LXXXXI. A Warning Against Loss of Agency
Time will pass whether you like it or not. Do what you will. Do what you must. Fast.
“You could leave life right now, let that determine what you do and say and think.” — Marcus Aurelius
“There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that… though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor do know until he has tried." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Listen.
Time will pass whether you like it or not. You'll spend it whether you mean to or not. It'll move through you like a suture through skin, and if you're not alert, you'll look back at the grotesque entanglement and wonder who lived those years for you. The fleeting nature of time must wake you up to what you want to do with it.
When I'm on a plane and turbulence hits us, I often think of death. I ask myself, what if this is it? What if the pilot was on a bender last night? I get anxious for a bit and then regain my wits because of this simple train of thought. I tell myself, "It would suck, yeah…but it would be okay. I’ve lived on my own terms. I've schemed, overtly rebelled and burned bridges just to live as I saw fit. I’ve done what I always dreamed of doing—built cool stuff I believed in, followed my instincts, and lived the best way I know how. I know I haven’t achieved everything yet, but I’m proud of my trajectory; I've taken a good hit at my goals without fear. I've endured pain, embarrassment and discomfort without complaint. I've loved. I've helped many. I've earned my self-respect. And even with my faults, I forgive myself—because I never gave up the eternal struggle to live well. I have no regrets. And if this is my last act, my spirit bids me to go out with a smile."
As Marcus Aurelius said in the film Gladiator, “Death smiles at us all; all we can do is smile back.” I smile back. And Epictetus, long before that, reminded us, “I must die. Must I then die lamenting?… Does any man then hinder me from going with smiles and cheerfulness and contentment?” I smile in cheerfulness and contentment.
Now listen closer. Because this is the soul’s purest reverb. It hits you in the silence of a 4 a.m morning. Or back at your place after a long day’s work—before the internet anesthetizes you, before the tv rumbles on, before the warmth of someone who loves you pulls you under.
It's a truth 50 Cent reflects on when speaking of his near-death experience and what it meant for him,
"People talk about my getting shot like it represented something special. They act like they're not facing the same thing. But someday, everybody has to face a bullet with their name on it… When I nearly died, it made me think—this can happen again any second. I'd better hurry and do what I want. I started to live like I never lived before."
The existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre said there are two ways to live:
One—as everyone else does. The other—as a friend to yourself. Someone who sees you for who you are, accepts and loves you, listens to what you like, what excites you, what breaks you, what you long for, and then chooses to build a life that fits that design. Your special design.
You must choose goals that are yours. Cut from the puppet strings of what society expects. From what your parents wish for you. From the gravity of your lower self. You must do whatever you want to do, even if it pisses people off—so long as it doesn't hurt them and doesn't offend the gods and their work. Live a life that makes you okay with missing out. Yes, you'll miss nights out. You'll sometimes work through holidays. You'll skip the usual life milestones. But your life will be so interesting to you, you won't mind. Because it's yours. And you're building something with it. Again, 50 Cent distills a crucial truth we feel but are afraid to confess to ourselves even after years of disappointment, being taken advantage of and oppression by the powers that be,
“I was born alone and I will die alone. I've got to do what's right for me and not live my life the way anybody else wants it."
So, if it doesn't hurt people. If it doesn't block others from reaching their happiness—just do it. Phil Knight it.
Think about the kind of life you'd build if you trusted your own inclinations. Your interests. Your natural talents. The things you dislike. The values that matter to you. The relationships that sustain you.
Think about the kind of work that lets you serve others—because that's what gives us leverage and power. It helps us live freely. It gives us a reason to train, to improve, to be useful, to create. It gives us the satisfaction of relieving suffering, of trying great feats, of controlling outcomes in one special area of life. Our special area of life. It allows us to take care of our family. It gives our lives meaning—because, as we’ve said before, we were built for strife and difficulty, and it's through that tension that we get closer to what it means to be truly human. That's where we get a lasting sense of joy and peace.
Think about what makes you different. And don't downplay like it's just some abstract concept you can't afford to indulge. Maybe it's how you approach the world. Maybe it's a strange instinct no one understands but feels right to you—and leaves good effects in its wake. I want you to listen to its cry, and pay heed to the sadness that comes from ignoring it. Then pledge to nurture it. Protect it. Rebel against any force that tries to suppress it, even if it comes from the people you love. Seneca cautioned his friend to be very careful of his loved ones, because although they wish us well, it’s not what we need to get peace and a great happiness—this cannot happen without many and grave dangers requiring us to exercise virtue.
It doesn't have to be a grand ambition, dear reader. You can conquer your current domain like Napoleon. Or you can be a great artist. A great surfer. A great marketer. A great parent. So long as it fits the vision you have of your world, and you're stubborn enough to pay the irrational price to persist in it. That's why some people sacrifice time, comfort, relationships and riches for a path that looks absurd to others. But it makes sense to them. Because it brings them out of survival mode. Because in it, they forget self-preservation. And that's where their joy—and their salvation—lives.
But choices have consequences. Whatever you choose, you must carry its burden. You must pay its tax. It's the price for your soul's health, expansion and refinement. As Seneca told his friend, I tell you,
"All the things which cause complaint or dread are like the taxes of life—things from which, my dear Lucilius, you should never hope for exemption or seek escape."
Did you like this entry? I’d love to read your thoughts on this matter.
How do you think of death in relation to your freedom, how you work and what you work on?
I always enjoy hearing from you, and for you to hear from each other.
Please leave a like (❤️), tell me what you think (💬) in the comment section and share this post with someone so that more people can discover and benefit from it.
Support The Stoic Manual and access 170+ premium in-depth essays: lessons & mini-courses in the art of living, consolations for difficult times, relationship mini-courses, leadership skills, social skills and health tools for a virile and distinguished life. Plus Annual/Patron members get a free copy of my book, ‘THE TOOLS’ + over 40,000 words of bonus content.
Previously,
Ah yes. The grim monks of this order often remind the young ones: the skull cup is always at your table, so drink your tea while the hand is still warm.
Time waits for no enlightenment, and no one else will live your life for you, no matter how many polite scripts or safe milestones are offered.
So yes, dear traveler, live stubbornly, wildly, wisely. And when Death smiles, smile back with a mouth still tasting the life you chose.
Virgin Monk Boy
Great content and wonderfully written. Words to revisit often; thank you!