Do Women Belong in the Kitchen and Other Dichotomies
Life doesn't have to be drawn up with large brush strokes.
Do Women Belong in the Kitchen?
“Practice even what seems impossible. The left hand is useless at almost everything, for lack of practice. But it guides the reins better than the right. From practice.” — Marcus Aurelius
“Concentrate every minute like a Roman — like a man — on doing what's in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice.” — Marcus Aurelius
Family matters. There’s nothing better than having people bound by blood and an unrelenting connection looking out for and comforting each other in times of trouble and celebrating the good times. The quality of this relationship is nothing to play with and therefore demands the same conscientiousness and intention we pour into the other parts of our lives — if not more.
We’d therefore do well to raise wise and resilient children for the tough life they'll find themselves living. This guidance requires our undisrupted time and attention to afford them the love, care and affection they need. Provision of security, cool gadgets and sustenance isn’t enough. Or rather, in a kid’s perspective, all they want is us around to hold their hand and play with them.
Love is labor.
Having an all-consuming career would chip away at the time we’d have for our children and that’s why some people advocate for all women to become housewives.
But their reasoning is flawed.
There’s a special group of smart and driven women I’ve encountered in medical school and other professions who would become tragically unhappy if they didn't have purposeful work to tend to as they're well-equipped to handle more.
No sane man would want someone they love to be depressed for not expressing the force and potential of their nature.
That would be cruel.
If we can support our lovers to prioritize family while balancing it with what they like to do, even if at a small but consistent scale and help them appreciate, as Zeno said, that, "well-being is realized by small steps, but is truly no small thing," we can reach a life furthering compromise.
Perhaps we would do well to help our partner understand that a good life and worthy achievements don't have to come at the cost of their innate desire to love and cater to our family, commune and be social as the all-or-nothing hustle culture purports.
Life doesn't have to be drawn up with large brush strokes — which are clumsy at best and lead to burn out, and neither does she, in frustration of never having enough time, have to give up on her ambitions as if there was no better way to live.
Maybe, in the short time she curves out in her day, she can mark it with deliberate, intense and consistent effort to do some cool stuff that makes her proud of herself for inching closer to her goal and still taking good care of the family.
Does Stoicism Glorify Pain?
“To direct my every action toward what benefits us all and to avoid what doesn’t. If I do all that, then my life should go smoothly.” — Marcus Aurelius
“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.” — Seneca
“The man who has anticipated the coming of troubles takes away their power when they arrive.” — Seneca
“What I advise you to do is, not to be unhappy before the crisis comes” — Seneca
“Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy.” — Epictetus
“It is clear to you, I am sure, Lucilius, that no man can live a happy life, or even a supportable life, without the study of wisdom.” — Seneca
Stoicism doesn't glorify pain. It doesn't wish for it. A life of tranquility and flourishing is much preferable. Seneca says only a madman would yearn for discomfort or grief. However, a Stoic is still armed for war.
People who believe this philosophy glorifies pain don’t understand it.
They mistake the pride a man feels after overcoming an almost impossible obstacle and his appetite for taking bolder and useful risks therefrom for romanticizing pain.
They forget that he's only a human trying to make the best of a situation without losing his wits for as Seneca says,
“How does it help…to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?”
They forget that he's only exercising his power to choose how to react since his mind is all that's left about him in the worst situations.
This power is what Marcus Aurelius tells us when he says,
"Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back."
Or Epictetus when he says,
"I must be put in chains. Must I then also lament? I must go into exile. Does any man then hinder me from going with smiles and cheerfulness and contentment?"
What's wise about the Stoic is he knows that even if he prefers peace to war, he's not so naive as to imagine life cares about his wants. Shit happens. You might pray the whole day, or even prepare very well, and still — shit will happen. And rather than wait anxiously for trouble or wish it away you'd rather anticipate and prepare mentally and physically to endure and gain from it.
It's as Marcus Aurelius summarized the philosophy to himself, to
"Be a boxer, not a gladiator, in the way you act on your principles. The gladiator takes up his sword only to put it down again, but the boxer is never without his fist and has only to clench it."
He doesn't bank on good luck to save him, while not resisting it when it comes. Or shying away from asking for help. In this way, he's good with life as it unfolds because he can handle it.
Many people also think the philosophy advocates for callousness. But Stoicism doesn’t stop at indifference to what's outside our control, it majorly encourages love, kindness, friendship, and compassion.
One is also tasked with leading himself and his loved ones toward a good life: thriving, working for common benefit, and enjoying the fruits that are ours.
Poetry also marks parts of Marcus’ Meditations when he quips,
“We should remember that even Nature's inadvertence has its own charm, its own attractiveness. The way loaves of bread split open on top in the oven; the ridges are just by-products of the baking, and yet pleasing, somehow: they rouse our appetite without our knowing why.”
Marcel Proust, a more poetic writer, would indeed enjoy this writing while taking his tea and madeleine because, Marcus continues,
“Anyone with a feeling for nature—a deeper sensitivity—will find it all gives pleasure.”
Thus, detachment, indifference to everything except straightening his inner life and judgments, and a commitment to beauty, compassion and love for others are what Stoicism is about. It’s not a set of tools to punish yourself like the ascetic priest denouncing his nature to no end.
You become better, forged through pain and discomfort as there's no other way, because you'd be more useful to yourself and the people you care for stronger than weak. Because you're worth the greatness and happiness that would come of it. Because you love yourself enough to want the best for yourself.
That's Stoicism.
How to Compare Yourself to Others
“No person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power not to want what they don’t have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have.” — Seneca
It’s depressing to be in an echo chamber where we’re reminded that it’s as if we’re not ambitious enough, as if we don't have as much success as our friends, or that we're awkward and other people more confident.
This comparison happens unconsciously even though we’re doing our best. Even though we're pursuing different paths and goals.
We can never win when we do that and it would be unfair to ourselves.
But however agonizing the case might be, it’s wise to view it in a progressive light.
We can use the positive inspiration of people accomplishing stuff to be more consistent with the little we do, while being kind and full of love and compassion to ourselves so that at the end of the day we’re proud we did well.
We have to work with ourselves as we are. That’s how we ensure we’re utilizing all our potential to make the progress that matters to us.
It’s inevitable we will feel this heaviness some days more than others, but we can always pivot our attention to what we’re doing, our process, and our pace with the idea that if other people have done it, we can too.
How to Fail at Health Optimization
“If you seek tranquility, do less. Or do what’s essential. Do less, better. Because most of what we do or say is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more tranquility. But to eliminate the necessary actions, we need to eliminate unnecessary assumptions as well.” — Marcus Aurelius
Regular clarification of your long-term goals is crucial because it's so easy to distract yourself from real work and end up accomplishing nothing of value when what we're doing, even if it improves our health and helps us do more later in life, takes most of our time and gives us a ready-made excuse that's potently deceptive.
The other extreme of not taking care of your health is also deadening because your health determines how energetic you are to accomplish your daily tasks.
It's a balance: don't spend too much time at the gym. Work, learn, have a social life, and nourish your spiritual life. Actually live.
On Honors and Riches
“For the wise man does not consider himself unworthy of any gifts from Fortune’s hands: he does not love wealth but he would rather have it; he does not admit it into his heart but into his home; and what wealth is his he does not reject but keeps, wishing it to supply greater scope for him to practice his virtue.” — Seneca
It's wise to seek money, power, and status. The quality of life you can access through these possessions is unparalleled.
The best doctors get to take care of you and your loved one's health. A quality education provides you with a strong foothold and perspective to influence the world. You're free to do and work on whatever you want. And the experiences you buy enrich your relationships with family and friends.
The problem is in mistaking the means for the ends.
For example, what will give your relationships a lasting quality isn't the sum of the money, power, and status you can gather, but how you use them to enhance the bonds and how open you are to give people your uninterrupted time, attention, compassion, love, understanding and fun times even if you don’t need them.
Honors and riches add force to your primary motive: living a rational life. But in themselves, they won't make you happy as you’ll soon get used to them. Neither will they help you transcend your insecurities or elevate you to a Kingly status. In fact, without good judgment on how to use honors and riches, you only feed the demons to grow and destroy you. And by playing on your insecurities, some people will even manipulate and deviate you from your priorities leaving you feeling bitter and used.
The best money, power, and respect can do is give your character more power and room for expression. They're not more valuable than your essence, peace, freedom, quality friendships, health, and happiness.
Have we become binary like our devices? Why is everything one or the other? This or that? Black and white? Good or evil?
I could never understand why Earnest Hemingway was held up as an example of stoicism. As a writer, he was great, but I don't know that his life was something noble. What you've described here is uplifting and powerful. I led an unconventional life after growing up in the kitchen. But what choice does one have when your philosophy is to be true to yourself?
?? This is quite patronising towards women, despite your apparent good intentions. You ignore the possibility that a man can be a nurturer in a family and learn how to balance that with his drive to succeed in the paid workforce. We’re no longer in the masculine arena of Ancient Rome where ‘Man’ is at the centre and literally excludes women from public life.