Be willing to look foolish if you want to improve.

That’s what Epictetus told anyone serious about practicing Stoicism- because the philosophy requires living outside your comfort zone, being active in the real world and acting a bit contrary to what most normal people do.

You’ll have to be comfortable to risk looking awkward, strange, ignorant, overeager or desperate if you want to become braver, happier, more independent, wiser and less weighed by other people’s thoughts and opinions. The embarrassment is part of the training. The alternative is to be restless, disturbed, sad, with regrets of living a smaller than ideal life.

For example, many people fail to introduce themselves in social gatherings because they might seem awkward. They don’t negotiate because someone might say no. You hide your opinion because it would be at odds with people in the room. You keep investing in relationships, jobs, friendships and routines that don’t nourish you because changing will need uncomfortable conversations and some hard work.

Eventually, no one needs to control you. Or neuter your impulses, interests and aspirations. You do it yourself.

The ancient Stoics were deliberate about philosophy as a practice, as Musonius Rufus advocated. Cato became famous for caring little about appearing unusual or speaking his mind when the norm was submission to authority. The point was that- another person’s opinion shouldn’t have much authority to decide what you do with your life. Remember it’s your first and last time here.

That’s why today I want you to take five minutes and write down three things you want but are avoiding because of embarrassment, rejection, or disapproval.

Perhaps you want to ask for a raise. Or invite someone you like out. Tell a friend they crossed a boundary. Apply for an opportunity that feels out of depth. Publish your work or start creating content. Attend a concert a lone. End a relationship. Ask for help and risk looking like an imposter. Introduce yourself to someone you admire. Anything.

Now rank the three from most uncomfortable but with the highest reward to the least uncomfortable.

Attack the first one today.

But before you do, note down your most feared outcome. They’ll laugh at me. They’ll fire me for boldness. I’ll look dumb. I’ll fail.

Then act without trying to control their reaction. That’s on them.

Afterward, ask yourself-

What happened (be objective)?

What did the discomfort cost me in reality?

What opportunity would I have lost if fear had influenced my decision?

The key is to create an automatic algorithm that your mind runs whenever you want something from the outside world with significant upside but are finding a lot of internal resistance in reaching for it.

Repeat this procedure with the second action within three days and the third before the week ends.

This is how social courage becomes practical. You collect evidence that awkwardness passes, rejection is survivable, difficult conversations can be handled amicably, and many of the opportunities you want require you to just tolerate a few uncomfortable minutes.

Over time, this will change your life. You’ll begin asking for more from life. You’ll leave bad situations sooner. You’ll make friends more easily. You’ll negotiate better. You’ll become more honest in relationships. You’ll pursue opportunities before you feel ready. You’ll spend less of your life waiting for things to come to you and get after it.

That’s part of what we’ll practice inside our private community The Stoa.

I’m building it for serious readers- new and experienced- who want to practice and integrate Stoicism as a way of life through weekly challenges, exercises, real-life dilemmas, accountability and rich philosophical discourse that traverses all areas of life. This will be a year long program that only requires little of your time in a day, as you’ll spend most of your day living by the principles.

Life-Maxxing will include structured experiences to cultivate more beauty, joy, courage, social range, curiosity, and a fuller life through deliberate action in the real world. For philosophy should never be like a boring class. It’s a way of life we should enjoy by embodying a bit more courage and open-mindedness.

We launch this Friday, 18th September. People on the waitlist will be invited first and receive a special launch discount.

If you want to join the waitlist, reply to this e-mail with the word STOIC and I’ll add you.

^{Ignore if you already did.}

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

Seneca would deliberately worsen his days.

To fortify himself against poverty, he’d wear simple clothes, eat plain food, sleep on the floor and ask himself-

“Is this what I was afraid of?”

He didn’t love suffering or aim to prove how tough he was- as the modern notion of Stoicism seems to propose.

He just didn’t want the riches he had been fortunate to have turn him to a punk.

It’s the same with us. Our lives today are full of convenience. With AI, things are even going to get worse. We get warm showers, fast internet connecting us to a global community, food with a few taps, a means of transport for a distance we’d otherwise walk, and endless entertainment.

Life should be good.

Until power goes out for a day, someone disappoints us, or we miss our usual meal.

Stoics therefore recommended a deliberate practice on discipline, called askēsis.

The principle is to welcome and even create discomfort in our lives before life throws it at us.

It’s something you should start today.

You pick one form of comfort you’ve become dependent on- could be your phone, takeout, sugar, air conditioning, hot showers, being driven everywhere. Basically what you think to yourself and say, I wouldn’t want to give this up.

Then run this exercise-

1. Remove it
Skip the thing you’ve chosen for a few hours or a day. Keep the challenge just uncomfortable enough to challenge you- but reasonable and safe.

2. Watch Yourself
Notice what your mind says- I need this. This sucks. Why am I doing this? I can’t wait until it’s over.

Don’t immediately abate the discomfort. Stay with it for a bit.

Ask yourself, “What exactly am I feeling?”, “Is this harmful, or just uncomfortable?” or “Can I push myself for ten more minutes without complaining or escaping?”

3. See things as they are
Ask yourself- What’s really happening right now?

You could be hungry. Bored. Cold. Impatient. Tired. Keep it at that.

That’s different from This is unbearable.

Don’t imagine your whole life at once, Marcus Aurelius would advice. Deal with this moment, and then the next. Until we’re done.

4. Finish with Seneca’s question
Ask yourself- Was this as bad as I imagined?

Often times, you’ll come to realize that what you fear is much easier tolerated once you’re in it- if you keep going and keep a positive attitude. You have something in you more powerful than the discomfort you feel. I promise.

Do this once or twice a week with different comforts. Wake up earlier. Run further, faster. Do a fast

And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to hate pleasure or make your life unnecessarily difficult. Enjoy good things. Just ensure your happiness and enjoyment of life doesn’t depend on having them.

You’re teaching your mind and your body who’s in charge.

This is how you fortify yourself against the whims of fortune and become the captain of your ship. You won’t be easy to rattle. And you’ll find happiness, peace and success more easily.

That’s the idea behind our private community, The Stoa.

I’m building it for serious readers- new and experienced- who want to practice and integrate Stoicism as a way of life through weekly challenges, exercises, real-life dilemmas, accountability and rich philosophical discourse that traverses all areas of life. This will be a year long program that only requires little of your time in a day, as you’ll spend most of your day living by the principles.

The goal is to make Stoicism so ingrained in you that you automatically turn to it when you actually need it. That’s the only way it can change your life.

We launch in under 1 week. People on the waitlist will be invited first and receive a special launch discount.

If you want to join the waitlist, reply to this email with the word STOIC and I’ll add you.

^{Ignore if you already did.}

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

Marcus Aurelius likened a mind trained in philosophy to a strong fire. Whatever you threw onto it would turn into fuel.

The rationale behind this was that it’s not enough to recover from a difficult situation- we also have to extract something useful from it. An advantage. An opportunity.

Years earlier, Epictetus rendered the same notion. He said every situation has two handles- one with which it can be carried, and another by which it can’t.

You could say,

I was betrayed. I lost something important. This ruined my plans.

But you could also ask yourself,

What does this situation reveal, force me to learn, or give me the chance to improve?

That’s what we call reframing. You’re not changing the facts. Or gaslighting yourself. The point is to accept the negative situation as it is, and use it as a means of improvement. Of greatness. How badass is that?

For example, if a business partner betrayed you- you’d mull over the fact. Or you’d ask yourself, where was my due diligence weak? And how can I prevent this from happening again? Which incentives were poorly designed? Which agreements depended too much on goodwill? Fix these weaknesses and the betrayal may prevent a far greater loss later.

Say you suffered an injury and it became difficult to train, work or move as freely as you liked- sure it would suck. But it could also expose how dependent your identity was on performance. You’d use it as a chance to explore other hobbies- given how short life is. It could also be a chance to slow down- to think a bit more seriously about your health.

If your flight got cancelled, people disappointed you or family emergencies came up- you’d use the time angry at people- or you’d turn the disruption on it’s head, as a chance to train adaptability. With the new facts you’d use the time to read a book, edit a manuscript or check up on a friend. It’s all your time- which you’re free to use to your advantage- always. Heraclitus said, “Many who have learned from Hesiod the countless names of gods and monsters never understand that night and day are one".

Even in loneliness. Or poverty. Or death- you apply the same principle.

So the next time something goes wrong, ask yourself-

What useful thing can I leave this situation with that I didn’t have before?

Look for one of these five,

1. Information- What did this expose?

2. Skill- What must I become better at?

3. System- What process needs changing

4. Leverage- What can I now renegotiate, remove, or restructure?

5. Character- What quality is this forcing me to develop?

Then act on the answer while the pain is still fresh. That’s how you become an unstoppable force. Invincible.

Pain, failure, setbacks- they should leave you with better judgement, stronger-smoother systems, more courage or useful knowledge you can always leverage.

Whatever happens to you is all material- as the contemporary philosopher Robert Greene would say.

And that’s the point of Stoicism- not just to admire or regurgitate the ideas, but to practice them to actually help us become happier, freer, at peace and more successful. Wouldn’t you want that for yourself?

That’s the idea behind our private community, The Stoa.

I’m building it for serious readers- new and experienced- who want to practice and integrate Stoicism as a way of life through weekly challenges, exercises, real-life dilemmas, accountability and rich philosophical discourse that traverses all areas of life. This will be a year long program that only requires little of your time in a day, as you’ll spend most of your day living by the principles.

The goal is to make Stoicism so ingrained in you that you automatically turn to it when you actually need it. That’s the only way it can change your life.

We launch in under 1 week. People on the waitlist will be invited first and receive a special launch discount.

If you want to join the waitlist, reply to this email with the word STOIC and I’ll add you.

^{Ignore if you already did.}

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

Further reading,

Many people forget that we can care about an outcome or a goal without obsessing over it for motivation or so that it can come true. The Stoic philosopher Antipater of Tarsus used the metaphor of an archer to explain this concept.

Imagine you’re an archer preparing to shoot your target. You’ll obviously check the integrity of your bow, choose the best arrow, study the direction the wind is blowing, calm you nerves and take aim. Basically, everything is your responsibility before the arrow springs from the string.

After you release it, other forces take charge. A butterfly might increase the wind’s velocity. Your target may move faster than you thought. The humidity might increase the air’s resistance.

You can influence how you take the shot, but you can’t determine what happens thereafter.

I want you to understand that the archer still wants to hit his target. The Stoics never advised against wanting results. All they were asking of you is to place your definition of success, and thus your fulfillment where you’re fully in control- how you did the work culminating into your desired outcome.

This means that before a meeting, negotiation, difficult conversation, job application, date, presentation, or sales call, take two minutes and remember these two things-

What’s yours is your intentions, preparation, effort, tone, honesty, questions, boundaries, timing and follow-up.

What’s beyond your jurisdiction is if a person agrees with your terms, whether they like you, whether they buy your stuff, if they stay, whether they promote you, or if circumstances cooperate.

You then make a promise to yourself- to only judge yourself by the first list.

This way, you don’t ask if you got what you wanted. You otherwise consider,

Did I prepare properly?
Did I say what needed to be said?
Did I behave well under pressure?
What would I improve next time?

You ensure your attention goes where it’s most useful- where it’ll make a difference. Improving. Not ruminating. Re-strategizing. Not complaining- whining about what you deserve or don’t. Winning. Not becoming complacent in the event you succeed.

That’s it. You do everything in your power before you release the arrow, and in your expectations you add the fact that the world has influence in the outcome too. Applies to family, relationships, sports, career development- anywhere you set your mind to. Peace, everlasting joy and flourishing can’t help but follow you.

And that's the idea behind our private community, The Stoa.

I’m building it for serious readers- new and experienced- who want to practice and integrate Stoicism as a way of life through weekly challenges, exercises, real-life dilemmas, accountability and rich philosophical discourse that traverses all areas of life. This will be a year long program that only requires little of your time in a day, as you’ll spend most of your day living by the principles.

The goal is to make Stoicism so ingrained in you that you automatically turn to it when you actually need it. That’s the only way it can change your life.

We launch in under two weeks. People on the waitlist will be invited first and receive a special launch discount.

If you want to join the waitlist, reply to this email with the word STOIC and I’ll add you.

^{Ignore if you already did.}

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

Marcus Aurelius had a useful habit whenever something started to look more impressive, frightening or desirable than it was.

He’d describe the thing in simple terms to undress its aura.

He’d call fine wine fermented grape juice. He’d butcher the luxurious royal purple robes worn by emperors, calling them sheep’s wool dyed in putrid shellfish gore. He’d describe a juicy steak as just a dead animal cooked for dinner.

He practiced this principle in Book 6 of the Meditations, which is consistent with the Stoic idea of not being carried away by the appearance of things so that they don’t distract us from our path, and so that they don’t matter so much to us that we’d suffer ceaselessly if we lost them.

This practice translates to getting a hold of ourselves when,

Someone cancels a meeting and within seconds we assume they don’t respect our time. We forget there’s the possibility that they might not be the only or best option for us- and that’s ok.

We have a slow month in business and we forget all the progress we’ve made so far. We start thinking about how it’ll only get worse from here.

Our fancied lover takes hours to reply and we imagine they’re losing interest. Not giving them grace- forgetting they have a life of their own to live.

You get some criticism on something you did at work and become all anxious. You start thinking the worst- about how they think you’re incompetent, how they’ll laugh at you and are going to lose your job now.

And that’s the thing.

Your mind is always quick to jump into conclusions because within the first few moments it’s hard to separate an event from the running narrative in your mind.

The Stoics called what we get from an event or an object- an impression. You can’t always control what something automatically means at any moment, because how we see the world emerges from our childhood patterns. You can feel a desire, anger, fear, sadness or embarrassment come out of nowhere immediately something pops up.

However, what happens next is within your control.

And here’s a simple way to practice this today.

1. Subtract the Adjectives

Take a step back when something bothers you. Even in a literal sense if you can. Adjectives add color to our thoughts- so it’s wise to subtract them. Be sober.

This means, avoid the impulse to say-

He rudely ignored my message.

You don’t know that. The better handle for this situation is-

I sent him a message yesterday. He hasn’t replied.

Avoid-

The meeting was a complete disaster.

Try-

The investors disagreed with my proposal and we didn’t reach a decision.

2. Don’t Make False Predictions

Whenever you’re confronted with a disturbing feeling, take a piece of paper and create two lines. On one hand, you’ll write what has happened and on the other you’ll note down what you’re making it mean.

For example, you say that-

My client ended our contract.

Then on the other side you write what you think, that-

I’m losing momentum. More clients will leave. My business might fail.

Now you’ve laid it all bear- ready for scrutiny under the calm light of philosophy.

Some of what you think will happen will probably do so. But right now most of it is just speculation. You can’t resolve a ghostly appearance of matters.

3. Decide What’s Next

Unproven facts lead to faulty actions- trust but verify. For once the facts are clear and the story is coherent, you decide what your next step will be.

The client fired you.

Ok, cool.

Is there a need to know why? To replace the revenue? To improve the product? To review your sales pipeline? To accept that the relationship has simply run its course?

Reality is always much better than what you imagine. Always deal with life at that level- it’s easier that way.

This applies everywhere- from an argument with your partner or family. A bad month in business. Dealing with insults. Rejection. A medical problem. A difficult conversation. Or something you’ve been worried about for 3 days.

Always deal with the facts.

This is the idea behind one of the central spaces inside our private community, The Stoa.

Members will bring real problems from their work, relationships, ambitions and everyday lives. We’ll take those issues apart- what happened, what judgment you’ve added, what action the philosophy demands from you. And then you’ll get ideas of what you can do to prepare for any scenario.

The aim is to get better at thinking like a Stoic so that you’re not surprised by life happening.

We launch on Friday, September 18. People on the waitlist will be invited first and receive a special launch discount.

If you want to join the waitlist, reply to this email with STOIC and I’ll add you.

Ignore if you already have.

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

Epictetus gives his students crucial actionable advice, if they want to progress in Stoicism, in the 33^rd chapter of the Enchiridion .

If they desire peace, lasting happiness and flourishing- he tells them that sheep don’t need to vomit the grass they’ve eaten to prove how well they’ve fed. They simply digest the food and the results show in the abundance and quality of their wool and milk. Elsewhere, he tells them that a good athlete doesn’t show us his gym equipment to prove he’s sensational- he only has to show us how big his shoulders have gotten.

Our studies in philosophy have to work the same way.

Being able to quote Marcus Aurelius word for word has little value. You could explain the dichotomy of control or fill your notebooks with Seneca but none of it matters if it doesn’t change you fundamentally. If you still get angry, or let panic attacks ruin a great moment. If people’s insults matter to you more than your self-opinion. If you let yourself be a slave to pleasure, or you let the idea of your mortality scare you away from living fully.

Words have to become works.

So here are three ways to practice Stoicism today.

1. Delay your first reaction

Give yourself a few seconds before speaking, replying or acting in response to an irritation.

Ask yourself: Who’s in your control here? Is it you- your thoughts, beliefs or judgments? OR is there a specific set of actions you can take so that you’re not out here fuming and whining?

Do that.

What you’ve just done is turned the dichotomy of control into a practice- where you create a mental space between impulse and action to resolve self-sabotage patterns.

2. Rehearse a difficulty before it happens

Think about your day tomorrow and choose what’s likely to test you, perhaps it’s a recurrent thing at work or home. Maybe it tempts you. Or its criticism disorients you.

Now formulate a plan and thought process that you’ll run when this thing happens.

Seneca advocated for the practice- Premeditatio Malorum- whose wisdom is that if you already consider the difficulties you might face, your mind will find it easier to overcome them- instead of instinctually trying to ram yourself against an immovable reality when surprised by happenings.

3. Choose one small discomfort

Today, give up what you’ve become used or addicted to. Alternatively, do something hard. This could be going without coffee for a week, waking up earlier than your usual hours to read, leaving your phone at home, fasting for 24hrs, or going for a run everyday of the week next week.

The point is to declare to yourself who’s in charge.

You’re teaching yourself that you don’t have to indulge every pleasure. Plus, in hardship, you become confident that you can withstand more than you think. You can get stronger from what feels like it could break you.

Do those three things today and you’ll have practiced more Stoicism than you would by reading another twenty pages about it.

That’s the idea behind our private community, The Stoa.

I’m building it for serious readers- new and experienced- who want to practice and integrate Stoicism as a way of life through weekly challenges, exercises, real-life dilemmas, accountability and rich philosophical discourse that traverses all areas of life. This will be a year long program that only requires little of your time in a day, as you’ll spend most of your day living by the principles.

The goal is to make Stoicism so ingrained in you that you automatically turn to it when you actually need it. That’s the only way it can change your life.

We launch in under two weeks. People on the waitlist will be invited first and receive a special launch discount.

If you want to join the waitlist, reply to this email with the word STOIC and I’ll add you.

With love,

Antonius Veritas, M.D

This essay turns that insight practical. You’ll learn how to persuade without manipulation, read people, ask better questions, resist bad deals, and stay composed when the stakes are high. These are useful skills wherever judgment, leverage, and human nature meet. Let’s get into it.

She let the client unload on her for thirteen minutes. Not once did she interrupt. She sat there, breathing heavily through her nose, nodding like it was deserved. He called her disorganized. He questioned her work ethic. He implied she was lucky he even hired her. She apologized two times- once for the delay and once for “not communicating better.” Then she offered him a discount he hadn’t asked for.

Two weeks later, he stopped responding. No final payment. No explanation. Just silence.

It was a pattern. In her first job, she accepted the salary they offered without much negotiation. She told herself she’d prove her value and renegotiate later. She didn’t. They gave her more work, fewer boundaries, and an assistant she had to train- unpaid. In one of her relationships, she did the same thing: apologized to keep the peace, agreed to what she didn’t want and swallowed the resentment only to choke and make her cry at night. She thought that was maturity. She thought that was strength. That it’s what a good relationship takes.

It’s not.

The cost? Burnout. Underpayment. Chronic tension. People sensed she wouldn’t stand up for herself, so they pushed. Clients delayed payments. Employers withheld raises. Relationships became less fulfilling. She kept trying to be fair- and kept being overlooked.

Perhaps you’re facing the same issue. I know I have in the past. See, negotiation is more than a business skill- it’s the difference between being respected or being used.

In this essay, you’ll learn how to create real cooperation and influence instead of resistance when negotiating. How to use calibrated questions to make others solve the problem for you. How to read a person’s face and posture before they’ve said a word and know when to push or pull back. How to open with “no,” anchor the deal, and get results- without manipulation. The techniques are useful in business, relationships, service settings and job offers. If you’ve ever been steamrolled, low-balled, or sidelined- read on. Negotiation might be what saves you next. By the end, you’ll not only negotiate better. You’ll think better. Speak better. Lead better.

I. Introduction

Every day, you’re negotiating. Whether you recognize it or not. When you ask for a raise. When you set boundaries with a friend. When you argue with your partner, pitch an idea, buy a car, or explain to your team why things need to change. You’re negotiating. The problem is that most people treat negotiation as a one-time event or a last resort- something you prepare for only when it’s labeled a “deal.” But in truth, life is made of these conversations. The more skill you bring to them, the more control you regain over your outcomes.

Most people negotiate poorly. They chase agreement too fast. They talk too much. They mistake dominance for power and confuse silence with weakness. They lean on logic when the game is emotional. The result? They get cornered, lowballed, bulldozed- or worse, they get a false “yes” that inconveniences them later.

The solution is not harder tactics or slick lines. It’s…

Read more

How to Deal With Bullying

I had started laughing at things that weren’t funny. A few months into surgical training will make a clown out of you like that. There’s this one consultant who’d turn your mistakes into entertainment at your expense. You’d miss something during an operation or struggle assisting after a hectic call night and he’d ridicule you instead of correcting you privately. He’d stretch out this embarrassing moment, ask questions he knew you wouldn’t answer, all while ensuring everyone watched and saw you squirming. It was all quite cheesy.

At first, I thought that it was a good idea to join in the laugh. That it was a playful experience for learning. After all, I was being political. Surgery is hierarchical and the training is difficult- you need thick skin. A patient’s life is on the table- which is worth more than your feelings at the moment. I told myself.

Soon it was my turn to get grilled. Too bad you can’t run away when scrubbed, gowned and standing across the table from someone humiliating you. I just wanted the moment to end. Having a reputation for composure, everyone was watching to see how I’d react. Anger would get me in trouble. Acting like a victim would make it worse. So I answered the questions to the best of my ability, laughed off where I got stuck and we moved on.

I didn’t see it as bullying then. That word belonged to schoolchildren. I was a surgeon for pit’s sake. But what I didn’t understand was that bullying persisted into adulthood- having a beard didn’t mitigate it.

Why We Explain Bullying Away

Someone might not steal your lunch at your big age. But bullying can take the form of a colleague gossiping about you. A friend who humiliates you before others and covers it up with the notion that you can’t take a joke. Or a partner who says something cruel and when you react, they accuse you of being dramatic. Sometimes it’s a relative who breaks promises or takes advantage of your politeness because they know you’ll forgive them anyway.

Life has taken you through so much that you can tolerate all of this. But that’s the problem. Just because you can take it. Just because you can run a company, operate on someone, negotiate delicate contracts, or lead an entire team through chaos, doesn’t mean you can’t become subject to helplessness and vulnerability around the hostility of one particular person.

Many times we rationalize the behavior because pointing it out makes it our responsibility to resolve. We’ll have to address it, create conflict, risk being perceived as sensitive- and this is usually uncomfortable.

On Snakes & Their Nature

Aesop tells us of a fable about a farmer who finds a stiff snake, frozen- almost to death. The reptile is helpless. So the kind farmer feels sorry for it. He picks it up and warms it against his body. Luckily, the snake begins to recover. But then something happens. The snake regains its full strength and bites the farmer. He’s appalled. But why? What did he expect? Sure, he had saved the snake’s life but his magnanimity never changed the snake’s nature.

We assume that because we’re kind and ashamed to exploit someone, their gratitude may inspire them toward beauty and restrain selfish behavior. We think they might be merciful to us and kind in turn at some point in the future.

That can happen. Or not happen. That’s why you can’t afford to project your character on other people. It’s naive to think the appearance of goodness obscures the shadow in human behavior. Even priests can be jealous, resentful, opportunistic, cruel. That’s the true nature of the human animal.

Believe People’s Behavior

We give so much grace to those closest to us- relatives, friends, partners, parents, colleagues, mentors. But these labels mean nothing if what we expect of them doesn’t align with their their actions. Someone can’t claim to love you and find myriad ways to make your life miserable. You can’t call someone your friend and they’re out here betraying you. Your family member can’t continue to do bullshit you’d call out from a stranger.

Let not love blind us.

Because in as much you’ll let some things go, when it becomes a pattern it teaches people how to treat you. And they keep taking and taking. Pushing your boundaries until they ruin your life. But who can blame them? You’ve taught them you can tolerate this behavior. And that’s how the relationship dynamic becomes this toxic hell hole.

Which brings us to a central question...

At What Point Does Patience Stop Being a Virtue?

Stoicism may seem like this indifferent philosophy where you put up with everything thrown at you. And to some extent that’s true- if what’s happening is out of your control and no matter what you do there’s no chance of success. Discipline means owning and governing your response, not assisting another person’s injustice through inaction. It’s Marcus Aurelius who said that you can commit an injustice by doing nothing.

In practice, this means allowing yourself to calm down before confronting someone. You forgive and love a person from a distance- with a mental note to never trust them again. You leave when a relationship is unsalvageable.

An intelligent approach to patience means that maybe someone made one mistake. Perhaps they’re ashamed and genuinely trying to change. Maybe the mistake doesn’t warrant the confrontation- it’s not worth your attention. Or you could be working toward a bigger goal and it’s prudent to chew glass at the moment.

This is better than allowing fear to infect your decisions- when you’re not choosing patience consciously.

Learn to Fight Back

Jane Eyre had a difficult childhood. The Reed family always reminded her that she was unloved and unwanted by them. But because she depended on them for food, shelter and security, she tolerates this cruelty.

One day her cousin, John Reed, throws a book at her and injures her. She fights back. But instead of this being a concern for the adults, she’s viewed as the problem. She’s caught, condemned for her behavior and locked away in isolation. Now she has to deal with this ostracization. It even gets to a point where she concludes that maybe she deserves this. But her spirit becomes restless and she gets angry at the realization that the people around her are unjust even if they’re older, more powerful and richer than she is.

Jane is soon sent to Lowood School and there she meets Helen Burns. Helen believes that resentment only serves to damage the person carrying it- hence why she strives to endure unjust punishment without rebellion. Jane sees her virtue and admires her for it- but she knows she can never be like her. She believes that in as much as bitterness can poison your mind, endless submission can deform you invariably. It mutilates your spirit and is a dishonor to yourself.

You could be prone to the same confusion as Jane. But I urge you to fight back. A child has little options, but now in adulthood- you’d be remiss to let the bullshit continue.

The Powers of Adulthood

A more mature approach to bullying involves analyzing what has happened, if it has happened before, what happens if you rebel, if an apology is accompanied by change in behavior and if you’d recommend it for someone you love to tolerate the cruelty.

Then respond proportionately.

You tell someone not to speak to you in a particular manner- even if you’re in the wrong. Perhaps you document what has transpired. You involve someone with more power. Or maybe you reduce contact, leave without explanation.

Things may get worse before they become better.

Some people may become angry at you. You could be accused of being selfish, they may say you’ve changed or guilt trip you by reminding you of everything they’ve done for you. Others may even test you again to see if you were serious. But you must take this practice to the end- it’s good you persevere past the discomfort of enforcing your boundaries.

The only way to guarantee peace is to make the prospect of war seem hopeless.

What I want you to take from this is that there are more options than you imagine. You don’t have to humiliate a person back, explode in rage or keep laughing to be in good social graces. It’s Marcus Aurelius who thought that the best revenge is not to be like the one who did the assault. Don’t become cruel just because someone is, unless in a case immune to diplomacy. And don’t give in to fear and start cooperating with bad actors.

Develop an eye to recognize what’s happening, without becoming suspicious of people, then make the right choice.

Private Stoic Community Update

Reading Stoicism is easy. Living by it when life turns against you is the harder part.

That’s why I’m building a private community for serious readers who want to practice and integrate Stoicism as a way of life through weekly challenges, exercises, real-life dilemmas, accountability and rich philosophical discourse.

We launch in about 16 days. If you want first access and a special launch discount you can lock in, reply to this e-mail with STOIC and I’ll add you to the waitlist. Lifetime Access members get in for free.

^{Ignore if you already sent the reply.}

With Love,

Antonius Veritas, MD.

Previously,

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A Way Through Panic Attacks

His palms got sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy. He felt as if there was an infintie scream echoing through nature. It all felt threatening. He stopped. Aghast. Alert. Trying to process and prepare for it all.

The sky above the little town Kristiania- had turned red.

Edvard Munch, in 1892, felt like he was caught up in a sleep paralysis trance. Nobody else saw the terrifying emergency he was in. His two friends kept walking, oblivious of what he saw.

Soon, he got a hold of himself and followed his friends home. But what he saw that day never left him. It shook him to the core such that he continued to get anxiety attacks, random bouts of illness and debilitating psychological distress. This got increasingly worse and on one occasion he admitted himself to a Copenhagen clinic. In here, he kept painting to stay sane. Art became his salvation. The terrors of his life became material. This is how he got to produced the famous art piece- The Scream (see above).

That’s how panic attacks work. Your body can suddenly turn on you and a simple room, a road or seeing a plane can become an crisis in seconds. Your breath becomes shallow. You feel your heart beat on your throat. Suddenly, diarrhea feels inevitable. And the brain comes in with convincing conclusions- you’re about to faint. You’ll vomit. You’ll lose control. People will notice this and laugh at you.

I’ve seen this happen on the operating table time and time again. My patients will become agitated, certain that something bad is about to happen. They get crazy tachycardia and their blood pressure concerns the anesthesiologist. They repeatedly ask the same questions and seek re-assurance ever so often. Then they hesitantly approve the operation to proceed and a few hours later they wake up and they’re ok- a bit ashamed that they let a childish fear get to them. It turns out they were just suffering more in their minds than the reality they faced.

That’s our first point.

Let The Panic Come

Passengers cried out when a violent storm hit their ship while traversing the Ionian Sea. The ship’s pitching was worrying- it sang the end credits of their lives.

Aulus Gellius noticed and got surprised that the proclaimed Stoic philosopher he was traveling with had suddenly gone pale. And when the next blow died down, a wealthy man in the ship began mocking our Stoic- how tough they made themselves seem. How could a man who preached about self-control and courage look terrified when he met danger? The thing he was always preparing for.

The Stoic pulled out a book with the teachings of Epictetus and explained how our reactions come before judgment. Our body will recoil. It may suddenly become cold. We’ll shiver. Our face will sweat and the stomach will grumble. These first movements affect even the experienced mind.

To make it worse, this feeling worsens because we try to control it. You to try to fight the fact that you’re panicking. You force your heart rate to tone down. You hide your trembling hands from anyone’s view. You constrain the freedom of your breathe. And now your fear is not just against the threat, it has compounded into 3 or 4 more agitations.

According to the Stoics, what mattered most is what follows when we feel like shutting down or running away.

The most prudent move is to keep a straight face to save face while surrendering to the whims of your body. Acknowledge and accept that you might lose your train of thought. You might stammer. Perhaps you’ll feel the need to get to the washroom- fast. Somebody will notice that your voice now has a low pitch- you’re now talking to yourself instead of giving the presentation.

Let it all happen. And keep doing what you’re supposed to do.

We imagine this humiliation will stain our permanent record. But with repeated exposure you notice that no one cares, people cease to see you sweating, life has moved on- you and other people are now worried about something else. The people you fear seeing you at your worst are not even as perfect as you think.

You discover you’ll be ok.

Understand The Underlying Pattern of Panic

William James was worried that a deplorable situation he had witnessed would befall him.

He had spent most of his youth in severe psychological distress and was concerned he’d become like the patient he had seen in an asylum who- was sitting motionless, with his knees tucked against his chest.

His mind became his worst enemy. He’d wake up often because of night terrors. Struggle to be alone in the dark. And the more he stayed a lone with his thoughts, examining their texture- the more frightening and concerned he became to himself.

Then his health started to deteriorate. His career now became uncertain and he obviously became quite nihilistic. Anyone would. He asked himself if human beings had any real freedom at all or it was deterministic that he was doomed to always be tagged hither and thither by forces beyond his control. By this debilitating fear.

Good literature came to his rescue. He came across the beautiful work of Charles Renouvier- the man who defended human freedom in his work. This influenced him to come up with his life philosophy. He wrote in his diary that, “My first act of free will shall be to believe in free will.” He became the captain of his ship.

Of course his fear never went away. But he continued to live and work despite it all. He worked, married, and even built a riveting intellectual career around psychology and philosophy.

The effectiveness of this practice leads us to ask ourselves if what we feel is a product of what’s in front of us or a misplaced recurring thought, a product of a wounded childhood. Maybe you were once judged harshly when you tried to express yourself- that’s why you can’t stand giving a speech. Or maybe a crowded room gives you the feel of being trapped. And perhaps you’re a people pleaser because approval meant you’re safe and disappointment meant danger.

Understanding this deeper connection to your past gives you more empathy for yourself in the situation, helping you overcome the demons.

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Remember You’re Powerful

Remember you have more agency now. Marcus told himself that he has something in him more miraculous than what moves him around like a puppet.

Most of what you fear or react to happened in a period when you had little power to influence your circumstances. You couldn’t have left home to go fend for yourself. You had to submit to authority if you were at the mercy of an abusive figure. The body remembers what happened long after you’ve grown all big and able.

But you must realize you now have choices. Leave the situation. Say no. Ask for help. Tell people to go fuck themselves. Resist stupid opinions. Speak your mind. Walk out of the meeting, the job, the relationship.

Repeat to yourself how much power you possess as often as possible- you have more than you think.

Stop Excluding Yourself

Cicero’s enemies waited on him to make mistakes in his speech. This became worse when his fame and success grew- the powerful Roman elites were watching and his work was becoming increasingly consequential. Just imagine the pressure he had before he made a major political appearance.

He worked anyway. He became one of Rome’s greatest speakers anyway.

He made sure not to think nervousness meant he didn’t belong.

Parties don’t always mean people accept you. Dates don’t only mean you’re desirable. Presentations don’t only mean you’re intelligent. And mistakes don’t mean you’ve been exposed as an imposter- I believe you’ve put in the work.

Allow people to think badly of you sometimes. You’ll one day look foolish to someone. Others may misunderstand you. You’ll disappoint someone. Or give a poor performance. But you must keep it light at heart. Have a sense of humor with it. Focus on what you control- your choices, judgements, actions.

As I always say, you’re a legitimate child of the universe.

Take the Catastrophe to Its End

In the end nothing matters.

Nihilistic as this may seem, Marcus Aurelius grounded himself in the fact. He’d imagine centuries earlier, in the age of Vespasian, where people got married, raised children, fought, complained, worried about money and their status.

These folks died.

Then another generation experienced similar conditions- they loved, schemed, fought, worried and believed they had colossal problems.

They also died.

This to say that over the scale of time, whatever terrifying or embarrassing thing you feel engulfing you right now won’t matter in 3 days, a week, a month. These people will eventually die, and with it their memory of your embarrassing moments. You’ll also die, and your problems right with you. I’ve never witnessed a dying patient worrying about some embarrassing thing they did 15yrs ago. Let mortality help you step out of the microscopic view of things.

This should free you. You can afford to fail. Or lose some aura- unlike fear informs you otherwise.

Keep Entering Life Boldly

He became sick with dread. The famous actor, Laurence Olivier, developed severe stage fright at the peak of his career. Imagine being considered one of the greatest actors alive and you’re suddenly afraid you’ll forget your lines. He even told his fellow actors during The Merchant of Venice to avoid looking directly into his eyes because it would overstimulate him. This state lasted for years. But Olivier kept returning to the stage. Acting. Doing what he was supposed to do.

And that’s what I want us to learn as the final lesson.

Avoidance works to mitigate a triggering situation. The problem is that you train your mind to cower from any anxiety inducing situation. You skip the party and your mind settles. You turn down a speaking opportunity. You cancel the flight and feel relieved. But fear controls you.

Soon you’re missing out on your life. You’re living a smaller life than is fulfilling for someone of your stature.

So keep facing yourself. Keep practicing what we’ve talked about today. That’s the only way out.

Previously,

I receive messages like these often (identity concealed for privacy),

I’ve dealt with my fair share of the same troubles.

I used to lie to my friends about why I didn’t want them coming over.

I’d say, “The house is a mess,” or “My uncle’s working late and might get cranky.” The truth? I never knew what version of him I’d get. Sometimes he’d be quiet and dismissive, sometimes he’d talk too much, ask invasive questions, and make everyone uncomfortable. But the worst days were when it was just me and him.

He never hit me. That’s what made it harder to explain. But he had this way of making me feel small. Like I owed him something for living there. For eating his food. For sitting on his couch. He’d say things like, “Don’t walk around like you own the place,” or “You should be more grateful. You think your dad would’ve done half of this?”

Every little thing turned into a fight. A dirty dish in the sink. A tone in my voice. Once, he picked a fight because I bought my own shampoo. “What, mine’s not good enough for your hair?”

I started disappearing. Staying late at school. Saying yes to every sleepover. Spending entire dinners trying not to breathe too loud. And still—it was never enough. He’d find new ways to poke, to push, to wear me down.

For the longest time, I thought I was the problem. I thought maybe I just wasn’t trying hard enough to keep the peace. But peace with people like that? It’s impossible. You keep bending, and they keep pushing.

I didn’t have the words back then. But I do now. And if you’ve ever been stuck in a situation like that, where love feels like walking on eggshells, this might give you the tools to finally name it, deal with it, and move differently.

Sometimes it’s romantic relationships. They start well. Our potential partners seem intelligent, even charming. You’re flattered by their attention—drawn into long conversations, texts that feel like a sublime connection, and the sense that you’ve finally met someone who gets you. But then the air gradually changes. You find yourself second-guessing your words, apologizing more than usual, defending yourself against things you never said or meant. You feel drained after every interaction, but guilty if you pull away. The more you try to explain yourself, the more confused you get. Somehow, you’re always the one at fault.

That’s the trap of the high conflict personality, what most people casually refer to as “toxic.” But unlike difficult people who frustrate us occasionally, these individuals create a pattern of chaos that doesn’t go away. They manufacture conflict and thrive in it. And more dangerously, they often appear harmless at first.

So who are these people?

“Toxic” isn’t a clinical term, but in the work of Bill Eddy—a lawyer, therapist, and mediator who’s spent decades navigating divorce courts, custody battles, legal conflicts, and mediation rooms—these people fall under a behavioral category called High Conflict Personalities (HCPs). HCPs aren’t always mentally ill, but they are compulsively disruptive. They repeat the same emotional loops in every environment they enter: blame, distortion, projection, escalation, crisis, and manipulation. And they don’t change, because they don’t self-reflect. They externalize blame so effectively that you’ll often find yourself the one apologizing while they double down.

I want to warn you that this essay isn’t about changing toxic people. It’s not about forgiving them, fixing them, or turning the other cheek until you’re too exhausted to stand. It’s about defending your peace by seeing the signs early. It’s about knowing when to walk away, how to hold your ground, and how to communicate in ways that protect your time, energy, and identity. It’s about prevention when possible, adaptation when necessary, and survival — always.

The strategies that follow are built on what works in real-world conflict—when courts are involved, families are split, and reputations are under siege. They are drawn from the life’s work of someone who’s resolved thousands of these cases, and they are practical enough to use starting today. We’ll look at,

1. What Makes Someone “Toxic”?

2. How to Identify the Different Types of Toxic People & Partners

3. How to Avoid Toxic Relationships Early

4. How to Handle Toxic Family Members When You Can’t Leave

5. The 4 Rules for Dealing With Toxic People (with Practical Examples)

6. How to Leave Toxic People Strategically

You can’t save asshats. But you can stop losing yourself to them.

Previously,

II. What Makes Someone Toxic?

Not everyone who frustrates you is toxic. Some people are simply irritating, inconsistent, emotionally immature. But there’s a different category of a person who doesn’t just drain your patience—they distort your reality. These are the ones who twist narratives, hijack conversations, assign blame, and walk away from every shattered relationship with a clean conscience and a new enemy. They are what Bill Eddy calls High Conflict Personalities, people who don’t just cause conflict, but need it to function.

They repeatedly make other people’s lives worse by default.

There are four behavioral signatures that define a toxic person. First is…

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How to Get Stupidly Luckier

The most successful orthopedic surgeon in this country is often described as lucky.

It’s easy to see why. When he was a General Surgery resident, professors from different specialties wanted him to drop everything and major in their cadre. Neurosurgeons, Urologists, Cardiothoracic surgeons- everyone. Then he got a chance to…

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How to Live Long-Term With Trauma

In 1793, he became deaf after the fever passed.

At forty six, Francisco Goya had gotten a terrible illness. A worse time for a rising artist to be in this desolate state.

But he continued painting.

Then Napoleon invaded Spain. Madrid revolted- and its soldier’s brains painted the streets. Goya witnessed the cruelty of war- the executions, mutilations, the following famine- and was heartbroken by it all. He recorded all this in The Disasters of War- prints so grim they were hidden from public view.

War did end. But nothing was ever peaceful after that.

Goya soon befell political injustice. And by the time he sought to get himself out of the sticky situation, he was old with deathly hollows he couldn’t forget or rationalize at the back of his mind. His recourse was some solitude- to buy himself a farmhouse in the outskirts of Madrid called the Quinta del Sordo or (The House of the Deaf Man).

The only way to express himself was to paint his nightmares on the walls of his house. Paintings like Saturn devouring his son, two men battering each other while sinking into the earth and a dog’s head sloping down a brown vale were products of this troubled time. His favorite dinner place was the one beneath Saturn.

It’s easy to run to the conclusion that Goya was consumed by the darkness he spent most of his life witnessing. But nothing could be further from the truth. Art was his salvation. He drew, painted portraits, and planned his work- daily.

Unfortunately, another political uprising arose. New danger arrived and in 1824 he saw it fit to leave the country at 78 and move to Bordeaux. He left the haunted house and left everything that mattered to him in there- even the paintings that have now become famous. What a tragedy for a deaf and elderly man!

Many people would have wished for death at this point. Given his work, he had earned it. He had lived. But this man defied the odds. He began learning lithography. And after some years of practice he drew an elderly man moving on two sticks, and underneath he wrote- Aún aprendo. I’m still learning.

At every moment, despite what he suffered in his head- he always chose his way forward, never letting the darkness be an excuse not to live, make something of himself.

I fell into the trap of thinking recovery was this thing where something painful happens, you get why it happened and empathize with the people who made it happen- you talk about it with someone and somehow things get back to how they were, you get back to being the same person you were.

But as we know in surgical practice, any wound you encounter never leaves the skin as before. It granulates, new skin forms around it, may become tender at times, but we still consider it healed. Our minds are the same.

You could be having the time of your life and then a sudden wave of loneliness, sadness or the pain of rejection hits you and you’re back to where you started. You might even get frustrated, thinking you haven’t made any progress. Thinking that the philosophy doesn’t work. And that’s why Marcus Aurelius always reminded himself that Stoicism had to be a practice because when we get punched in the face by life, we won’t suddenly become disciplined and composed- we’ll fall back to our baseline habits.

That’s why the best question to ask ourselves at all times is, How can I equip myself to live with this at any given moment?

create a supportive lyfestyle

No one knew how to live with suffering like William Cowper.

He could break apart often due to psychological distress. Even got into periods where he didn’t want to get on with any of it. The he’d endure, it’d pass and he’d find a way into ordinary life again.

He could have fallen into the illusion that he was finally ok. But he knew better. The darkness would return.

Mary Unwin, his widowed friend, knew his ups and downs well enough to stay with him when life became grey again. She cared for him. They settled in Olney where they practiced gardening, built a greenhouse and he wrote beautiful letters in it during summer. He even domesticated 3 hares he called Puss, Tiney, and Bess who humored him with their personalitites.

As expected, he got the blues again, but the garden was still there- he had built a practice around it, feeding the animals and Mary helped him push through. He was never a lone. Cowper did even get into writing, basing his magnus opus, The Task, on the ordinariness of life- like writing a poem about the sofa in his parlor.

The depressive episode ended and returned again. That’s how he lived.

There was never a secret code guaranteeing he’d never suffer again. But he was wise enough to cultivate stable ground on which to perch upon. That’s why its prudent to base our lives off the bad months, when we rarely feel like ourselves.

We ought to commit to the minimum of manageable responsibilities like- making breakfast, a short run, watering plants- do work that energizes us, keep fun and good friends around us, and adjust our activities to our energy levels. This way, our lives do not spiral at the behest of storms of broken relationships, crazy work pressure, sleep deprivation and painful memories. It’s good if our lives become a source of refuge- not strain us further.

With this structure in place, then we’ll have enough mind-space to practice what Epictetus taught us, about examining the thoughts and impressions we get before surrendering to them which helps us manage trauma when old fears, childhood conclusions and rejections try to paint monsters from harmless incidences in our moment to moment lives. This way your mind gets strong and trustworthy enough to steer you back to the shore.

A bit of self-promo before we continue- I’m in the final stages of editing The Stoic Manual: Meditations on the Art of Living, a collection of 150 practical Stoic meditations covering many problems we deal with in our modern lives. It’ll be released soon and included free for all Annual and Lifetime paid members. Meanwhile, access my other books here.

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reduce your commitments

Charles Darwin often became sick in his 30s, making travel, crowds, long social activities and his work almost impossible. He persisted but life became increasingly unbearable. And in 1842 he had had enough and decided to move, together with his family, to Down House in Kent countryside. Here, he’d be free from the overstimulation of his social life now that he had become famous. He made a short gravel path called the Sandwalk where he’d walk repeatedly while pondering his ideas. And he protected his office hours with intermissions of much needed rest.

But there was another problem. He had chosen an ambitious project. He was curious to understand how species evolved across generations and this needed several years of observation, correspondence, analysis, reading, writing and revision. Perhaps it was good that he was free from the exciting limelight.

He created a stable routine around his constraints and preferences while minding his body and he did this for 40 years. 40 years saying no, working on his idea for a few hours, resting and starting again the next day. There’s little glamour about this life but in the end his work changed Biology as we know it.

Safe to say, make your life easier if you need to. There’s no shame. Move to a quiet place. Take up less commitments. Spend less time with people who derail you or disturb your peace. Stop allowing distractions, messages, calls, invitations and emergencies to defeat your aspirations for the day.

Because in as much as ambition has its perks, achievement and attention feel good and status births countless opportunities- you still have to keep up with all of it. People suddenly want something from you, others are envious, you’re less freer, more fearful of losing what you’d rather protect and you might suddenly discover that this isn’t how you’d like to live.

It’s Seneca telling his friend Serenus- who had overcome his inner battle but still felt unfulfilled and deeply unhappy. He felt like an invalid who had recovered from an illness only to continue feeling as if they were feverish. How unsettling! He told Serenus to choose his obligations carefully, finish the work he had chosen meticulously, spend time with his friends and alternate work with a worthy solitude- reading & practicing philosophy. When life felt uneasy, he’d return to this practice. This was what the Stoics called euthymia- or being able to be in good terms with ourselves, the goal being so that nothing could affect us more than was necessary.

surround yourself with people who understand

It’s not rocket science that in 1917, after the war, British officers found it difficult to sleep, some got tremors and terrible anxiety, while others experienced constant nightmares. Brave men who had endured the trenches, artillery and faced near-death found themselves incapable of ordinary life.

People would say the soldiers were weak. But the psychiatrist W. H. R. Rivers thought different. He listened to them and advised them not to suppress what happened or what they felt but instead to speak about it, write about it and understand the connection between what happened and how they were living at the moment.

One day, another officer, Siegfried Sassoon, who had survived combat and won the military cross got sent to Craiglockhart, the post-war hospital. That’s where he met Wilfred Owen who was psychologically wounded and had found solace in writing poetry about the war. Sassoon read his work and encouraged him to continue writing.

They related to each other on a deeper level about the experiences of war that nobody other than those who had served would understand. Neither of them would need further explanation on why a sound, dream, memory or words in a conversation would bring war back into a room.

But one day war broke out again and Owen had to go fight.

Unfortunately he was killed in France just before the Armistice. Sassoon survived and he had to live with the trauma for another 50 years. He wrote about it all, read books, spent time in the garden and village cricket in Wiltshire. The traumatic life of the trenches still haunted him, but he found a way to live despite them.

That’s why surrounding ourselves with people who’ve had similar experiences to us can be life-changing. You don’t have to keep explaining yourself or why you feel what you feel. Therapy also serves a related purpose, giving you a stage to analyze, question and reorganize what your mind learned during danger.

I want us to build and see more life from the despair we find ourselves in. To find solace in nature, art and restore adequate proportion in our problems. I want us to stop giving in to outrage, disappointing news we don’t have control over and give up rotting our brains with social media. Of course this will take time. But that’s the way.

P.S: This is my work on relationships, touching issues closest to us, and how to navigate their ups and downs from a Stoic perspective,

The Necessity of Conflict

Surgeons know that helping someone also means first having to cut them open.

There was a time, when assisting in a spine case, I wondered how crazy it is that in order to relieve this patient’s pain- we had to inflict assault to his body. There was the scalpel cutting his skin open, the crude bone nibbler removing bone, a drill pushing screws into the bone and the lying unmoving in one position for hours- it was all quite gruesome. And if it weren’t for the pain meds, the patient would have ended up feeling worse than before during post-op. Much worse. But this procedure had to happen- to start the healing journey the patient had to go through it.

Our lives are much the same. Yes, we desire to connect with people. To laugh and have fun with them. To make them feel comfortable, loved, happy. Those are good intentions. But trying to be like that all the time begets many sins whose consequences we come to regret later.

Where Conflict Avoidance Begins

Edmund Gosse, writer of the book Father and Son, wrote a memoir about his experience growing up as the only child of a famous naturalist who was also a stout devotee of a religious cult. This was the kind of environment where honesty came with a cost- his natural doubts about God would bring him a load of shaming, endless prayers and threats about going to hell. That’s where he learned how to be agreeable.

One day, as any naughty boy does trying to test his limits- he began praying to a chair to see what would happen. Nothing did. He repeated a couple more times just to be sure. God didn’t strike him down. This remained his secret for years to come. And the book ends with him having reclaimed his ability to think for himself and choose how to live his life. He discovered free will.

People pleasers suffer from a chronic version of this. We’ve tried the same rebellion at some point in our lives, but it came with much dire consequences and an obtuse understanding that honesty, conflict and living true to our inner desires is a bad thing. It’s therefore important to scrutinize our thoughts whenever we can’t say ‘no’ without explaining ourselves because we don’t know whose influence is controlling our lives and whether they deserve to do so at this mercurial scale.

Avoidance is Expensive

We lead lives laden with conflict. Perhaps there’s a relationship you need to end and hurt a person in the process. A job you need to quit and disappoint your father. A child who needs some rules enforced even though they’ll come to hate you for it. Or even a friend who needs to hear the truth even though it’ll disappoint them. Waiting won’t make it hurt any less.

Samuel Johnson had lived an unremarkable and sad life before his fame and success. Lord Chesterfield, the rich man in his time, largely ignored him and his advances to apprentice under him. Through poverty and grief he ignore him. Until he wrote the first dictionary in the history of English language. Now Chesterfield wanted to praise him for his work, publishing two essays, angled toward taking credit as the one behind it.

Johnson couldn’t stand this hypocrisy. He wrote that a patron is someone who watched you struggle alone in water, and only after reaching land does he now come to ‘help’ you. What a shithead! The letter injured Chesterfield’s pride and ruined the relationship- given that our writer would have benefited from his wealth and power, but at least Johnson faced the situation courageously- and he got to keep his self-respect.

Be The Purple Thread

There’s a philosopher Epictetus admired- a senator working under the dictator Nero. His name was Agrippinus. Now, attending the emperor’s theatrical performances had become a loyalty test. You had to show up or you’d be considered legible for a mysterious murder. Agrippinus didn’t burge. Someone asked him why he put himself at risk like this. He retorted that he wanted to be the purple strip in a garment, which gives it its allure, rather than be the plain white thread that most people were- bunch of losers.

Epictetus follows with another story of Helvidius Priscus, who had been ordered by the emperor Vespasian not to attend a senate meeting. He went anyway. He was then warned that he shouldn’t speak his mind, else he’d be killed- he told them that he’d speak as he saw fit, his job was to tell the truth. And when questioned if he wasn’t scared of being murdered- he told them he wasn’t immortal anyway. Badass!

We all face a version of this. Our friend might get sad, our mother’s guilt may cripple us, our partner may get an awful day, and it’s not easy to endure any of this. But people need to know where you stand. Character means nothing if it breaks under stress. This is what the Greeks called parrhesia or speaking freely. Only through this candidness can you get true affection and belonging. All else is fakery.

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How to Grow Up

Cicero once criticized Cato, claiming he spoke as if he lived in Plato’s Republic and not the dregs of Rome.

Cato could be rigid and frustrating, even to his friends and allies. And that’s because he had decided that it was worth the price to pay rather than play nice and lose his moral ground.

Someone will be disappointed in you and you’ll survive. They’ll not beat you up. You don’t eat at their house. Your father might get ashamed of your decisions. Your friend might be hurt by your move. And even someone you love might not get the strategy behind your deeds. Still, their reactions are not the final judge to the validity and worth of your actions. Sometimes your path only has to make sense to you.

In the end, the stubbornness of this idea did cost Cato. But it’s prudent to still learn from his steadfastness. It’s also important to reconsider our position, listen to people and apologize if we’ve hurt them in some way. Otherwise, we lose what we love dearly- as Cato lost his Rome.

A better measure of if we’re having good conflict is whether the discomfort we feel is moving us toward a better ideal and happier relationships or it’s just damaging us. Peace comes from having a good character, maintaining that- and having clear cut boundaries of what we want and don’t. Of what’s good and isn’t.

My other work on the Relationship Series,

I was distraught when my sister fell ill. But I still had to function back at the hospital, still had to smile at people, carry on. I learned to cope with this event in a most unusual way.

Suddenly, the wells of empathy inside me opened up. I felt profound love and openness to everyone I met. I wondered what silent battles they were fighting back home, what bad news they had just received, what despair weighed on them as they chased life-changing dreams with all the right qualifications and skills, and still found every door shut.

I grew more intentional with kindness. To pacify and tell anyone I met they would be ok. I felt more love toward those I loved, more patience, grace, and kindness toward anyone who made a mistake, toward those who wronged me, and even toward those I disliked — even if only from a distance. I was them and they were me; I could see and connect with them through the painful human condition we share but are courageous and humorous enough to bear.

The least I could do was be considerate, compassionate, buy someone lunch, encourage them, give more benefit of doubt, tell some jokes, buy my lover flowers that I took the pains to assort and personalize myself, complement something I liked about a stranger or friend that day — anything but not add to any suffering they could be going through.

You never know how much hope and light you’ve restored in a person struck by angst — I know I needed the smiles, laughs, kindness and consideration I got while braving the sad event, I know my sister needed the positivity I’d extend to her. Paradoxically, I felt better embodying this attitude. It was a bittersweet experience.

We can’t let our pain callous us to the suffering of others. If we can do something good, we do it. We make the small circle around us better — and somehow, that work, that attention to others, becomes a balm for our own grief, even if that’s not why we do it. Cynicism, resentment, and rage do nothing but sharpen the knives already twisting inside us. It’s that quote by Charles Bukowski saying,

“We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

We can’t afford to wait for the haunting, reflective moments in the night, unable to sleep, “beyond the reach of warm milk and phenobarbital,” Joan Didion talked about, where we regret losing our temper, where we wish we were a bit kinder — or worse, wish we hadn’t been cruel to those who were nothing but good to us.

Previously,

Her father said he wouldn’t attend her wedding.

The great author, Charlotte Brontë- writer of the riveting Jane Eyre, was getting married to Arthur Bell Nicholls, her father’s assistant. A man who...

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Reasons Not to Give Up

There’s a lot to glean from my favorite painting by Adriaen Coorte called Gooseberries on a Table (1701). See above. It’s a simple painting yeah. There’s no pomp, or theatrics or expensive Tupperware holding the grapes. It’s also quite small actually- measuring 29.7 x 22.8 cm, which is about the size of a printer paper, illuminating mildly translucent and red to pink berries on a dark background. And pleasantly, that’s the point.

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The ordinariness of this painting is what’s most charming about it.

He cloned the same concept on various paintings, where he showcased strawberries, shells or asparagus- you know, what we see often but pay little mind to. And just as we do, he mostly went uncelebrated back in his day. But today millions of people have spent countless hours in a museum enjoying the Gooseberries.

His point was that we spend time and resources buying into consumerism and grand events to make life feel worthwhile, yet what we need to keep going is right in our faces. And it’s a sad tragedy that we miss it.

On Art & Its Abundance As Therapy

What’s happening to us also happened in the vast of European history. Many painters got paid by wealthy clients to portray the aura of commanders, epic battles and sacred saints. But Coorte stuck to his boring divine style to help us focus on what matters most.

Marcus Aurelius often reminded himself of the beauty in the foaming mouth of a boar, the cracks on a loaf of bread as we bake it, the splitting open of ripe figs and stalks of ready grain bending the wheat under their weight. His life was in every bit chaotic- talk about pandemics, betrayal by his best friend, death of his children, going to war- but he grounded himself in these tiny ordinary details.

For it’s a mistake to keep digging at a hard problem when you can just choose to look away for a bit. Go for a run in nature. Take a walk by the beach chasing the escaping sun. Watch some funny cat videos. Trust me, it’ll be ok.

‘Unselfing’ is a word that Iris Murdoch coined. She was looking out of a window one day, all angry and muddled with wounded pride when she noticed a rather beautiful kestrel flying by her window. She describes the moment as having helped her get her head out of her ass. She no longer thought of herself or her troubles and there was a sense of relief in that.

There are countless moments like this in your life as well, I believe. Look back to when you had a frustrating day or perhaps the blues were hitting you pretty hard and at this rock bottom you hear a song you haven’t heard in a long time, or you eat a savory meal or you come across a nice flower or you pass by a place with a really cool aesthetic. For a few minutes you feel transported out of yourself. And from this revelation is a reminder you can always tuck tight close to you for when life gets sad and despair feels like the only option available- that whatever agony you’re feeling is not final, this is not the only experience available to you. Undress the veil.

Tiny Reasons To Go On

With that, you won’t ever need a crazy breakthrough to feel better. I know life is bleak enough and it has probably battered your optimism. What I want you to focus on is the little stars of hope twinkling in the darkness. Find these sweet gooseberries in the foliage of an ordinary life and treat each one as a sign to go on- to wake up and try again tomorrow. That’s what will get us out of this.

Seneca, in letter 78 once admitted that he considered committing suicide because he was suffering a lot from his illness. However, he thought about his father, now quite elderly and how he wouldn’t be able to handle the loss of his son. So he decided to live in light of him. Still battling with this situation, he even wrote that, “sometimes it’s an act of bravery even to live.” There’s nothing truer. But he didn’t do it alone. What kept him going, other than his dear father, was reading this beautiful philosophy, hanging out with his friends and discussing poignant ideas with them. He found life in the ordinary.

Even our illustrious painter Van Gogh, once living in an asylum in Saint-Remy, heard that he was going to have a nephew. He found new meaning by painting the renowned Almond Blossom for this child making the early flowering almond tree elegantly illustrate a blossoming new life. It gave him some happiness.

And our young sweet Anne Frank who spent 2 years hiding from the cruel germans in a secret annex often looked out through the attic to see the bright sky, birds and a chest nut tree and often wrote about this scene as we see in her diary given it was the only pleasant thing of the outside world available in her vision.

All this to say that- in the worst of circumstances, enjoying the charm and awe of the beauty available to us can help us persevere what’s needed from us. And resist what harms us. This can take the form of the brown eyes in your spouse, a hot shower you’re looking forward to, a piece of work you want to create, coffee, a concert you’d like to attend, a book by your favorite author, your child or even your hilarious disabled pet.

Some of our problems may need harsh treatment, or the healing power of time. Or maybe precise decisions. Granted. Be patient. Find ways for things to work out. And don’t let pain surprise you. The paintings of Coorte never lost their vibrance or beauty waiting for us to find them and celebrate him 300 years later. Similarly, you’ll find a thing or two to hold on to as you go about your day. Welcome it. Let it penetrate and affect you- give you hope and joy. That’s all you need for now.

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I’ve wanted to wrote this piece for the longest time since watching The Odyssey by Chris Nolan. I’m excited for you to read it. And I hope you enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

Odysseus and the Dangers of Pleasure

They came back crying.

Odysseus sent some of his men to an island on his way back to Ithaca and their bravery got tested on a rather trifling scale. At least they saw the cyclops coming. But this time, the locals were welcoming and quite generous. They were looking for food and found it they did. Plenty. Even the lotus flower. Unfortunately. And as with all free pleasures, it came with a cost.

The men now didn’t want to get back on their sea voyage. The journey back home seemed too crazy, tiring and riddled with much unnecessary danger. Why not just settle on this beautiful island where they had everything rather than risk their lives for nothing, no guarantee?

Bereft of any other option, Odysseus sought to force these warriors- turned- children back to the odyssey. They threw tantrums. Grown men cried. But our hero knew better than to allow them to persist in this deplorable state any longer. They had to get back on the mission, even if it meant tying them steadfast on their rowing benches.

It’s weird isn’t it? Put yourself in these men’s shoes and you might wonder if Odysseus is depriving them of something essential, something special, pleasurable- being callous.

It’s like all the work they did to fight monsters and brave the cold, the hunger, no longer meant something. There’s no desire to go back home.

Now let’s look at our own lives. I’m sure you’ve felt so tired and overwhelmed by the work ahead of you that you just want a break, a vacation, or perhaps a few days partying and disconnected from the eternal pushing of the work boulder.

You might sleep in for a couple of days, watch a few more reels before bedtime or pour yourself one more glass of wine. And, granted, that’s good if you do it once in a while. The problem comes when you do it again and again the next day, and the next until the habit creeps up on you and now you can’t stand engagement with anything mildly boring, hard or one that takes time.

Epictetus once told his student that it’s normal for passengers, once a ship alights on the shore, to pick up a shellfish or two, enjoy the ambience and maybe rest up for a while. But the journey must continue. When it’s time to go you must leave everything you’re doing and get back on the ship or you’ll be left behind with no way back.

Here, he was trying to ease us into the idea of death, to enjoy the shore while we’re there but trust the grand destiny of our journey. Cool cars, good food, beautiful women, mind-blowing entertainment, more money than you could ever use- are good to enjoy and make the most out of. But we must never forget our mission- the promises we owe ourselves, our loved ones and the community at large.

We can’t fall into the trap of the lotus.

rest or languishing?

Helen used to mix nepenthe, an analgesic for the mind and soul, with wine to ease Telemachus and Menelaus from their painful memories. This concoction offered momentary escape from grief and sadness but unlike the lotus eaters, they didn’t let it engulf their lives, they found their way back to reality.

The greeks knew life wouldn’t stop it’s assaults just because we’re on top of things. They knew we’re human. Sometimes we need a drink. Sometimes we do need to sleep in. But we ought to act in such a way that it doesn’t neuter our energy for the next day, or let the search for our fix affect our work, and the way we love or think.

We don’t want to chase endless pleasure only to become endlessly irritated and frustrated because our fix is no longer scratching the itch just because we’ve become so desensitized to it.

I know. I know. Even Tennyson understood it. You feel like you deserve the break. You’ve worked too hard, suffered for long. You’ve spent sleepless nights wondering when it’ll end or become easier. Surely, there must be some point where you get to let go of the strictness, enjoy yourself.

It makes sense. Maybe you’re just exhausted or burnt out. And perhaps what we need is help, lesser work or some time away from it all.

But we must beware of endless recovery sessions. We must revisit the idea of work as essential to our joy and well-being. For the only point where it ends is when we die. Otherwise, it’s daily struggle and little glimpses of respite. Not to sound depressive. But to try to usher in you the idea that pressure can be joyous, hard work can be fulfilling, suffering can be meaningful- and we can take our breaks and get back to it, of course with some dread, but without losing our minds- crying, devastated. I want us to imagine the age old idea by Camus- to imagine Sisyphus happy.

on the dangers of success

Seneca, the cool and wealthy Stoic, once left his vacation from Baiae (Monaco of back in the day) immediately- a town filled with so much fun and parties because he felt it threatened his ability to practice philosophy. Prominent people in Rome came here to escape the demands of office life, much like our corrupt politicians.

Even though he had made progress in being disciplined and wise, he knew our environment has much influence on our character. If he were here today, he’d say you’re as fit as the contents in your fridge. That’s why after a week, he removed himself from the situation because he reckoned he might have to fight more than he needed trying to resist the abundance of daily pleasures. He feared the inevitability of becoming soft.

Again, Seneca once made fun of another wealthy Roman called Vatia whom a flock of women desired and men wished would be him. They professed that he was the only one who knew how to live. But when our philosopher passed near his house, he would let on his condolences saying, “Here lies Vatia.” Because yeah, Vatia was living a life full of plunder, but his entire essence was reduced to that inglorious life of serving pleasure. How sad? Having no color, no struggle or peak moments in life. Just paying stupid bills.

Imagine not being there for your friends just because they would disrupt your leisurely routine. Or neglecting an argument with your partner when you know it could bring you guys closer just because you don’t like being uncomfortable. Or letting your dream remain so just because you don’t want to do whatever is necessary to get it.

This is why it’s prudent to be more careful of success and indulgent of failure. Otherwise, we destroy ourselves by becoming soft and weak. It’s Marcus Aurelius, commander of legions and wealthiest man in the world in his time, warning himself not to become Caesarified. Because it’s how you come not to tolerate inconveniences, be allergic to correction or dreaming bigger or doing what’s necessary or pivoting a business because you fear loss in status or the upfront effort it’ll take.

We can’t run away from the discomfort that made us who we are, that brought us this far.

on useful distractions

I must admit that sometimes I like to watch something interesting on Youtube while I eat. It could be about a new business tool or a review of a car I have no intention of buying. And then someone calls me and the connection gets interrupted or I have to go back to work and I feel more annoyed than due proportion. That’s how I know that not all distractions feel shameful.

The sirens in our lives, just like in the Odyssey, promise to quench our intellectual curiosity or give us some mind-blowing idea about this and that, but in reality it’s all a trap. We gather all this information but we never use it. We never change our lives, become better people, or achieve our goals. All we do is accumulate, feel proud and remain stagnant.

And that’s why this is another form of insidious pleasure that we should take care not to fall victim to because on the outside it looks admirable. Anyone respectable does it. Why shouldn’t we indulge?

Don’t get me wrong. Reading is important. It’s what enables me to write you these essays. But it can’t stop there. Let the information you read reflect in your daily life. Research, preparation, and learning can’t be the end all be all. We can’t avoid the depths and the saccharine bounty of real life. Of doing cool stuff.

And on the other side of the coin, work can’t be everything- we can’t use it as an excuse not have an active and wholesome life. Fix your relationships, lose some weight or face your demons while you’re at it. Life is more. So much more.

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create your non-negotiables

Odysseus does a very interesting thing when he faces the sirens. He reckons that he’ll want to hear the enchanting siren songs and so he tells his crew to tie him to the ship’s mast and not to listen to him even if he begs for release. He’s aware of his irrational desires yet he puts measures in place to ensure he doesn’t compromise himself or his crew.

I wish more of us were the same. Because we set aside a resolution on Sunday evening to hit the gym the next morning but day breaks and we negotiate until the window to act closes. We pledge to save more money, or rather spend it on more useful things, but after two days- after a bad day- we’re online putting some stuff we think we deserve on the cart.

Of course it doesn’t work when we do things this way. The key, just as Seneca left Baiae or Epictetus set his attention on the ship, is to not need willpower to do whatever we need to do. The key is to make things easier for ourselves. Prepare for the workout before the next day or plan to meet a friend so you can stay accountable. Create a budget for the things you like, save for the expensive ones and track your expenses beforehand. It also helps to be more specific with our rules. For example, we can’t just say we need to drink less- the best move is to cap ourselves to three drinks. Then do the same for what you’re avoiding- be brutal and specific about where you’re wasting time, about why you’re avoiding a piece of work so that there’s no room for negotiation or for things to continue slipping by you.

Sure, getting back on your voyage will be hard. You’ll perhaps regret every moment. You’ll be angry. Or wail like the men of Odysseus, but get back on the path you must- because you get stronger, it gets easier, and your desire to want to push yourself, to do better, to experience a life larger than you’re currently living will come back. I promise you.

One day you’ll voluntarily pick up the oar and get back to Ithaca, as is your destiny. It’ll all make sense soon enough.

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There were days when my phone didn’t buzz once unless it was a food app alert or a work reminder. I’d leave the hospital and walk home past crowded restaurant patios, watching groups of friends lean in close, laughing in that easy, unthinking way that comes from years of knowing each other. I didn’t…

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Welcome! The Stoics wanted us to live flourishing, happy lives. But they also knew, just like the Lotus eaters in Homer’s Odyssey, there were many temptations (read: obstacles) to this ideal. One of that is addiction. And on today’s piece, my work as a Medical Doctor empowers me to provide you with practical tools, based on current Neuroscience research, to overcome whatever addiction that could be ailing you.

Practical Tools to Understand & Conquer Addiction

Addiction has evolved.

It’s about drugs and alcohol- plus now the never-ending reels in social media, the binge-watching marathons, and the highly processed foods.

These dopamine-driven habits do more than just waste your time- they’ll control your decisions, break your relationships and steal your freedom.

Dopamine, the brain’s chemical for reward and motivation, is driving this epidemic.

Dr. Anna Lembke, the Professor and Medical Director of Addiction Medicine in Stanford University School of Medicine, reveals that…

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Welcome! This piece examines how toxic femininity and masculinity can turn relationships into contests over sacrifice, work, ambition, and who gives more. Stoic philosophy offers a better standard- duty, fairness, gratitude, discipline, and respect for the different roles two people may carry. The aim is to understand how resentment grows and how couples can build a relationship where both lives are taken seriously for maximum joy and fulfillment. Prior editions on this Relationship Series include- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person & On Sexless Romantic Relationships. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

Against Toxic Femininity & Masculinity

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