frame of mind, it’s easy to build worthy relationships and let go of useless ones. Even bad people get to serve a purpose — they’re a real exemplar of the antithesis one ought to keep fighting against. This is why being hateful or resentful in the face of an act as terrible as betrayal is a lot of unworthy baggage to carry around as it goes against our true nature to love and admire the light in others. It also deprives us of happiness because in lamenting one’s woes, one doesn’t see this event as an opportunity to exercise justice, pick worthy lessons, get stronger, and teach others a better way of living. Or plot superior strategies like using our enemies. What's bad is therefore not letting our rational judgment adapt external events to our advantage out of ignorance or weakening of the mind by pleasure.
Premeditatio Malorum
Uncertainty is the norm and thus wasteful of our time and energy to struggle to avoid thinking or worrying about it. It only gets comfortable when one works out how they’ll restyle to the probable undesirable scenarios to bring the utmost peace, joy, and advantage in their life. Adaptation, not wishful thinking, is salvation.
Most people think contemplating loss invites it. But the wise know anything bad probable to happen can happen, Murphy’s law, as we humans have no sway over fate, we adapt ourselves to it. Therefore, the best action isn’t hoping for the best for there’s nothing as bad as false confidence. It’s to stay ready and prepare for anything bad to happen so one isn't caught by surprise. Those who don't know what to do when misfortune hits suffer the most as they find it hard to adapt by clinging to the delusion of how reality should be rather than how it is.
This practice is good if one doesn’t sink into pitying oneself or getting worried about what may come, for what’s within your power is to endure the possible, rise above your emotions, continue doing what’s useful, and use it to gain an even bigger advantage.
In this way, true confidence in the sea of unpredictability is analyzing the strengths of people’s character to see if they’re a worthy time investment, trusting them completely, being a good man, and believing in one’s innate strength to overcome in case of betrayal. Through this belief one can live and love freely, but not stupidly. A measured type of love born from reason and temperance that doesn’t love obsessively, preferentially, or with overattachment to a single individual for as Seneca so beautifully says, “he who has not been able to love more than one, did not even love that one much’ (Letters, 63).
The Power of Amor Fati
It's a rarity to lack someone to talk to and build a relationship with over the long haul. One only has to make himself worth loving through good character, intentions, and actions. Even with that reassurance, there will still be a voice doubting this social success. It says we'll live and die alone, with no one to share our accomplishments with or talk to in the dead of the night. This scenario might indeed happen, knowing how capricious life can be — you can unjustly land in jail. It's therefore wise to indulge this catastrophizing voice in our heads for the confidence it'll bring when we work out that we'll be alright, no matter what.
For example, in the worst-case scenario: If one ends up being lonely, with no family and friends to connect with, there will be silent moments, especially at night, when one wishes life could be different. There will be a lot of crying, and probably suicidal contemplations. It can get real ugly. It can be tempting to do drugs to numb the pain or go to bars to connect with others, but the former causes more problems than it fixes while the latter creates shaky relationships at best. One might learn social skills but without the genuine intent to create valuable associations and a lasting connection, one will still end up lonely. Those reactions are all normal, understandable, particularly if there's nothing one can do about this problem.
The first step to dealing with that worst case scenario will be complete acceptance, for it's from this perspective a man will know what to do with himself to handle this fate. It also does no good to avoid facing the depressive sink of loneliness. Thus, the faster and more courageously one faces this broken heart, instead of denying it, the steadier one's mind becomes to accept the next reparative steps for loneliness. It's unlikely life offers nothing else to do in this situation as there are many beautiful things to enjoy in this limited existence: art, sunrise, mastery, music, the taste of salt. Enjoyment of life thus depends on how one sees and uses the mundane. Joy is a choice one makes.
One must then laugh and keep doing their best to love life and other people, learn about oneself, and express courage and strength when facing, getting intimate with, and rising above this dreadful feeling of loneliness for, “…if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you,” Epictetus says. Even the ugliest people become the most charming and useful to compensate for their inadequacies. Besides, for life could be worse, there’s an immense feeling of gratitude.
On Duty as Enough for Happiness
[A topic for another time]
Stoicism urges excellence in our duty to the world as supreme rational beings. Øne must embark on a lofty goal, focus on the process, and pursue it regardless of the outcome. And øne can find comfort in Marcus Aurelius' words when the man encourages himself to "practice even what seems impossible. The left hand is useless at almost everything, for lack of practice. But it guides the reins better than the right. From practice." Hence, for the great man, loneliness turns to solitude as it provides more time, resources, and energy to spend on various life tasks, challenges, and strategic missions whose virtue primarily constitutes a fulfilling life in accordance with nature as it reflects, courage, self-control, justice and wisdom. Happiness, despite loneliness, thus only takes the initiative and deliberate intent to be exceptional without avoiding the despondent feeling in the lone moments.
In conclusion, the cure to loneliness is this: be functional in your purpose, do your duty as a human being: love and be kind, and don't avoid the feeling. Then tame your desires to see that kind of life as enough to constitute happiness. Radiate love, but adjust your scope of attention, care, and investment based on people’s character. Don’t hate.
Remember:
“It’s unfortunate that this happened. No. It’s fortunate that this has happened and I’ve remained unharmed by it—not shattered by the present or shattered by the future. It could have happened to anyone. But not everyone could have remained unharmed by it.” — Marcus Aurelius
“Does what’s happened keep you from acting with justice, generosity, self-control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness, and all the other qualities that allow a person’s nature to fulfill itself? So remember this principle when something threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune.” — Marcus Aurelius