CIX. Where to Find Confidence

A much needed checklist.

P.S: Most of you loved the previous entries on How To Deal With Toxic People & How To Negotiate.

---

Ground Swell by Edward Hopper

“The person who has practiced philosophy as a cure for the self becomes great of soul, filled with confidence, invincible - and greater as you draw near.” — Seneca

Sometimes life feels like its humiliating us. We try our best and still mess up. We speak with conviction, only to be made fun of in public, only to be ignored. We want to be there for people we care about, but we fall short. Like a dirty wound, there’s some pungent shame that creeps in when our results don’t match our vision. But confidence doesn’t come from always winning. The choice to show up again, to try again, to face our fear again - without abandoning ourselves, is where confidence reveals itself.

We build confidence by doing the work, learning beyond what's required so we can approach problems from different angles. Moreover, when we push ourselves every day, the fast feedback inoculates us from the inevitable poison of failure that has killed many dreams, by prompting us to create mental antidotes - until fuck-ups don’t paralyze us as much anymore. And slowly, we become more skilled, more competent. When we’re skilled, people count on us. We can help more. We can lead when needed. We stop waiting for help because we’ve learned how to help ourselves.

Confidence also comes from knowing what matters to us. A lot of people get distracted by what’s urgent - without a personal filter for what is so. Or they get sidetracked by whatever is popular. Others get trapped by ego and treat people like they’re lesser. But wisdom is focusing on what really counts. We don’t try to do everything. We work on one thing at a time, finish it or get really good at it. We treat people well. It may not bring instant glory. But over time, that focus hardens into power - a kind of self-respect and self-ownership that towers above mass hysteria. And that strength helps us feel proud and reassured that we'll survive and do well when trouble hatches.

We find confidence in facing the stuff we usually avoid. The hard conversations. The early workouts. The recap of our performance at the end of a long, interesting day. The blank page. When we stop running from these things, we start to feel stronger. We even get to prepare for adversity in advance, by cultivating habits that make it survivable, and even look forward to trouble. Being confident means there's an algorithm running in the background telling us it loves us unconditionally and we'll be ok even if the environment we find ourselves in is cut-throat.

We earn it by being reliable, married to the game - sayin our vows, til death do us part, loyal to our mission, loyal to those who count on us, and loyal to the lofty spirit within. However, the process is a bit boring. We do the work, keep our head low, our standards high, eat well, rest enough, stay healthy and keep going. That’s how we stay energetic and ready for the complexities awaiting us later on.

Confidence also comes from knowing that we don’t have to hold on to something desperately because we can just as easily always get another - our skills and leverage reflect the abundance in the world. Even when we’re stripped of comfort, connection, or status, it's nothing to us; those things don't matter to us. When our confidence is built on virtue - on courage, discipline, wisdom, and justice - I'm telling you it doesn’t shatter when the market crashes, when someone betrays us, or when life does as she feels like. With enough training, we stop clinging to what must happen and begin trusting in our capacity to reason, pivot, and persist.

Above all, confidence comes from doing the right thing. From giving ourselves grace without letting ourselves off the hook - for when we focus on doing our best, we at least get excited when we progress even if it feels like we're going uphill most of the time.

Meditate on that. And treat whatever doubts you get like a bad dream - shrug them off the way you do a nightmare the next morning.

---

Did you like this entry?

I always enjoy hearing from you, and for you to hear from each other.

Please leave a like (❤️), tell me what you think (💬) in the comment section and share this post with someone so that more people can discover and benefit from it.

Support The Stoic Manual and access 200+ premium in-depth essays: lessons & mini-courses in the art of living, consolations for difficult times, Relationship Mini-courses, The Wealth Playbook, Leadership Skills, Social Skills and Health Tools for a virile and distinguished life. Annual/Patron members get a free copy of my book, ‘THE TOOLS’ + over 40,000 words of bonus content and a free copy of ‘THE STOIC MANUAL VOL. 1’ dropping next year.

Join 69,050 other readers,