CXI. Against Saying Too Much
The power of silence.
P.S: Most of you loved the previous entries on How To Deal With Toxic People & How To Negotiate.
“Be silent as to services you have rendered, but speak of favors you have received.”— Epictetus
“We have two ears and one mouth, therefore we should listen twice as much as we speak.” — Zeno
Over our lifetime, we’ve learned something important. Talking too much can make us seem weak. Oversharing kills the mystery that anchors attractiveness and desirability. Endless rumbling and always trying to explain ourselves can make people stop listening.
But that doesn’t mean closing up and staying quiet all the time is the answer.
It’s smart to know when to speak and when to stay silent. Not everything needs a reaction. Sometimes, saying the right thing at the right time can get people to listen and take us seriously. And if someone truly respects us, explaining ourselves can build trust instead of take away from our strength.
Yet, how often do we forget and fall back into the folly of talking too much? Yet, it’s inevitably human.
But hey…trust me, it feels good not having to prove ourselves all the time. To speak eloquently when met with the pugnacious. Loud people argue and interrupt each other. Let them. We can earn respect by staying calm, acting with purpose, through discipline and mastering the art of timing. Real power pays attention - it sees what people miss while they argue and waits for the right moment to intervene. It uses silence as a tool - to gather information, for example in patient clerkship, so we can know how best to intervene, to build tension in negotiations, to let others reveal their motives. And when we do speak, we keep it short, clear, and to the point. And if people don't listen, especially those we care about, we hope they're able to land at rock bottom safely and navigate the darkness wisely — without enabling or trying to save them.
Many of us have said things we wish we could take back. We’ve given way too much information that has been used against us, we’ve talked too much in moments that called for empathy and presence, perhaps lost people’s respect in the process, or made things worse. We’ve spoken about our lofty dreams only to feel demotivated the next day - because we’ve just prematurely emptied the dopamine hit reserved for when we succeed. It doesn’t feel so great, right?
But now I hope next time you’ll remember it's wise to hold back our words until we trust someone or until we've thought through the consequences of our next words. We ought to speak only when it helps, builds goodwill, adds humor or comforts someone. We ought to use silence to learn more about someone, about the situation - to influence them positively and to give them room to get things out of their chest. And if we need to explain something, we ought do it clearly and confidently - without desperation or trying to justify ourselves to those bent on misunderstanding us.
In our friendships and relationships, it’s also good to employ this practice. We shouldn’t rush to fill every silence. The interim between conversations is quite enjoyable. We can wait before responding. We can ask how the other person is doing. We can mirror their words to show we’re present. And we can check ourselves: is what we’re about to say kind? Is my tone kind even if I’m telling the truth? Is it useful? Will it leave this person better? Will they laugh?
That’s the best and most effective way to use our power for language.
Previously,
Social Skills IV. Avoid These Conversation Mistakes
You'll learn which social mistakes are worth worrying about, and which ones actually make us more human.
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