My friend had spent years studying for a career, only to get into the dregs of practice and realize this wasn’t what he wanted. The hours didn’t allow much time for himself, and the prospect of spending the rest of his life that way made him consider other paths. But he’d invested a lot in his education and newly found career, and leaving meant giving up consistent income before he knew what would replace it.

So he stayed, while his reasons to leave grew.

A lot of people find themselves here. Some have outgrown their profession and are seeking something more fulfilling. Others are drawn toward an opportunity they can’t ignore, and staying in their current field comes with a financial compromise or a quality of life they can no longer accept.

We’ve been lied to. Careers aren’t everything. You don’t have to stick to something just because you’ve invested in it for a long time. It’s wise to take what you can from the experience and remember there are many other paths open to you.

Of course, there’s the trap of spontaneous but stupid action that might ruin your life. The point is to approach these other paths rationally, giving yourself enough time to discover what interests you, get better at it, and make a transition you can sustain.

take what you can from the experience

One reason changing careers feels like starting from zero is that we’ve learnt to describe what we can do through the profession and context in which we learned it. We become so accustomed to being a doctor, teacher, or accountant that it becomes difficult to imagine where else our abilities could be useful.

Medicine has helped me in terms of resilience, organisation, communication, and being able to consume, memorise, and recall a huge amount of information. Being a doctor comes with a lot of pressure, and going through the process changes your body and mind in how you handle the workload. It’s almost like military training. Vivere est militare, to live is to fight, I used to tell myself.

Coming into writing, I could put those abilities to work. The conscientiousness that makes you pay attention to little details in the hospital also helps you make an essay valuable, thoughtful, and entertaining. Explaining something complicated to a patient teaches you to make an idea digestible enough for someone lay to use. Keeping track of what has been done and what hasn’t at the hospital becomes useful when you have multiple projects, a business, and the rest of your life to take care of.

The hospital has also given me experiences through which I can stress-test the ideas the Stoics gave us. Those years give me something to write about and a way to judge whether the advice I’m giving holds up when practicing it becomes difficult.

Think about what your own work has required you to become good at. Perhaps you’ve learned to deal with difficult people, make decisions with incomplete information, explain things, sell, or keep a complicated operation running. You may take those abilities for granted because everyone around you is expected to have them. But in another setting, they could be a considerable advantage.

You won’t know every possible use beforehand. Some of mine only became apparent after I started writing. And that’s another reason to explore while you still have room to learn- you begin to see which parts of your experience help, and what you still have to develop.

I want you to know that you’ve invested years in developing yourself- not your career. And you’re allowed to put that investment to another use.

you can’t learn what you think you’re too fancy to know

I started taking writing seriously when I was looking for a side gig to supplement my income. I’d seen and heard of people earning a good amount from the internet, and I got interested in doing the same for myself.

It wasn’t easy breaking into the industry. Getting clients was hard, and the pay was little, though motivating because I’d earned this small amount just from writing, which seemed crazy cool to me. But the way I wrote was poor, so I had to take classes from journalists and editors to make my work better.

Other than the stability I thought it might provide, I was interested in the craft itself. I wanted to write beautifully, to make such profound sense that an idea would latch on to a reader’s mind, because I’d read a ton, had a great admiration for some writers, and wanted my work to bear the same cool signature.

This is how I got into other life-changing ideas, such as owning my work 100% and building an audience to get my 1000 true fans, whom I believed I could then live off. I saw the prospect of financial and time freedom, which propelled me further into doing my best work and doubling down as a writer.

But boy was I in for a shock. Medical school doesn’t teach you the art of marketing, building an audience, branding, launching a product, or writing. I had to learn all of that, and what helped me pull through was the interest to write and, more particularly, build a strong business around it that could help me make a living, keep writing.

Yes, some of the shit was hard. But interest and obsession can carry you through a great deal, particularly if you desire your work to do well. You also have to be the one to direct yourself because you’re responsible for what happens next. I had to learn to always take the initiative.

Humility helps because you might think something is easy until you do it and realize how hard things actually are. You can’t learn what you think you’re too fancy to know.

The powerful idea of turning obstacles into advantages also came in handy, because every problem I came across was an opportunity for me to learn. Sometimes I almost wished for things to go wrong just so I could learn from them and turn them to my advantage. That’s how even failure became a blessing to me.

give yourself the chance to discover

Initially, I saw myself as pursuing two vocations. But after some good results, I started seeing writing as preparation for a transition.

It’s through the intersection of writing as a creative act I can’t do without, writing as a chance to fine-tune my mindset, think critically, communicate, and discover myself, writing as a means of financial and time freedom, and writing as a craft, that I’m able to enjoy it so much. Each part gives me another reason to keep going.

That took time to discover. “Passion” is a loose, misleading term when it makes you expect to know beforehand what will hold your interest. This transition has to be something you’ve reasoned out through trying things and having them click enough to spark an obsession.

Some people want to pivot but don’t have an interest or inclination toward anything else. So they stay where they are. It’s not necessarily that they’re prohibited from exploring; sometimes they don’t want to go through the effort of discovery, and whatever time they get they want to use for rest and having fun. That’s understandable, especially when the work is exhausting, but eventually the possibility of another life needs some of your attention too.

A period of exploring is necessary, and it has to be guided while leaving enough room for discovery. We can find something useful or fun in some aspect of our current work, but that doesn’t mean we should stick with it when there’s a better option. It also doesn’t give us licence to wander around aimlessly, expecting magic.

I didn’t know enough about the career I’d studied for until I got into practice. That’s why it’s important to get into the crux and day-to-day of whatever you’re considering, so you can get an accurate measure of the life you’re choosing.

For me, the frustration included always answering to someone. I wanted more freedom to do things at my own leisure and explore the curiosities that interested me. I wanted ownership of my time and effort, and I was willing to learn what building that would require. You have to do what you gotta do.

decide to live your life

People find it difficult to leave for different reasons. Some feel they’ve invested too much in their education. Others are attached to professional status. Yes, some things are cool, but I’d rather be wealthy, free, and happy than be well known and respected while struggling with a life I don’t want.

Others are chained to family expectations and the plan their parents have for them. And even though your guardians may have the best intentions, it doesn’t mean you want the thing chosen for you just because you have the ability.

It may take some stubbornness and convincing. It may also take disappointing your parents earlier than you’d like. But it’s your life, and you’re the one who’ll have to live with the daily consequences of the decision. Do or don’t you’ll regret it.

Some love the security of a consistent income. That security is useful, and it can help you build what comes next. But nothing is so certain that we can depend on it for all eternity. Employers make decisions we can’t control and circumstances change.

The Stoics tell us to consider how much weight we’re giving a title, other people’s approval, and the fear of looking foolish while we learn. And in the end, our mortality gives these expectations their proper scale. We have a limited amount of time to do work we care about, sustain ourselves, and give expression to what we want from our lives.

give the work enough of yourself

What matters most from the outset is discipline, effort, and time. This might mean missing some social events for a period or reducing them to a cadence that allows you to get your thing off the ground. It might mean living below your means while building a cushion, so that when you break off, you have room to find your footing.

Working within constraints of money and time can build the discipline, frugality, work ethic, and creativity you’ll need in the next stage. You’re also developing the character that will have to sustain the work after the excitement of beginning has passed.

I’d carve out regular time to explore these other paths. Where it’s possible, two hours a day gives an interest enough attention to begin showing you progress. Establishing a routine creates opportunities for discoveries and gives you evidence about whether you should to continue.

If you can find a job that maintains your sustenance while giving you more time to work on your thing, that may serve you better than a high-paying job with little room for manoeuvrability. You also have to leave enough room to recover. Burning yourself out in the middle of the transition makes the whole undertaking harder to sustain.

This grind might take three to five years. But if there’s a chance to build a thriving business and a life you’d prefer, that time deserves to be weighed against the possibility of living lesser than ideal and regretting what could have been.

Haruki Murakami still had considerable debt when he asked his wife for two years to write. He’d been running his bar and had already published work, but he’d come to see himself as someone who needed to commit fully to a project and find out where that effort could lead.

In What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, he explains that he could accept failure. But he couldn’t bear it if he had done the work halfheartedly. He told his wife they could open another little bar if writing didn’t work out. She agreed, and that’s how he committed himself.

For someone building a business alongside employment, consistent income that competes with their salary can be a sign to pour more time into it.

a hell of your choosing

This won’t magically solve your life issues. Everything you decide to go after will be hard, and you’ll have to settle on a hell you’re comfortable with. Building something of your own brings responsibilities you may have never considered while wishing for freedom.

But it’ll be your nice little hell. A hell of your choosing.

There’s value in being courageous enough to take seriously those 3 a.m. revelations about the life you want, then putting them through the work required to find out whether they can come true, bear fruit. You can honour the craft, improve it, and seize opportunities to showcase it. You can keep learning until things begin to make sense and you’re making progress.

You don’t have to stick to something just because you’ve invested in it for a long time, . Take what you can from the experience. If you haven’t found another path, have the courage to explore until you find something worth pursuing, then spend a good amount of time getting better and learning what you have to.

Give yourself the chance to find out what you can make of it.

‘Til next time. Have a good day ahead!

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Donate

If you already donate or subscribe, I appreciate you more than you know. You help us make practical philosophy available to people who need it, including those who can’t afford a paid subscription.

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Antonius Veritas, M.D

The wagon lurched to a stop. It had been a rainy day and the wheel had sunk deep into the muddy road such that the horses could no longer pull it.

The farmer climbed down, furious at his luck.

He called on Hercules for help.

The god appeared and told him, “Do you think you can move the wagon by simply looking at it and whining about it? Hercules will not help unless you make some effort to help yourself.”

He had to put his shoulder to the wheel and urge the horses forward. That’s how he got out of the predicament.

See, we can understand the need to make an effort from Aesop’s fables,

But it’s also discouraging when we have put our shoulder to the wheel and it still won’t move. Someone may be depending on us. We may have prepared carefully and done everything we could. Uncertainty brings a lot of anxiety.

That’s why I want us to figure out a better way to approach our work and ambitions. How do we give people and responsibilities our full care while accepting that the result remains partly beyond us?

Keep one such situation in mind as you work through today’s questions.

October 28, 2026 — On caring deeply without demanding control

Epictetus, Discourses 2.5

The material of life is neither morally good nor bad in itself; how we handle it is our responsibility. In a ball game, the ball is just a ball. The skill lies in how players catch, pass and coordinate under changing conditions. So too in life: health, work, wealth and even other people are material for the exercise of judgment. Care about your performance and the people involved, while remembering that the ultimate result also depends upon circumstances beyond your command.

Socratic Questions for self-examination

1. Does separating moral excellence from outcomes work when…

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   Btw I write about practical Stoic essays, social & relationship skills, science-backed health tools, and more. Some of it is free, some isn’t. Upgrade and receive my book bonuses at no extra cost.

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I graduated from medical school knowing I couldn’t go back and give those years a fuller social life. Most of my time had been confined to business and my studies, and although I’d committed myself to the future I wanted, I wished I’d spent more of it with people.

At the same time, I was grateful to myself. Based on my circumstances, I had needed to get the most out of those years, and the results became evident later- a smoother transition into working life, some success, and something to account for the days I’d spent with my head down. Some of my classmates had a blast. They did cool things, made memories, and gained something useful from their experiences. Others struggled with the consequences of giving too little thought to their future- there was pain and regret abundant at either extreme.

Still, I could have done a better job of connecting with people. My life didn’t need to become an all-or-nothing scenario. People admired my discipline, and I let that admiration feed the belief that I was superior to them. That brought friction and a condescending air into relationships I should have approached with more tolerance.

I had good reasons to work hard. But some of the distance I put between myself and others was unnecessary.

Eventually, they stop inviting you

It’s easy to understand how this happens. You have to protect your...

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Over the course of my life, I’ve had to reconsider several things I believed about myself. Some of these defective beliefs came from home, school, and the people around me. Others grew out of experiences I interpreted too narrowly. They influenced what I thought I could learn, how much difficulty I could handle, and what I expected from people.

I’ve gotten to change these beliefs over time, through reading, practice, relationships, and throwing myself into canonical events. While sometimes I had to act on a more generous idea of myself before I had much evidence for it. Then, through showing up and getting better, I began to believe I could do the things I had wished I could do.

That gradually made my life bolder, more enjoyable, and open to possibilities I had once found intimidating.

Belief 1. “I’m smart enough to get this on the first try.”

I used to get frustrated and disappointed when I didn’t understand something immediately. I would dismiss it, decide I wasn’t suited to it, or feel too embarrassed to continue.

This limited the scope of my involvement in life and the number of cool skills I could acquire. Every unfamiliar activity came with the possibility of discovering I was terrible at it, and I took that discovery far too seriously that sometimes I never tried at all.

Then I’d watch someone who seemed like a natural and feel envious. How did they make it look so easy?

When I started looking into how people became as good as I saw them, I began to appreciate the unseen hard work. There were years of consistent practice behind abilities I had expected myself to demonstrate immediately. My impatience had made the learning process feel humiliating. I was clearly not being a good friend to myself.

Learning to swim as an adult exposed this belief.

I used to panic in the water. Watching other people float around and enjoy themselves was impressive, but I couldn’t imagine myself feeling that comfortable.

I wanted to have that experience too, so I started taking lessons.

At first, there was plenty to struggle with. But I kept practicing. And after about seven lessons, I found myself holding my breath for longer and moving through the water casually, doing something that had frightened me, and I was in so much awe of myself that I could hardly believe it.

I’d been missing out on this.

This brought to mind an idea from Marcus Aurelius where he reminded himself that the left hand, awkward at many tasks, could hold the reins more firmly than the right because it had practised doing so. There was an ability hidden inside something he could easily have dismissed as inept.

Nowadays, I approach unfamiliar things knowing I’ll probably suck for a bit. But if I focus, desire to do my best, accept correction, and keep showing up, I give myself a chance to become good.

I may never run like Eliud Kipchoge or swim like Michael Phelps. But I can still become a better runner, a better swimmer and enjoy such enlivening experiences. Besides, there’s so much pleasure in the act of doing before we become exceptional.

Belief 2. “Emotions mean everything”

Of course, accepting that something takes practice leaves us with the responsibility of actually practising.

I used to show up depending on how I felt. When I was excited, I would do everything dedicated to my goal. If I felt even a bit off, I could come up with all kinds of excuses to make sure I didn’t do the thing.

I then became inconsistent and somewhat anxious where I knew what I wanted to accomplish, but I kept breaking the agreements I made with myself. Each abandoned intention gave me another reason to doubt whether I could follow through. My self esteem was in the gutters.

Putting myself through difficult experiences helped me discover how much choice I still had available within an uncomfortable state of mind. I could feel reluctant, overwhelmed, or afraid and still decide how to respond- do the thing. Sometimes my feelings got better once I got going. Other times I had to carry them through the work. But I knew they weren’t the final say.

One night at the hospital, the emergencies kept coming, and I was the doctor on call.

I was exhausted. Every possibility of getting some rest disappeared with another patient who needed my attention. And as the work accumulated, I began to worry that I couldn’t handle everything the night was asking of me.

I told myself I wouldn’t complain. Then I told myself I would handle one thing at a time.

That’s what I did until morning came.

What surprised me was how gracefully I could carry a heavy workload. Giving my attention to the patient, the priority problem in front of me- made the shift manageable. And as I continued, my confidence grew. I could do this. I was already doing it.

This seems easy until you’re fighting against a mind that feels like it’s your enemy.

A bleak feeling can make an ordinary commitment seem torturous. We start imagining how long the discomfort will last, how much effort everything still requires, and whether life will always feel like an uphill struggle. Soon, we’re trying to endure the next several years inside one difficult afternoon.

I still catch myself doing this. What helps is returning to the thing right here, right now. Following through builds trust in myself. I learn that I can experience resistance and still move ahead.

Feelings still deserve attention. Exhaustion, grief, and pain can tell us something we need to address. But I had been treating ordinary reluctance and normal feelings as sufficient grounds to abandon things I wanted. Giving my emotions less authority made room for a more expansive life.

Belief 3. “The way I talk to myself doesn’t matter.”

Part of learning to keep going involved paying attention to…

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A crow was about to die of thirst when he found a pitcher of water. He pushed his beak inside, trying to drink, but the water was too low and the neck too narrow. He kept trying until, exhausted, he gave up.

Then a thought came to him.

He picked up a pebble and dropped it into the pitcher. Then he did so with another. Alas! The water began to rise. He kept adding pebbles until, finally, he reached it and drunk.

That’s Aesop’s fable The Crow and the Pitcher. In a few sentences, we’ve followed desperation, the prospect of relief, disappointment, and a solution. We get the visceral feeling that each development is essential because the crow’s life hinges on it.

I admire people who can do this. My girlfriend is one of the best storytellers I know. She can make any boring experience quite interesting, leaving you in awe and surprise at the juiciness of what just happened. She keeps me captivated through and through, and that’s something I admire and envy about her.

The infuriating thing is that she’s a natural. She has never taken a storytelling class. And neither does she write.

She tells me stories of how she used to get in trouble in high-school because everyone wanted to hear her crazy stories- didn’t matter if they were fabricated or true. I get it. Being around someone who tells stories well makes life more fun and riveting. Any ordinary evening becomes memorable, and you leave feeling you know each other better.

unleash the drama

What pulls me into a story is when someone starts with something dramatic.

I’m not a big fan of slow build-ups. Stakes, surprises, and uncertainty give me the most visceral effect. It also helps to have a little background information, especially when it helps me understand what someone stands to lose or gives me a peak into their psyche.

Sometimes the background isn’t important. Aesop gives us what we need almost immediately. The crow is thirsty, the water is beyond its reach, and its first attempts to drink it fail. The obstacles it faces determine what happens next. And we have just enough information to follow the plot without knowing where it hatched or what it did that morning.

That’s the structure I like to return to when telling a story. I take a character through a series of ups and downs. They encounter obstacles, feel like they’re winning through a certain solution, then it doesn’t work or another problem arises. They feel bad. Then they try to resolve the problem using another solution, on and on until they get a breakthrough.

Each attempt changes the situation. We begin to hope with them, and we also descend into their disappointment when it doesn’t work.

People often fall into the trap of lacking structure. They say whatever comes into their minds in a haphazard way, which leaves everyone confused, wondering what the story is even about. The listener has to work out which details matter while trying to remember them all.

A good storyteller makes that work easier. We know what someone wants, what’s getting in their way, and why they’ve decided to do something about it. Even a small social predicament becomes interesting when we understand what it means to the person experiencing it.

don’t forget the details

Now that you understand the importance of drama first, the next details deserving your attention are a character’s response to an event- their thoughts, emotions, body language, and finally their actions as they try to rectify the situation.

In Dostoyevsky’s White Nights, a young man sees the love of his life run into another man while he’s holding her hand.

Her hand trembles in his, and she presses closer to him. His heart begins to race. He asks who it is.

It’s the man she has been waiting for.

Only moments before, they had been imagining a future together. They were laughing, talking about where they would live, making the plans you do when you both want each other forever. Finally, for a young man who had spent so much of his life alone, there was now somewhere beautiful for all that longing to go.

Now he could barely stand.

The other man calls her name. Nastenka cries out and rushes into his arms. The narrator stays where he is, watching the future they had just imagined vanish into thin air.

Then she comes back.

And before he can even process what’s happening, she puts her arms around his neck and gives him a warm, tender kiss. She looks him in the eye and says nothing. A moment later, she returns to the other man, takes his hand, and leaves with him.

The narrator watches this until they disappear.

That final kiss makes the scene feel painful. There’s affection in it, enough for us to understand why he had hoped. She cares about him but she still leaves. We can feel how difficult it would be to make sense of it while it was happening.

That’s why I admire Dostoyevsky. He paints people as they are, with an understanding of human nature which makes his characters relatable. Through the depth of his description, we’re able to see and appreciate them as people.

You know what it feels like to want someone’s attention while trying to appear indifferent. You’ve felt your confidence dwindle halfway through a sentence. You’ve made a situation worse because admitting a mistake seemed unbearable. A character’s responses makes the story realer and you give your reader or listener a chance to empathize.

I once wrote about how I met and loved someone at university. It seemed ordinary to me. Boy meets girl, and the rest is history. But I included the pressure I was under, my hesitation, my desire, and how being with her changed what mattered to me. The story spread across school. People remembered me for it and wanted a part two.

That was so much attention. It was crazy.

It’s good to reveal enough for someone to relate or feel something. Our embarrassment, fear, mistakes, and less admirable motives can explain the decisions that follow. But if we remove them all, people may struggle to understand why the experience mattered.

That said, irrelevant details can become extraneous and tiring, however intimate they are. It’s wise to stick to the plot.

you must be enthusiastic about your story

All this becomes even better when the person giving the story is energetic and animated, willing to share the nitty-gritties.

An expression can show us how offended someone was. A sudden pause can give us time to anticipate the answer. The way you repeat what someone said can help us understand why you found it so funny or infuriating.

We get to experience a little of what it was like to be there.

This requires a willingness to look foolish. Sometimes the best part is the confidence with which you made a terrible decision, or the elaborate explanation you offered when everyone already knew you were lying. Trying to preserve too much dignity can deprive your friends of a very good evening.

Remember the enjoyment is shared. You’re paying attention to their reactions, giving an interesting moment room to grow, and noticing when they’re ready for you to move on. Their curiosity becomes part of the pleasure of telling it.

sometimes let people learn something

Robert Greene, the author of The 48 Laws of Power, appends stories in his books which are so good that even if you forget the lesson, you remember the story. It can go on to influence and entertain you later, especially when you need it most.

That’s a powerful ability. We can pass on moral lessons to our children, give cautionary tales to family members, and help friends consider a decision without making the conversation feel like a lecture. Even a moral becomes more palatable if the story was entertaining from the outset.

A story also gives us someone’s judgment to examine. We see what they feared, what they wanted, and what they did in response. Their choices give us a way to consider our own.

Yet people sabotage themselves by deciding either they’re naturals at story-telling or not. They don’t like practicing, so they rarely give themselves a chance to improve.

So the next time something surprises, embarrasses, or delights you, remember how it unfolded and what went through your mind. There may be someone at dinner who would love to hear it.

For more on social skills, click here.

‘Til next time. Have a good week ahead!

P.S: If we’ve helped or touched you in a way, consider upgrading to a paid subscription. Or support our free essays, writing and research with a one-time donation of your choosing by clicking the button below. Be part of our great cause.

Donate

If you already donate or subscribe, I appreciate you more than you know. You help us make practical philosophy available to people who need it, including those who can’t afford a paid subscription.

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Antonius Veritas, M.D

The moment I feel threatened by someone in a group I’m leading, I want to prove that I’m the leader. I become more conscious of my voice, how firmly I make a point, and if people are giving me enough notice. Someone else might begin to draw attention in the room, and suddenly I feel I have a position to defend.

My brain has a reasonable explanation for this. I’ve seen loud, aggressive people get results, especially those whose physical presence makes challenging them uncomfortable. I can be assertive, declarative, and project my voice to get a similar effect but trying to maintain that presence makes me self-conscious. I start thinking I’m an imposter.

An orthopedic surgeon who mentors me gave me another way to approach this.

He would...

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Most people say adulthood is a scam. I get why. You thought you’d be freer but there’s always work to do, money is never enough, you got people to care for, relationships to maintain, and a growing list of errands that never seems to end.

So we work harder, sacrifice our pleasures, neglect our health, and promise ourselves that we’ll enjoy life when things become easier.

But the funny thing is, the very activities we sacrifice are often the ones that give us the energy to handle everything else.

We forget that the whole point of earning a living is to have a life worth living.

Life is inherently hard. We can’t do much about that. But we can decide how we’ll respond to its demands, how we’ll organize our days, and what kind of people we’ll become in the process. There’s a way of living that makes even difficult periods feel worthwhile, where our work, relationships, health, and pleasures support one another.

These ten habits can help us get there.

1. give your days some structure

Seneca observed that people will defend their property fiercely, yet allow others to take up their time without much resistance. They’ll spend hours attending to matters that don’t concern them, fulfilling obligations they never wanted, or following whatever happens to demand their attention.

Then, at the end of the day, they’ll complain that life is too short. That the day is too short.

The problem, Seneca argued in On the Shortness of Life, is often how we use the time available to us.

I’ve found that having a schedule and a running to-do list makes life much easier to manage. When you plan what you want to accomplish within a given day, you have something to follow through on, and something against which you can measure your progress.

You can also look back over a week or month and see where your time went. What was useful? What took longer than necessary? What kept you from doing the things you wanted?

This prevents our days from becoming a series of reactions where we wake up, answer messages, attend to other people’s priorities, and suddenly it’s evening. It’s not wise to live like that.

Of course, life will interrupt our plans. Some days will turn out nothing like we expected. But having a plan gives us somewhere to return when that happens.

And there’s another advantage. Once we make room for exercise, reading, friends, and rest in our schedules, we no longer have to depend on having time left over after everything else is done.

We can begin giving these parts of life the attention they deserve.

2. cultivate a strong body

In my first year of medical school, I was having trouble enduring the long hours of concentration that studying demanded.

There was always more to read, another presentation to give, another examination to prepare for. And I knew that if I couldn’t sustain my attention, the years ahead would become increasingly difficult.

I’d read somewhere that exercise could help improve attention through its effects on the brain, so I decided to give it a try.

What surprised me was how much else began to change.

As my physical endurance improved, I could study for longer periods. Exercise taught me to delay gratification, manage my time, and begin my reading early enough for the knowledge to accumulate over the academic year. And by the time clinical examinations came around, these small advantages had become useful.

I still find that a combination of strength training and running at least three times a week makes an enormous difference in how I feel, think, and work.

And the principle extends beyond exercise.

When you become accustomed to running, walking feels easier. When you learn to run faster, the pace that once exhausted you becomes more manageable. When you practice reading difficult books, less demanding material becomes easier to understand. This discipline seeps everywhere.

The Stoic Cato the Younger deliberately exposed himself to physical hardship. Plutarch describes him walking in difficult weather and training his body to endure discomfort. He understood that the ability to bear hardship could be developed through practice.

We needn’t imitate all his extremes. But I want you to know there’s infinite value in making ourselves more capable than our ordinary circumstances require.

Then, when life becomes demanding, we have something in reserve.

And we ought to support this training with nourishing food, adequate sleep, and proper recovery. Because a body that we neglect will eventually begin to limit what we can accomplish. Or give us more problems than we’d like.

3. read good books

For a long time, I had a love-hate relationship with books.

School hadn’t helped. Reading and writing were usually things we did to earn a grade, please a teacher, or complete an assignment. There was little room for self-discovery or the pleasure of expressing one’s creativity.

So I didn’t always appreciate what books could offer.

That changed when I experienced a personal failure and found myself lost. I could have spent my time brooding over what had happened, but I wanted to find another way to think and live. I began reading in search of something that could help me understand my circumstances and what I ought to do next.

And I found much more than I expected.

Reading introduced me to people who had endured difficulties greater than mine, pursued ambitious goals, made terrible mistakes, and discovered ways of living that I hadn’t considered.

Some of their ideas were immediately useful. Others took years to understand.

I’ve since found that whenever I go deep into something worth studying, I almost always come away with ideas that improve my life, work, health, or relationships.

This is why I willingly invest time and money in good books, courses, and other resources. The return can be enormous, particularly because knowledge compounds. What you learn today helps you recognize and understand things that would have escaped you yesterday.

But the greatest pleasure is discovering that we can continue to grow throughout our lives.

We needn’t remain the people our circumstances, education, or earlier mistakes made us.

And sometimes a single good book or article introduces a possibility we never knew existed.

4. stop resisting what happens

One of the things that made life unnecessarily difficult for me was resisting change.

When something went wrong, or I found myself under pressure, I sometimes spent more energy wishing the circumstances were different than dealing with what was in front of me.

And naturally, this made difficult situations feel even worse.

Over time, I began developing a different attitude. Whenever I encountered something demanding, I would remind myself that the experience could be good for me. It could make me stronger, faster, smarter, or better equipped to handle something else in the future.

That didn’t mean I enjoyed every difficult moment. But it gave me a reason to lean into the work rather than avoid it.

Some of the toughest periods of my life have consequently led to transformations that turned out better than I could have imagined.

Epictetus offers a related lesson in the Enchiridion- we ought to learn to work with events as they happen rather than continually demanding that they conform to our wishes.

This doesn’t mean we should tolerate every injustice or abandon our ambitions.

It means recognizing that once something has happened, no amount of complaining can undo it. In fact, whining just makes things harder. We still have to decide what comes next.

And that decision is often what determines whether a difficult experience becomes another source of suffering or an opportunity to improve our circumstances. An opportunity to learn.

We can lose days, months, and sometimes years wishing life had taken another course.

Imagine what we could accomplish if we devoted even half that energy to making something useful out of the life we have, however unseemly it might be.

5. deal with problems while they’re still small

Few things exhaust us as much as the responsibilities we keep putting off.

A difficult conversation we know we need to have. A financial problem we don’t want to examine. An unfinished assignment. A medical concern we hope will resolve on its own.

We avoid these things because attending to them feels unpleasant. Yet the problem remains, and often becomes more demanding with time.

A misunderstanding turns into resentment. A neglected bill becomes a larger expense. Work that might have taken an afternoon now requires an entire weekend.

And even when we’re doing something else, we know the problem is waiting for us.

I’ve found it useful to approach even the areas of life that don’t interest me with the same seriousness I give to those I enjoy.

The idea that helped me was simple- how I do one thing is how I do everything.

Not because every task deserves equal attention, but because the way we repeatedly respond to responsibility gradually becomes our character.

If we avoid things because they’re boring or uncomfortable, we train ourselves to retreat whenever life becomes demanding.

On the other hand, when we learn to follow through, especially when we don’t feel like it, many ordinary difficulties become easier to manage and we benefit more for it.

This applies to relationships as well. It’s usually better to have an uncomfortable conversation while both people are still willing to listen than to wait until resentment has made kindness difficult.

We will never reach a point where every responsibility is pleasant.

But we can become the sort of person who no longer needs everything to be pleasant before taking action.

6. learn to disappoint people

As we grow older, people begin expecting more from us.

They want our time, attention, agreement, assistance, and sometimes our participation in matters that have little to do with the life we’re trying to build.

Some of these demands are reasonable. We have responsibilities to our families, friends, colleagues, and communities.

But we can easily end up taking responsibility for things that were never ours to manage.

We say yes because we don’t want to offend someone. We become involved in disagreements that don’t concern us. We try to change people who have shown little interest in changing themselves.

And because our time is limited, every unnecessary commitment takes something away from the responsibilities, experiences and relationships that matter more.

Epictetus reminds us that other people’s judgments, desires, and decisions ultimately belong to them.

We can advise someone, tell them the truth, offer assistance, and make our concerns known. But we can’t live their lives for them.

Nor can we arrange our own lives so that nobody will ever be disappointed with us.

There will be times when a friend wants more of our company than we can give, when a colleague asks for help we cannot provide, or when someone we love disagrees with a decision we’ve made.

We ought to treat them with kindness and fairness.

But kindness doesn’t require us to abandon our own responsibilities, and love doesn’t give us authority over another person’s choices.

Once we accept this, our relationships can become much more enjoyable. We can give people our attention willingly, without allowing obligation and resentment to consume the pleasure of knowing them.

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7. make time for the people you love

One of the peculiar things about adulthood is that we can become so occupied with providing for the people we love that we have little time left to enjoy their company.

We tell ourselves we’re building a better future for our families. So we work longer hours, take on more responsibilities, and postpone the gatherings we used to look forward to.

But what exactly are we working toward if we have nobody with whom to enjoy the life we’re building?

I’ve found that setting aside time to party with friends, have cookouts, go on hikes, and simply spend time together outside work makes life considerably better.

We are social beings. We need friendship, affection, laughter, and the pleasure of belonging somewhere.

Aristotle went so far as to argue that no one would choose to possess every other good in life without friends to share it with.

And there’s something equally beautiful about having someone you love waiting for you at home.

Someone whose company makes ordinary evenings enjoyable, with whom you can build a life, share your ambitions, and face the difficult periods that inevitably come.

Because there will be moments when life feels overwhelming. There will also be moments when everything seems to be going wonderfully, and you’ll wish there was someone beside you to celebrate and indulge in what you’ve accomplished.

Of course, good relationships require attention. We have to make time for people, keep our promises, show up when they need us, and sometimes sacrifice our convenience for their happiness- for their big moments.

But these obligations can become among the most pleasurable parts of life.

They give our efforts meaning beyond ourselves.

8. learn to enjoy your own company

Yes, our relationships matter, but we also need to become comfortable spending time alone.

It’s exhausting to continually need entertainment, conversation, or some other form of stimulation to feel at ease.

We finish work and immediately reach for our phones. We sit down to rest and begin looking for something to watch. Even a few minutes without an activity makes us restless.

Eventually, we become so accustomed to being occupied that we forget how to enjoy our own company.

Meditation has been particularly useful to me in this regard.

I’ve found that after spending some time with my own thoughts, I usually feel happier, more appreciative of life, and better able to concentrate on whatever I want to accomplish next.

It also gives me the opportunity to examine how I’ve been living.

Am I spending my time on things that matter? Have I been reacting poorly to something? Is there an unresolved issue I need to address? Have I become so occupied with what I want next that I’ve stopped appreciating what I already have?

The Stoics placed enormous importance on this kind of examination.

Marcus Aurelius wrote much of what we now know as his Meditations as reflections addressed to himself. Even while governing an empire, he returned to questions about his judgments, responsibilities, conduct, and the proper use of his life.

We can benefit from doing something similar.

Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is sit alone for a while, without trying to accomplish anything, and give ourselves the opportunity to reflect, like we do over at The Stoa.

And sometimes we don’t even need to think about anything important. We can simply enjoy being alive while watching a sunset.

9. make room for what you love

One of the greatest mistakes adults make is assuming that spending energy outside work will leave them with less energy for their responsibilities.

So they stop reading for pleasure, exploring nature, dancing, visiting friends, learning new things, or pursuing interests that have nothing to do with earning money.

They become increasingly efficient at working and worse at enjoying life.

And then they wonder why their days feel so monotonous. So constipated with ennui.

The English designer and writer William Morris spent much of his life questioning the separation between useful work and human enjoyment.

In News from Nowhere, he imagined a society where people could take pleasure in making beautiful things, working with their hands, spending time outdoors, and participating in the their communities.

His vision may have been utopian, but the question behind it is still poignant- why should so much of our lives be organized around activities that leave so little room for pleasure?

Of course, we have to earn a living. There are bills to pay and people who depend on us.

But we also have a responsibility to make something worthwhile out of the time available to us.

A good book can introduce us to an entirely different world. A hike can remind us how much beauty exists beyond our daily concerns. Dancing, music, art, and good conversation can make an ordinary weekend something we remember for years.

And these pleasures often make us more willing to return to our work.

We come back with greater enthusiasm because our lives contain something beyond obligation.

The aim isn’t to fill every free hour with another activity. Sometimes we ought to rest, do nothing, and be content with the simple pleasures already available to us.

There is no prize for being perpetually occupied.

10. work toward a life that gives you more freedom

All these habits can make your life easier. But there’s a larger question we eventually have to answer.

What kind of life are we trying to build?

We can become healthier, more disciplined, more knowledgeable, and better at managing our responsibilities. Yet if the circumstances we’ve created leave us with little freedom to enjoy these advantages, something will always be off.

This is one of the reasons I believe in starting a business and working toward greater independence.

Building something of your own allows you to pursue goals you care about, develop useful skills, and potentially gain more control over how you spend our time.

Of course, entrepreneurship brings its own hardships. There will be uncertainty, financial pressure, difficult decisions, and periods when the work demands more than we expected.

And it’s not the right path for everyone.

But the point remains, regardless of the career we choose- we ought to work toward circumstances that give us greater freedom to live according to our values.

That might mean building a business, becoming exceptionally good at our profession, managing our finances better, or reducing the number of obligations we’ve allowed to accumulate.

It requires sacrifice.

We can’t spend our mornings lounging in bed, waste our afternoons on gossip and trivialities, and then wonder why we have no time for the life we want.

At some point, you have to decide how you intend to live and remain reasonably faithful to that decision.

And this is where most people often misunderstand Stoicism.

They imagine a philosophy solely concerned with hardship, restraint, and learning to tolerate unpleasant circumstances. They forget that its purpose is to help you live well, to develop the wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance that make a flourishing life possible. It’s the engine that’ll help you achieve your goals.

There’s a beautiful art to living this way.

Your abilities improve, relationships deepen, ambitions become more meaningful, and the things that once overwhelmed you become easier to handle. You begin finding pleasure in the effort itself, because you can see the kind of person you’re becoming and the possibilities your work is opening up.

Life will still be difficult. There will be losses, disappointments, periods of uncertainty, and responsibilities you can’t escape.

But as you become better equipped to handle these things, you can begin directing more of your energy toward the extraordinary privilege of being alive.

And that’s what becoming an adult ought to mean, dear - becoming increasingly capable of handling life’s demands while finding more reasons to love and enjoy this finite life.

‘Til next time. Have a good week ahead!

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With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

My girl could go a few hours without talking to me and give me debilitating anxiety for the day.

In my teenage years, that was enough to make me think she didn’t like me anymore. If she talked to someone else, jealousy would consume me. I needed reassurance, and the more I sought it, the more likely I was to hear words I hated- you're clingy.

I can laugh at it now, but I remember how much that hurt. In my head, I was loving this person and showing her how serious I was by being all in her face.

And when she pulled away- I tried harder. Her withdrawal became another reason to pursue her, until the relationship suffocated.

Several relationships ended with that same issue. Eventually, I tried my hand at being nonchalant. Cultivating mystery meant I held back affection, suppressed the questions I wanted to ask, and gave the impression that nothing could touch me.

But this only hurt in a different way. I couldn’t express the love within me. I had given up the empathy I needed to create a connection and become rather more self-centred, a playboy of some kind whose attention still revolved around ladies and what they thought of him.

It took me longer to understand how to love someone fully while giving them room to express their love. I discovered that they also yearned for a chance to seduce me, ask how my day had been, what my fears were, or why I liked eating fruit a certain weird way. And while giving them the room to do so, I could, in tandem, discover my other interests and experiences.

There was a whole life waiting for my participation.

a colorless life

In Anton Chekhov’s The Darling, Olenka receives a telegram announcing her husband’s death. Devastated, she asks why he has left her and how she can live on without him. During their marriage, she had fully entered his spirit- his theatre had occupied her thoughts; she had adopted his opinions and echoed his complaints about audiences.

Later, she marries a timber merchant. Soon she thinks, talks, and even dreams about timber. Theatre now seems a frivolous distraction. Her devotion has found another person, and her understanding of the world changes with him.

When he dies, she mourns again. A subsequent attachment to a veterinary surgeon gives her another set of concerns to adopt. Then he leaves town, and she finds herself without opinions or anything authentic she wants to say.

The world continues around her, offering little that moves her.

Olenka’s tenderness makes this a painful read. She has so much affection to give, yet so little life remains her own when someone leaves. You can recognize something of yourself in that emptiness whenever an unanswered message makes everything else feel bland and pointless.

For some people, affection has felt uncertain enough that they’ve learned to watch for withdrawal. Others have spent years absorbed in demanding work, leaving little time for friendships or interests. And when a connection develops, it carries them away.

Admitting this can be uncomfortable. We like to consider ourselves mysterious, cool, powerful, seductive beings. It’s harder to acknowledge how much of our day depends on whether someone seems pleased with us.

Once their attention becomes our biggest source of happiness, conflict threatens more than the relationship- it obscures our access to joy and relief.

We hide opinions, abandon ambitions, and tolerate things that hurt us because keeping the peace seems easier than enduring their displeasure. Until it isn’t.

where others stop and we begin

I’m not against loving a person to the fullest capacity we can. Life is too short to love half-heartedly. You should be able to express tenderness, become excited about someone, and let their presence make an ordinary afternoon beautiful.

But they can’t be your everything.

We’re still individuals, whether we like it or not, and we have to develop a capacity for happiness that includes other people while retaining our functionality in their absence.

Those closest to us will affect our moods. Sometimes they’ll hurt us, and sometimes their affection will rescue a difficult day. But we still have a responsibility to examine what we make of their behavior.

A few hours without a reply can become evidence of rejection if we keep supplying that interpretation. If we keep being suspicious. But it’s still possible to acknowledge our unease and return to what requires our attention before we get the facts of what an absence means. And when they do get back to us, we can even tell them to communicate better the next time they’ll be unavailable. I’m sure someone who likes you won’t want to see you in distress.

This is why having a purpose, or something meaningful to return to is most useful. In Meditations 5.1, when Marcus Aurelius feels distracted, he considers the devotion people bring to their crafts- the artisan absorbed in his work, the dancer in his art. He asks himself why he treats his own responsibilities with less seriousness.

You can approach your life’s task with that same reverence, as though it were a gift from the gods entrusted to your care. Perhaps you’re building a business, learning a profession, raising children, or making something that will help people you’ll never meet. Whatever it is- it depends on your willingness to show up for it.

This purpose needs time and dedication.

If every moment remains available to a lover, you’d lose the plot and become depressed for not fulfilling your destiny. You may have to explain that certain hours belong to your work and then keep returning your attention to it whenever you become distracted- and that conversation can require reassurance.

Someone accustomed to constant availability may feel unsettled when the arrangement changes. But you can explain what you need to cultivate and agree on time together that you’ll honor.

You should also notice if those conversations lead anywhere useful. If protecting reasonable time for yourself repeatedly brings punishment, threats, or demands to abandon what matters to you, you have to reconsider the terms on which you’re being asked to stay.

And then during your time together, your loved ones deserve your presence. They should feel how much you enjoy them, without competing with the work you’ve now brought to the table.

leave ample room for the world

There’s also value in allowing yourself periods of being alone before entering another relationship. After a breakup, the temptation to find someone quickly and fill that void can be powerful, especially when an empty evening grows heavy on your chest.

Give yourself enough time to discover what happens when you let a colder than usual evening pass. You might grieve, become bored, call a friend, cook something, or finally begin the book you’ve been meaning to read. Gradually, you learn which parts of your life need attention and what you enjoy when nobody is there to make it feel like fun.

Keep your friendships alive. Accept invitations and support. Being able to spend time alone can coexist with wanting company, asking for help, and remaining open to romance.

There’s no need to turn your evolution into another reason you’re avoidant.

The same exploration belongs within a relationship. The world is beautiful and full of excitement and possibilities. You can take up a sport, visit somewhere unfamiliar, learn to dance, or become interested in something that has no obvious use. One of the Lifemaxxing practices we explore at The Stoa can be a place to begin. Our capacity for enjoyment grows through participation in life.

This matters because work, too, can consume every available hour. Some people postpone relationships until their careers are established, as though ambition will eventually announce that it has had enough with you. There will always be another goal to pursue. Until death.

Besides, assuming love and adventure can wait indefinitely asks a great deal of a future we haven’t been promised. We can’t be entitled.

Finding a balance will require continued adjustment. Sometimes someone we love will need more of us; sometimes a responsibility will demand sustained effort. We can make those choices thoughtfully, protecting what matters while allowing our people to feel loved when they’re with us.

As our lives become fuller, we gain more freedom to choose how we love. We can disagree without treating every disagreement as the beginning of abandonment. We can give affection without requiring immediate requisition, and allow someone an afternoon of their own without making them deliver us from boredom.

As I always say, , stop asking how much love the world can give you; instead, remember there’s so much love you can give it- but you’ve got to be courageous enough to think outside yourself.

‘Til next time.

P.S: If we’ve helped or touched you in a way, consider upgrading to a paid subscription. Or support our free essays, writing and research with a one-time donation of your choosing by clicking the button below. Be part of our great cause.

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If you already donate, I appreciate you more than you know. You help us make practical philosophy available to people who need it, including those who can’t afford a paid subscription.

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With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

The Athenians laughed when Demosthenes tried to address them. His speech was bland, his voice weak, and his breath frequently interrupted his arguments. The public life he wanted required an ability he had yet to develop.

According to Plutarch, after another rejection Demosthenes headed home distressed. The actor Satyrus saw this and followed him. Our orator complained that he worked harder than other speakers, yet audiences preferred men he considered beneath him.

He was near to despair.

Satyrus asked him to recite a passage from a tragedy. When Demosthenes finished, the actor delivered the same words with such expression that they seemed transformed. Demosthenes recognized…

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1. Be careful what you require in order to be happy. Money, recognition, sex, and affection can enrich your life, but each involves conditions you can’t influence in their entirety. The Stoics placed a good life in the practice of wisdom, courage, justice, and self-control. These give you something worth doing and finding contentment in in every circumstance. Even on a difficult day, you can act in a way you respect. There’s freedom and joy in having a purpose that bad luck can’t make meaningless.

2. Learning asks you to endure the discovery that you know less than you thought. Ask the question anyway. Someone has spent years understanding the thing you’re struggling with, and a thoughtful conversation could save you months. The embarrassment of being a beginner passes. But the cost of pretending you already know keeps growing.

3. When dealing with people, self-interest is the rule. It’s thus much better to be a man of value than well-connected, but best to be both. Men will appreciate, respect, and consider you more for good opportunities when you’re good at what you do and they’ll do so first when you’re a friendly person. Keep learning. Work on your weaknesses. Refine your craft. Aim for excellence. Be genuine in helping others with problems aligning with your expertise. Together, this art of good-will will make you perennial.

4. Every profession has defective habits that survive because people have stopped questioning the status quo. Learn the work well enough to recognize where a better approach would matter. Then accept the difficulty of proving it. A useful improvement earns its place through the problem it solves. The people who benefit will have a reason to remember and reward who made it possible.

5. Be delusional in your ambitions. The undying commitment to uncomfortable goals traction you to stretch to their height in the quality of your character, mind, and spirit. Limiting yourself is thus a waste of time, abilities, and potential as you contain a generous margin of malleability to meet the desires of the self. A strategic, bold, and industrious spirit in one man soon trumps the possibilities of natural aptitude in a timid other.

   You would rather achieve little at a grand enterprise than win at a mid adventure. With prudence, and in worthy pursuits, the bigger the price you have to pay, the more the reward. Have a dream that forces you to learn ancillary wizardry like leadership, public speaking, social skills, building a valuable network, writing, marketing, listening, critical thinking, sales, lifting, emotional control, and patience. This is how you improve. It’s the way.

   Btw I write about practical Stoic essays, social & relationship skills, science-backed health tools, and more. Some of it is free, some isn’t. Upgrade to support our research and receive more bonuses at no extra cost.

6. Your first attempts will probably disappoint the part of you that already imagines mastery. There will be awkwardness, rejection, repetition, and days when improvement is difficult to see. Allow for that learning curve. You can take an attempt seriously without making its initial outcome a judgment on your entire future. There is still another version to make. Another rep. And another idea to try.

7. You inherit ways of living long before you’re mature enough to examine them. Some deserve your loyalty. Others continue costing you simply because they feel familiar. Your beginnings and environment influence what comes easily, what frightens you, and what you believe is possible. But as you recognize and sift those influences, you gain opportunities to choose which ones you’ll carry forward on your way to being a sovereign individual. This is why journaling and exposing yourself to ways of thinking alien and elevated to your own is useful.

8. Good manners make another person’s experience of you more pleasant. A cultured man is an oasis in a desert of the boring self-absorbed. Clean clothes, attention, consideration, and gracefulness are attractive and charming. One also expects a graceful man’s well-ordered mind, beauty, and elegance pours into other aspects of his life.

9. Anticipation gives an experience part of its pleasure. A good story needs room to develop; a promising project can hold our interest before we see its full shape. Give people enough to care about what comes next, and make the eventual result worth their attention. Every delay spends some of their patience to your advantage- their deeper enjoyment of the experience.

10. You can allow people to discover your abilities over time. A thoughtful observation, a problem handled well, or an unexpected skill often leaves a stronger impression than a prattled catalogue of achievements. There is pleasure in realizing that someone has more to them than you first understood. Keep developing that depth, and reveal what the occasion calls for.

11. Chance will always have a part in your life. But give your judgment and character significant more stake in your destiny. Prepare for what you can foresee, take the opportunity you’ve recognized, and consider the cost of doing nothing. An unanswered letter, an avoided decision, or a concern you never raised can shape your future as surely as an action you regret.

12. Great men absorb the spirit in the stories, poems, and wise quotations they learn from conversations and books through their practice and embodiment in the real world. Understand and then live what you believe for it to bear significance. That’s how you live an interesting and illustrious life.

13. Maintaining a desirable solid reputation pushes you to become a better, more competent person as you’re now forced to live up to someone’s expectations. But it’s silly to worry about what most think of you unless the criticism is well-founded. A chronic attitude of fake it till you make it, though sometimes effective, will be found out or give you unnecessary trouble in maintaining the charade.

14. Imagination is neither good nor evil, it all depends on how you use it. If your fantasies lead to desires not within your power of acquisition despite doing your best, it’s wise to ignore them and focus on what you can get.

    But if, for instance, you use your creativity to dream of possible terrible consequences if you fail, as a tactic to motivate effective action on a promising enterprise, then it’s prudent to indulge.

15. Bad news, situations, or facts should always motivate you toward forward action. A lot of time sinks into useless whining, rumination, and complaints when you could be happier using your wisdom and skills in pivoting. Time wasted on negativity is a tragic and careless loss — a cosmic failure of the intellect. God won’t forgive you.

16. Success in persuasion requires knowing what moves each person. Common needs are ease, status, pleasure, and money but mostly connection and a good time. Help people achieve their deepest desires and you’ll have their hearts.

17. Focusing on many goals disperses the potential of doing one well. It’s thus wise to try one thing before moving on to another. How can you handle this task fast and create the best outcome possible? You might have to learn ancillary skills to support your work’s quality and distribution, but excellence in one domain ought to be your chief aim.

‘Til next time, dear reader. Have a great week ahead.

And if we’ve helped or touched you in a way, consider upgrading to a paid subscription. Or support our free essays, writing and research with a one-time donation of your choosing by clicking the button below. Be part of our great cause.

Donate

If you already donate, I appreciate you more than you know. You help us make practical philosophy available to people who need it, including those who can’t afford a paid subscription.

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With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

Michael Faraday was tired of bookbinding. He had little formal education and wanted a life in science, but his letter to Sir Joseph Banks, president of the Royal Society, received no answer.

He tried again. After attending Humphry Davy’s lectures, he prepared an illustrated volume of notes and sent it to the chemist, asking for help entering scientific work. Davy replied, recognized his enthusiasm and attention, and agreed to meet him. When a laboratory position became available in 1813, Faraday accepted it.

That’s how he become the great scientist we remember him for.

We face similar versions of that decision whenever someone interests us. A stranger might become a friend we cherish for years. A conversation between an artist and a psychologist might change the direction of a project. There’s an enormous amount we can learn from one another, loving connections we could have, provided someone is willing to be bold.

I used to worry that people would think I was weird for approaching them. Eventually, I asked myself what would happen if they did. It would hurt for a moment- for sure. But I could brush it off. I know myself, and I’m good with who I am.

That made the risk feel manageable. I could be excited about meeting someone without needing reassurance that they would like me.

Because you can walk over, say hello, and remain so busy wondering how you’re coming across that you barely hear the answer. Fear of rejection keeps drawing your attention back to yourself, precisely when another person has begun to let you into their world. And it’s good that you get rid of it.

become someone worth discovering

This is why the highest form of building a connection is asking questions.

When someone takes an interest in what I do or how I came to think a certain way, I feel especially drawn to them. They’ve noticed something they want to understand, and their curiosity makes me want to share it. I like them in an instant.

A person mentions changing careers. You wonder what finally made them take the risk. Their answer reminds you of a difficult decision of your own, and soon you’re discussing something that matters to both of you. Each answer gives the conversation somewhere sublime to go.

That kind of interest has worked for me in the hospital too. I’ve had patients remember the kindness I showed them. I connected with them beyond taking a history and discussing their condition. We laughed. What remained with them included the experience of being treated as someone whose life extended beyond that encounter.

Being remembered this way makes me conscious of how much an ordinary interaction can mean to the person receiving it. We rarely know everything someone is beyond their conciliatory exterior.

Attention also becomes more inviting when we let our enjoyment show. A specific compliment about someone’s taste, humour, or work tells them that something about them has affected us. And what could be better than that? Than being invincible? There’s pleasure in being appreciated and seen by someone who seems happy to be there.

I feel this around friends whose energy makes me excited to leave the house. They’re ambitious, they enjoy themselves, and they participate wholeheartedly in dancing, exercise, or ridiculous banter. Their willingness to face embarrassment while enjoying themselves makes it easier for everyone else to join in.

A reserved person can offer that same invitation through enthusiasm and responsiveness. The willingness to risk a little awkwardness gives other people permission to relax around you.

I’ve found it useful to remind myself that I like socializing. It helps me look forward to the person I might meet. And once I’m interested enough, I have less attention available for supervising every word that comes out of my mouth.

give them a real person

As the conversation develops, the other person needs the opportunity to discover you as well. Your opinions, tastes, and convictions give their curiosity something to work with. Constant agreement eventually leaves them wondering who they’re talking to. It’s rather boring.

In Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre, Jane believes she is about to lose both her home and the man she loves. Rochester appears ready to marry another woman and send Jane away. Distressed, Jane tells him what separation would mean and insists on her equal humanity.

Rochester proposes. Once convinced he means it, she accepts. But when he later admits that he encouraged the other woman’s interest to provoke jealousy, Jane challenges him. What about that woman’s feelings?

Having gained the affection she wanted, she still remains willing to question the man offering it. We can see what she cares about because even her happiness doesn’t alter her innate convictions about how to treat a person.

That makes a person worth knowing. You begin to trust that their agreement means something, that their affection allows room for truth- all of which is genuine.

Of course, independence requires judgment. Someone who imposes every opinion, interrupts constantly, or expresses contempt for whole groups of people gives others good reasons to avoid another conversation. Honesty carries responsibilities to the person receiving it. Timing, tact, and the effort to understand them matter.

The impression deepens as people discover how reliably those qualities hold. Over time, they learn whether the person they enjoyed meeting is someone they can depend on.

on competence

My mentor, an orthopaedic surgeon, has left that kind of impression on me.

He gets up on time, reads, sees his patients, operates, and goes home to rest—or travels elsewhere to do more work. He’s excellent at what he does. And watching that consistency makes me examine my own habits, including the mornings I sleep in.

I want his level of mastery: to treat my work with care and keep improving until the quality is undeniable. His example continues to influence me long after I’ve left his company.

All this to tell you that competence has an emotional effect of its own. A client feels the relief of trusting someone who understands their problem. An employer knows a responsibility will be handled. A younger colleague begins to imagine what they could become.

Faraday’s introduction contained the beginnings of this. His attention and effort gave Davy reasons to take him seriously. The opportunity that followed gave him somewhere to develop those qualities further.

Yet even a thoughtful approach can go unanswered. Faraday’s letter to Banks already had.

In the opening of the Enchiridion, Epictetus places our judgments and choices within our power and reputation outside it. Other people have their own part in deciding what they think of us. Allowing them that freedom makes it easier to offer our interest without demanding a particular response.

I still don’t know where the next conversation will lead. Someone I haven’t met yet may give me a reason to remember the day. And I’d like to be available when that happens.

I hope the same for you too, . Have a great day ahead.

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Have a wonderful day ahead.

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

The sun god knew that keeping his promise could kill his son. He begged the boy to ask for something else.

In Ovid’s Metamorphoses, Phaethon visits his father seeking proof of his parentage. His father embraces him and swears to grant him whatever he desires- the young man asks to drive the chariot that carries the sun across the sky.

His father immediately regrets the oath. He explains the horses’ strength and the dangers of the journey- even he struggles to control them.

But the boy insists.

His father…

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The monster has just eaten most of the captain’s battalion.

He and some lucky men manage to escape narrowly. You’d think he’d be cautious until the coast is clear, but he has a bone to pick. Before they’re off the shore he hurls insults to the one-eyed creature.

In Homer’s Odyssey, the captain has just orchestrated a ruse that leaves the Cyclops Polyphemus blinded. Up to that time, Odysseus has been wise enough to conceal his identity, calling himself a ‘Nobody’. But with stupid pride burgeoning in his chest he nearly meets his fall.

The giant hears our hero’s voice, tears a loose rock and throws it at the escaping ship. The monstrous waves threaten to drive them back toward the dreadful land but the men get busy rowing forwards again. They manage to struggle out and beg Odysseus to stop provoking it. They tell him it’s no longer worth it- they’ve already lost too much men and time.

He ignores them.

He wants the creature to know who defeated him. So he etches his name, his father’s name and where he hails from in the blue sky.

Now he has just given his enemy a bazooka. The giant cries out to his father, Poseidon, telling him he wishes that Odysseus never gets home. And if that’s too much, that he returns late, alone and in misery. All because our hero couldn’t stand having his victory uncredited.

Poseidon answers his dear son’s prayer.

What Makes Talking Necessary

You’d be quick to judge Odysseus until you remember he’s also you.

It’s easy for a whiff of anger to animate words that break a relationship. You could be getting to a resolution of an argument but you just can’t stop pressing on the issue, being rude and condescending- now things are worse. Someone could be confiding something intimate and now you have an irresistible story to tell- you’ve missed the chance to be there for them. You tell a bad joke at someone’s expense and now you feel bad and are explaining yourself.

And looking back, intelligence is often useless when we use it justify impulsiveness.

This is why Epictetus in Enchiridion 33 advises us to discipline our speech. To speak only when necessary and with restraint. He cautions us against shallow chatter about worldly events, celebrity gossip, what the neighbors fought about last night, and more specifically how we talk to and of other people- praising, blaming and comparing them. He recommends redirecting our conversations to more worthwhile matters- those that inspire us forward and connect us with others.

This is why it’s necessary to ask yourself this question at any given moment- What is compelling me to speak?

Pride wants everyone to know you’re the shit. Anger insists kindness is weakness. Anxiety wants you to fill the silence with meaningless chatter. Boredom makes people’s private lives all the more entertaining.

This is where the Stoic practice of awareness and examining your impressions applies.

‘I need to talk,’ ‘I have an opinion about this,’ are impressions you must question. The purpose is to make you realize what your words or dialogue is trying to accomplish. It’s to make you question what you know or if you understand the situation, and more importantly, reflect on the obligation you have to the person listening- and the person you avidly want to discuss.

Because you don’t want talking to land you in some dumb troubles. You have better things to do instead of defending wrong opinions. More life to enjoy instead of putting out fires. Real fun to have instead of gratifying a temporary emotion.

How to Have Something to Say

Practice is the best way to change.

The key is to first be aware of your tendencies. You might find yourself always eager to give advise, interrupt, exaggerate, complain, disclose more than you intend or maybe you like to one-up people. Then you ask yourself what you obtain from those actions. Is it attention, relief, feeling intellectual? Or do you have an inferiority complex? This helps you get what you need in alternative easier and less costly ways and make lasting amends on your discipline of speech.

Then you go out in the real world and practice. You let the other person finish without interjecting. You say you don’t know when you don’t have enough information to form an opinion. You defer speaking when you’re angry. You listen to someone struggling, empathize with them and only give advice when they ask for it.

And through restraint you master the art of timing. You don’t want to give necessary warnings, disagree or apologize at the wrong time. It just makes things uncomfortable and neuters your influence.

This then makes the other pleasures of conversation much cooler and fun. You get to use humor, affection and stories for deeper bonding which then make living with people joyful. And that’s most of social success in itself.

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With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D.

Kanji Watanabe discovers he has stomach cancer.

The poor guy has spent the last 30 years numbing himself with soul-crushing paper work after his wife died and now with a few months left to live, he reflects on the measure of his life and wonders if he ever did anything worthwhile.

He tries to speak to his son about this tragic fate but he gets short of words. How do you explain to someone you love that you’re dying? That they’ll be an orphan? So he retreats to his room, locks the door behind him and still in his suit- covers his head and weeps.

Soon, he gets a bit out of his head and decides to live out his foregone pleasures.

Akira Kurosawa, author of the novel Ikiru, takes our character through Tokyo’s nightlife full of drinks, women, drugs and other forms of entertainment. Imagine the relief and fun he’s having. However, he requests the pianist to play an old love song and while singing along he starts crying. Everybody now stops to listen. What was supposed to be an exciting night brings a cloud of grief to the club.

Sad isn’t it? Watanabe is now lost- he doesn’t know what to do with himself now that his form of escapism doesn’t resolve his problems.

Then he pursues a former colleague, Toyo, a young woman whose enjoyment of and aliveness in life fascinates him. He has to sign her resignation form. But she grows uncomfortable that he wants to hang around her. Thinks he’s creepy. But later he explains it’s that he’s about to die and wants to feel as alive, as full of life as she is.

It’s crazy how after all these years he hasn’t learned how to live.

Toyo is a simple woman. She just makes toy rabbits for children and finds fulfillment in the connection this job gives her with the kids who receive them. Watanabe sees a similar possibility within his job- there’s a petition that’s been going around in his department where mothers want a polluted drainage area to turn into a playground.

He decides to take up this responsibility himself.

It’s a struggle. Fighting through the bureaucracy to get this done takes more effort and determination than he thought. He has to become fearless and aggressive- traits he didn’t have before- while standing up to local officials and members of the Yakuza gang, to the point he even smiles when they threaten to kill him.

This is where he notices he’s now truly alive. He has nothing to lose. He persists and gets the playground built. And now near his death, he sits on a swing beneath a cloud with falling snow and sings his old favorite song again. This time with great contentment.

What Makes a Life Complete?

Seneca compares life to a play and us- the actors.

In letter 77, he says that it doesn’t matter how long a play lasts, but how well you perform it. If you dare to live well, to be a good and honorable person- acting with courage, discipline, focusing on what you control and treating others with kindness, generosity and loving wholeheartedly- you’ll have lived a whole life no matter when it ends. Cool right?

This then even removes the fear of death because if all you have to do to feel good about your existence here is spend more time with the people you adore, finish the work you set out to do and be compassionate with the different parts of yourself, then life’s good.

Of course, you don’t have to dismiss the elephants in the room- the duties that still need your care and attention. Only that if you do your work with good intention and all your attention- you’re already doing well as far as the satisfaction of your life is concerned. You don’t have to reach a specific quota so you can feel fulfilled because as you know by now- as long as you’re alive there will always be problems to solve and we have to make peace with this fact so that we create time for the things that make our lives feel worthwhile.

Watanabe gives you something to think about- what good can you do with the power, knowledge, resources, time and authority you have at this moment? What can you leave better than you found?

The Cost

It won’t be easy. You’ll experience pain and meet the proverbial crossroad of sacrifices when you set out to make your life worthwhile.

Apologizing to make amends with someone or clear your conscious will make your reputation and tough exterior questionable. Perhaps you’re not as perfect as you think. Your progress at work may suffer when you set out to spend more time with your family. Setting out to write or sing or paint will expose the distance between your taste and your abilities. Maybe you’ll even discover how much you love sleep and how much it takes to live your dream.

And that’s why I want you to ask yourself today, What discomfort am I avoiding by leaving this undone? And how can I make it easy to manage because the life I want is worthwhile. The more specific your answer, the more it’ll move you into action.

But if this doesn’t work, you can ask yourself a more severe question- What would have to become painful enough before you finally acted? Why require that much pain?

It took my sister getting cancer to have the idea of mortality so intimate with me and the vision for my life ever so profound. It took my young friend dying in a tragic car accident to be grateful for the opportunity to live and do cool stuff. It took a fairly healthy patient’s condition turning for the worst in an instant to know death breaths right near me. And not that I wouldn’t have come to the realizations on my own. But life did show me it has no favorites and it did make it clear that I need to take my life upon myself and choose the direction I want it to go before the lights go out.

I wish the same for you, dear . I want you to fight for your playground, and find happiness in bringing it to fruition- as Watanabe did.

Thanks for reading this far. Consider upgrading to a paid subscription. Or support our free essays, writing and research with a one-time donation of your choosing by clicking the button below. Be part of our great cause.

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Have a wonderful day ahead.

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D.

Epictetus tells us that we’re always reinforcing what we do. No other place is this truer than how we pay attention. He warns that the more we’re accustomed to giving in to distractions, the harder it becomes to correct the flaw and the more doomed our fate becomes.

His main concern was the mind- about the weak judgments we come to accept, the terrible impulses we permit ourselves and how we treat people. Why? Because attention is how we notice ourselves doing wrong or going astray and how we get to choose the best response around a situation. Consider how we talked about the value of delay when you’re angry and how you can train your attention to anticipate and capacitate it.

The Swahili have a proverb- haba na haba hujaza kibaba. It means little things snowball into huge ones. It mostly applies to saving money, but the opposite is also true. If we lose our attention and treat a person rudely, the next time it gets harder to practice kindness. If we lose the battle to laziness today, the next day it gets harder to get out of bed. Even procrastination begets procrastination, and a largely unlived life.

Aesop once wrote about a dog who lost everything. He was carrying a huge chunk of meat across a river when he saw a reflection that looked like another dog was carrying an even bigger piece. So he drops his chunk and reaches to snap the other one. But this is how the river carries away his juicy steak. Stupid, right?

This is exactly what happens with our distractions. The grass always seems to be greener. We lose the precious time, good life and good things we have in pursuit of an illusion and wonder why we’re busy but unaccomplished. Spent but unhappy.

A new book, article or Youtube video seems to offer a new discovery when we’re clearly not done with the one we started. A new car seems to offer new excitement when ours is still in good condition- when it was what we once prayed for. A new lover seems to offer endless possibilities of excitement when we’re yet to discover the profoundness of the one we have. But what happens is that at the end of the day we’re not thinking better, we don’t get any happier, and we for sure don’t have anyone to talk with about the way we handled running out of toilet paper in the office toilet. Tragic isn’t it?

This is why Marcus Aurelius in Meditations 2.7 advises himself against action without a guiding aim.

I’m not against dropping books when they’re not interesting or teaching you anything important. Neither am I against ambition and breaking up with someone when things aren’t working. The point is that protecting what matters most to us requires sacrifice- we might have to struggle through the book, force ourselves to appreciate our car, or pledge to deal with the frustration of our lover because we can’t imagine being with anybody else. Nothing good comes easy.

The same way surgeons place sterile drapes around a surgical site, leaving a window within a prepared field is the focus we must operate with if we’d like to live well, be happy and accomplish our dreams.

This means before you do anything else today, or whichever time this e-mail finds you- you list down your three priority tasks. You then protect your space from distractions, by putting your phone beyond reach, closing unrelated tabs, choosing your sacred hours and planning for when an inconvenience comes.

Your mind will still wander. You’ll remember the person you need to text back or your desk will suddenly need re-organizing. But when this happens, it’s important you ask yourself- Am I trying to escape because this part is difficult? Then you do the next smallest action. Also, if you think of a genuine obligation- you note it down on paper for later resumption.

Apply the same attentiveness when talking to people. You don’t want to be the person who hears enough to answer but also misses enough to misunderstand. So you put the phone away, let the other person finish, and before advising or disagreeing you confirm if you’ve understood them and know what they need. You also give them room to correct you. That’s how you build influence.

Lastly, infuse play in your life. The exemplification of this is Chardin’s House of Cards, where he paints a boy constructing a house of cards, bent over a table with a card in hand- he’s doing something useless yet appears grossly engrossed in it. This is where you have a long lunch doing nothing, have wandering conversations, watch good film, or just read without extracting any lesson.

However, dear - I’d be remiss if we didn’t diagnose and treat the root cause of your restlessness. Even if you know what to do, it’s also important to know why you keep seeking distractions. Perhaps you keep procrastinating because you’re afraid of failure, or you’re biting more than you can chew. Maybe you don’t have boundaries with your phone because you’re a chronic people pleaser.

These reasons deserve a closer look and The Stoic Workbook below will help you examine yourself, identify what your ailment is and get a personalized remedy for when you’re distracted without purpose again. Please, bring a pen and notebook with you.

September 29 — Epictetus on the cost of losing your attention

Epictetus, Discourses 4.12

“Once you let your attention wander, do not assume you can recover it whenever you wish. What you repeatedly permit becomes easier to repeat. The condition of the mind is shaped by what you practice.”

Socratic questions for a better life,

1. What risk does giving your full effort and commitment expose you to? Would you discover that…

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He killed his innocent dog.

The Welsh tell a story about how a prince, Llywelyn, returned home from hunting only to find his infant son’s cradle messy and overturned. He rushes outside and meets his hound Gelert running toward him with blood around his mouth.

Knowing what has happened, he’s overcome with vengeance and puts a dagger into the dog — only to hear his dear boy crying under the bed. Nearby lies the cold body of the wolf that Gelert fought off to protect his child.

Poor dog!

This is the tragedy of our human nature. We interpret events as this and that, cover them with certainty, then the force of our emotions rush to animate our beliefs- not caring if the reality we see and the facts we’ve concluded are true or not.

A Brief Madness

Seneca calls anger brevis insania, a brief madness. He means to illustrate that in the heat of the moment, anger clouds your judgement and makes you cold- even to the people you love.

You raise your voice and choose an ammunition of words to shoot a person’s esteem down. Your face flushes, your breathing becomes hysterical and suddenly every event becomes a motive. Mistakes become carelessness. Disagreement becomes an effort to undermine your authority. And even genuine affection becomes manipulation.

Then later you say I don’t know what came over me.

The Moment of Assent

What most people don’t know, or if they knew don’t apply- is that there’s a space. A moment that helps you buy time before you explode in anger and everything becomes a shell of your former life.

The impulse to retaliate and tell people what’s what, is normal- but it’s not everything. You may feel words about to pour out before you tap into your higher faculties, but you must stop yourself and deliberate.

This is the practice the Stoics advocated for where before impression- phantasia- and assent- synkatathesis- you deliberate and seek an explanation for what has happened. This to say that, the conclusion you’ve reached to doesn’t have to be the end of everything- even if those things have happened.

You have the power to interrupt the story and decision you make from whatever happens. You have power over your mind. You don’t have to go with the flow.

The Usefulness of Anger

Aristotle said that anger can help serve courage and justice- in that if you’re harmed, anger can provide force to the consequences you can exert. Seneca argued otherwise- he said anger is too volatile an emotion to remain a loyal servant of Reason.

It’s like trying to tame a runaway horse, putting it in a chariot and assuming you’re still in control.

If you’ve seen yourself angry you know how you tend to exaggerate the insult, reinterpret ambiguity in the worst manner possible and become certain about motives you’d never prove and call it good judgment.

This is why Seneca advises you to strip apart the confidence you have of other people’s intentions. It could be true that someone acted from malice. But it might also be true that, particularly if you know them well, this is a manifestation of fatigue, insecurity, carelessness, confusion, incompetence, fear, or a gross coincidence.

I’m not saying you excuse bad behavior or not set your boundaries. What I want you to understand is you know less than you think when caught in the spell of anger. A glass that someone knocks off a table requires a different interpretation to the glass someone throws at you.

The Remedy

Seneca tells us to think like a physician to solve anger. You can’t be angry that a feverish person is sweating. You view it objectively- as a clinical sign of a deeper illness.

Case in example, the cruel person just misunderstands what doing the right thing is. The arrogant one is just wrong about status and the greedy one is misinformed about wealth.

This means you can handle a situation without injecting the toxins of anger to create an outcome. If you’re a leader you can dismiss someone without humiliating them. You can end a relationship without turning cruel.

You can speak with force, without anger.

This leads to a simple but not easy prescription from Seneca.

Delay

Don’t make the call or send the text when anger flushes. Don’t spit out the immediate sentence that forms in your head. Don’t make a decision you’ll regret when your body is clearly ready for combat.

This does not dilute your judgement that something is wrong. After the walk or run or sleeping it off- you can still confront the person, discipline the employee or leave the relationship.

If your decision about an event survives the emotion, you get to trust it even more.

It’s also wise to reverse your physiological response. Unclench your hands, sit down, lower your voice and slow down your speech. Basically do the physical opposite of what you do when angry.

It also helps to have a set of rules ready beforehand whenever you feel anger rising. This can be a person you call, a period you wait for before action, some dishes you wash or laundry you fold, or a rule you have for yourself- like to put on your shoes and take a walk around your neighborhood.

However, knowing that is useless if we don’t identify the triggers we’re unusually sensitive to, the interpretations we usually turn to when we get into an argument, or the dark satisfactions we get from reacting.

This is why Seneca and modern psychology advocate for self-awareness, where you can see anger coming a mile away. This then helps you to start creating your boundaries or set counter measures early on. The point being that if you know what makes you tick, it makes anger less likely to manipulate you and lead to undesirable actions.

The questions below are designed to help you notice anger so that you’re ready to implement the remedies we’ve talked about before your next argument, mistake you find out or provocation arrives.

September 27 - Seneca on the Deconstruction of Anger

Seneca, On Anger

“Anger is undoubtedly produced by an impression received of an injury; but whether it follows immediately upon the impression and breaks out without the mind’s assent, or whether it moves with the mind’s consent, is what we are asking... The first movement is involuntary—a preparation for passion, a threat of sorts. The second movement occurs with volition, when reason accepts that an injury has occurred and that vengeance is proper.”

— Seneca, De Ira, 2.3.1–2

Socratic questions for a better life,

1. What story did your mind tell you in your last serious episode of anger? What hurt you the most in this narrative? Was what you…

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One day Buck is stolen and deprived of the comfort he’s used to.

He’s the upbeat dog in Jack London’s The Call of the Wild whose character represents almost all of us. He belongs to Judge Miller who has a huge California estate, where he feeds, protects and takes care of everything the dog needs.

One day thieves beat and ship him North and throw him into the Klondike where he’s attacked by cold, exhaustion and violence. There’s no rest for him out there. Each deprivation shocks him, but soon he adapts. He learns to sleep on snow, steal food, defend himself, read situations and danger quickly and survive with far less than what meant death earlier.

Buck picks himself up and transforms into a pillar of endurance. Circumstances lose their power over him as he traverses beyond the limits of what he thought possible. No one can shake him at that point.

This is what Epictetus talked about in length in his Discourses. He himself was enslaved- but he argued that a person needing the cooperation of external circumstances to go on about life was no free man. Anyone who can’t endure embarrassment, loss, criticism or exclusion gives people who can inflict these dangers leverage over them.

To illustrate the point, he talks of a slave convinced that manumission would solve his troubles. But once this man gets free, he begins seeking security elsewhere. He prostrates before wealthy patrons to get dinner invitations. He goes after political office and tolerates humiliation to get it. He marries, buys new possessions and in the process acquires new anxieties as he doesn’t wanna lose them.

Is this freed man still free? Epictetus asks.

This is why he often concluded that, Your master is the person who can give you what you think you can’t do without, or one who can inflict pain you believe you can’t endure.

Needing another person’s opinion or approval will dictate your mood. Needing a client to stay makes their departure terrifying. Needing a relationship to continue at any cost makes you tolerate the unimaginable. Needing a good reputation makes anyone capable of embarrassing you your master.

Look, I don’t want you to quit your job, or never start a business or live outside civilization where you don’t have to deal with any of this. The point is to practice inner detachment from the things you pursue and the people around you while caring, loving, negotiating the deal, managing the project and engaging with the world rigorously while leaving the outcome to the universe and returning your sovereignty to your character and choices. That’s freedom. And it’s price is redirecting our attention to our mind and skills- their quality and application- whenever we veer off. Don’t tire.

So when your anxiety around a particular thing intensifies, I want you to reflect on this passage and questions for a better life-

September 25 — Epictetus on the price of freedom

Epictetus, Discourses 4.1, “On Freedom”

“A person is free when they can live as they choose: when they cannot be compelled, obstructed, or forced into what they wish to avoid. Whoever places their good in things controlled by others has made themselves dependent on them.”

Socratic questions for a better life,

1. Identify 3 things you desire that depend on someone else’s cooperation. Could be affection, sex, money, recognition, opportunity, reputation, or promotion. How much power are you giving away in pursuit of those things? Now repeat the exercise with what you fear losing.

2. Where have you placed your well-being on the achievement of external goods and confused it with ambition? When your progress slows down and achievement is uncertain, how does your behavior change? And do you like who you become?

3. Is it possible to relocate your good to your rational judgments, strategy and actions? Do you think this would weaken your commitments to people, institutions, security, or ambitious projects whose outcomes matter?

4. What are you asking or looking for from another person that you believe you can’t give yourself? Is it possible to become someone you admire- someone who’s regard is high enough for self-consideration?

5. How would you balance the independence in your actions while accepting the dependence we have on others? At what point does the buck stop with you?

6. What would have to remain intact for you to regard yourself as having lost an outcome without having lost anything essential? What counts most in your dealings that you’d consider a win- no matter the outcome?

Thanks for reading this far, . Remember you can always join our private community, here, for more organized practice around Stoic philosophy.

Have a wonderful day ahead.

With love,
Antonius Veritas, M.D.

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This is the prayer Cleanthes, the second head of the Stoic school, once said,

“Lead me, Zeus, and you, Fate, wherever I am assigned to go. I will follow willingly. And if I refuse, I must follow nonetheless.

Fate guides the willing, but drags the unwilling.”

Early Stoics used the idea of a dog tied to a cart to illustrate how much power the invincible forces of the universe have over humans and what’s in our power in this interesting situation. Imagine Cleanthes’ dog for a second. When tied to a long enough leash, it’s free to explore along the road, even rest and pee a bit. It has freedom within specified limitations- though it can’t decide where or when the cart moves.

Say it wants to stop but the cart intends to keep moving- it’ll be dragged and possibly get hurt in the process. But if it chooses to continue just as the cart does, it’ll own the journey- constraint becomes freedom.

Your life moves the same way. You could be fired, betrayed, or lose someone you love, but you can’t reverse what has already happened. You can’t negotiate with aging, go back in time to change yesterday’s mistake, or wish death, illness, work and bad weather away. You’ll notice that the universe doesn’t consult any of us or consider that we haven’t had a break for the last one week. It just does as it pleases.

In those cases, you’re the dog and the cart is already moving.

You can slow down to cry, to grieve, to prevent bitter from turning sour, seek justice, leave and rebuild- but after some time we have to keep going with and from the world that now exists.

Your next steps will either require courage, restraint, patience, action, endurance or a difficult conversation with yourself to restrategize and start over. Not complain.

But that’s just the beginning.

Marcus Aurelius challenged himself to push the idea further. What would happen if you learned to regard the difficult and unwanted parts of life as necessary material to your particular existence- as something to learn from, work with to build your quirks, and create a beautiful life with?

That’s what I want us to think about today on today’s chapter of The Stoic Workbook.

September 22- Marcus Aurelius on Fate

“Love what happens to you and what is woven into your life. What could be more fitting for you than what belongs to the pattern of your own existence?”

Socratic questions for a better life,

1. If you think Marcus is asking too much of you and the situation you’re in, what point do think you can get to right now? Perhaps not complaining?

2. What would it mean to see an event as good and love it without pretending it’s good- this can be a failure, illness, betrayal or humiliation? What do you think it’s saving you from, helping you develop or giving you time to start building?

3. If it’s possible to make good of the situation fate brings to us, is saying something is ‘unfair’ describe reality or a fault in your judgement?

4. Where are you bargaining with reality, wishing it was different- yet there’s nothing you can do about it?

5. Suppose you could change the past, what would disappear with it? Consider new strengths, skills, relationships, opportunities, or discoveries you were forced into.

6. Should you accept a mediocre life and castrate your ambition just because fate is leading you? If not, how would you differentiate between accepting the facts you can’t change from simply being lazy and unbothered to do your best in the right strategy?

7. What possibilities are now open to you now that you’re no longer resisting the reality that has happened- now that this life can’t be exchanged for a different one?

Thanks for reading this far, . Have a wonderful day ahead.

With love,
Antonius Veritas, M.D.

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September 21 — Musonius Rufus on whether philosophy has changed you

Musonius Rufus, Lecture 6: On Training

“Virtue cannot be acquired through understanding alone. A person may know that pleasure should not rule them, yet remain completely untrained in resisting pleasure. They may understand justice while never having practiced giving up selfish advantage.

Philosophy therefore requires training: repeatedly doing what your principles require until your character becomes capable of carrying them out.”

Musonius compares philosophy to medicine and music- knowing the principles of an art is insufficient if you’ve never trained yourself to perform it.

And it’s through the workbook below, where you'll learn to understand yourself better, live to your true potential, increase your capacity for joy, notice where your actions fall short of your principles, see better angles to manage situations and forge a solid way to live better.

Done consistently, these small structured actions become a great practice to shape your judgment, habits, and character. Let’s begin.

Socratic questions for a better life,

1. What Stoic principle do you understand intellectually but fail to live?

2. Where’s the gap largest between what you believe and what your ordinary behavior otherwise demonstrates?

3. Musonius assumes a person’s character can be trained through repeated action. What qualities are you currently training accidentally through repetition- impatience, indulgence, avoidance, courage, restraint, generosity?

4. Think about the last time desire overruled your better judgment. At what exact point could training have changed what happened?

5. Is there something you describe as a character flaw that might really be a lack of deliberate practice?

6. Which virtue do you most want to possess- courage, temperance, justice, patience, self-command? What situations or environment would help you train it?

7. What discomfort do you routinely avoid that might be useful practice? Can you try doing it without complaining?

8. If someone watched your actions for the past month without hearing any of your philosophical opinions, what would they conclude you’re training yourself to become?

That’s all for today.

P.S: I’ve finally launched our private community, The Stoa- for those interested in Stoicism beyond theory.

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With love,
Antonius Veritas, M.D.